Messy Bed

Monday was a bad day. I could barely move. Avoiding the mirror in the bathroom became a major objective on my part. I didn't even consider brushing my hair and I stayed in my pajamas all day. I was at the point of functioning at that super low level that those who have never actually had to fight depression (not the "blues") simply do not understand. Rightfully and thankfully so. There's no thinking straight... in fact, there's barely thinking. There's no reasoning and no fighting it, you just collapse. In almost every possible way. I couldn't even cry if I had wanted to because I just felt nothing at all.

It's been coming for quite some time. And while today was better, it still wasn't great. I have been pretty awful to be around for quite some time now. Maybe not at every passing moment but often enough that I have isolated myself in the office and a bit more than is good for me outside of the office.

Don't get me wrong... exercise is great and I have enjoyed it but I need to reach some balance with it. I need to reach some balance in almost every area of my life. My eating has been the only real balance I have managed to get right. And needless to say... that went out the window too... at least for the last two days.

Tomorrow I go to get bloodwork done. That will be the first step in finding out if it's something besides my medication and those parts of my life that I am not crazy about. I know that some of this is situational but much of it is chemical. When you know what you've got, you know when it's going wrong. Make no mistake... I had a great weekend. But - the rest of the time, there's been a whole bunch of ugly going on.

The fact is I have to accept the reality that my medication is simply no longer working. At least not completely. I can't think straight, I've had suicidal thoughts and I have just been a complete and total bitch to too many of the people around me.

It would be a lie to say I'm not scared. The truth is, I'm terrified. I have never switched medications since starting on the Seroquel. It's been a few years. And now it's time for me to try something new. I know that's where this is headed. I can look forward to getting back on track again but the time in between is just a frightening thought to me. What's withdraw going to be like? What side effects will I have with the new stuff? Is this going to improve my life or make it worse?

Still, something's gotta give. I've been in pretty shaky shape for several months. I need some changes to take place because I do not like who I have become. (And neither do most of those who are around me regularly.) Do I still think my semi-ruts (I am trying to actively change those parts of my life I do not like - though some of those efforts are currently stalled) are contributing? Absolutely. I know the outside changes that need to be made. But - I don't think I can realistically change them in a concrete way until the inside changes have been made.

One thing that keeps running through my head is "messy bed... messy head" (shout-out to Spice on that one). My bed hasn't been made since the first month of the summer. (Not that I have ever made my bed every day.) Still - it says something to me - something that is very loud and clear.