Back to the Drawing Board

"I've fallen down but I'll rise above this"
- Rise Above This, Seether

I decided to write it all down as a narrative.  Maybe not every little, last detail but the overall effect of it all on me and what the general circumstances were.  In the course of doing so, I recalled the first time I felt inferior to someone and how that feeling has persisted with me to this day.  Not only with her but with so many others too.  Strange part is how I keep going back - or sticking around - to feel it again.  Over and over.  It's right there on those pages.  How I keep myself in situations in which I do not rise above.  Strange how the subconscious works to keep you down, if that is what you have usually known.

This is not a pity party, just an acknowledgement.  And I will take each issue and beat it to death.  One at a time.  I mean, a merciless but complete death - if I can.  I've read that I need to acknowledge, mourn my losses and move on.  I just have to figure out exactly how this gets done without annoying the crap out of everyone around me or alienating myself in the process.  All of my major issues reside on those pages... there are things I do not recall but what I do recall, ain't so pretty. 

Maybe I can expel it through writing (no, not all here).  Maybe that's my natural defense.  God gave me the ability for a reason.  I hope it means I'll be selling my work eventually.  But, for now... I'm ok with this.  I'm ok with using it for my own personal means... until the losses are just mere memories... memories that no longer cloud my thinking or make me feel like there's something lurking, waiting... hunting. 

Last night I had a terrible nightmare that someone was in my apartment.  When I woke up, I was convinced of it for quite some time.  I just lay there eyes open, listening and waiting.  Frozen until I fell back asleep.  The truth is... there is something lurking outside my door, something in the dark.  Can I continue to let it get at me?  Well, that's totally up to me.  Will I?  I hope not. 

And what led me down this road?  Envy.  To be honest.  I see how others are out in the world.  Some of the people I love to spend time with.  I see and feel a difference between them and me.  It's not jealousy, mind you.  Just simply me noticing how at peace they appear to be with who they are... that they are who they are... that they are willing to present that person to the world.  Which is also not to say that I never do.  I have fun when I'm out with my girls (and the few guys I have remained close with).  And those who are close enough to me know the real me.  To make this clear... it's not that I hide myself exactly... I just would like to work through the stuff that causes me to be stuck sometimes (sometimes mid-sentence) and I would like to feel objective about the past.  It is what it is after all.

Guess what it all comes down to is simple... I've got more work to do.  I'm sending my ass back to therapy.  I may have to start all over with someone else but it'll be worth it.  I really hope it'll be worth it.  I had never felt so good as when I was going there regularly.  Now it's been months but things just aren't going the way they had been.  And I have simply uncovered a few things that run amok in my brain just a little (or way) too often.