SweeTart

I spend alot of time alone. For those who know me, it's mostly at work... which is fine with me. Even if, at times, I get jittery inside about what to do with myself for 16 hours. I'll walk a while away to get a cigarette in once in a while and I'll debate ordering food. I'll think about how I want to start working out again and how I'd like to start eating healthy. Or, rather, healthier. And maybe these things are on the way.

And maybe I do need to start placing more boundaries on myself so that I can keep the pace and stick to the me time as just that - me time. Because I do know that sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone else. I just want to be left alone for a while. But, then I love the people in my life so when I do answer that call, I'm happy to hear their voices.

Last night we celebrated my brother's birthday and I spent another chill Friday night with awesome folk. I guess one could say I'm tired of partying and I'm tired of drinking. Not that I never want to drink again - I wouldn't go that far. And not that I'm not ever going to have a night out again. But both my body and soul are ready for a real rest. I couldn't have been happier just having a chill night with family and friends.

I am starting to make my voice loud and clear. Very clear. I'm not going to be that girl who answers a 3 o'clock in the morning phone call. Even if I did actually happen to wake up... and I saw his beautiful name grace my screen. I want to be a grown-up and just go back to sleep. I'd love him if he'd let me. And I wish he would understand that I am in my last year of the grand twenties, which have been generally pretty awful despite a few good nights out and some great memories mingling in the crowded bit of my brain. I am not the girl he thinks I am - I think that he thinks I am. I've got a bunch to me that he's never seen. I prefer laughing really hard because I had to go to two grocery stores to find Farina for my beloved more than playing beer pong.

I have done my fair share of partying and I am no longer interested in vomiting when I should be getting it on. I'd like to remember every detail and be able to clearly read what's going on. I don't want to have to wonder if I did anything stupid or anything gross. I just want to be and be able to call 'em like I see 'em.

Manipulation ends when you start letting go of the results of your actions.

Plans To Fix It All Up

Well, I'm settling into my new schedule a bit. Took a few days for me to be ok with it, but I'll deal. I'm not going to go as far as to say I like it but I'll survive. I think once I see the money I'm saving by not going out as much and the little extra I'll be making, I'll be somewhat relieved.

And finally I figured out what to do with myself other than going out. I have an apartment to fix up, a self to fix up, and writing to be done. Here I was wondering what good could come of this... seems there's plenty to be paid attention to. I've been dressing a bit sloppy the last few days. Not so happy with myself about this but whatcha gonna do? Depression will do that.

Tomorrow's Thanksgiving. And I'll be spending half my day being thankful that I have a job. Get done mid-afternoon and then enjoy family time. Looking forward to it.

Sober

-Pink
(I know this song is about feeling good sober. While I'm not exactly feeling good these days, much of these lyrics suit me just fine.)

I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end
I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl who has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
When I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have hurt myself, cried,
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

Moving In

I can't really think of anything to write. Feeling pretty shitty at the moment. I know there are plenty of people who have it worse off than me but knowing that isn't helping.

Maybe one day things will get consistently better. Not just better for a couple weeks and then crappy again. I know everyone has problems and problems are a part of life. But, with the way things are looking for me at the moment, my problems look like they're moving in for quite a while.

Cheerleader

This world will never be
What I expected
And if I don't belong
Who would have guessed it - From Never Too Late by Three Days Grace

Several things occurred this past week that got under my skin and reminded me how so many people are only out for themselves. I should say, are out for protecting themselves. They want to make sure they don't get hurt, they're not vulnerable, they don't look bad, and they are safe from any negative consequence whatsoever.

Last night, the gas station was just the icing on the cake. The recovered drug addict looking gas attendant whom I've always been friendly with turned on me quick as could be when he made a mistake. After the ten dollars had passed that I asked for, I jumped out of my car. Even then trying to be polite. "Excuse me! Excuse me! I only asked for ten!". His response was sudden "I heard fill." I corrected him and told him I had no way to pay for the extra. Then his excuse became that because the gas station is near a highway I need to speak up. Which one was it? He either heard me or he didn't. And this is how I knew it was definitely his mistake. Long story short, the cops were called, my mom brought me some money, and we paid up. I was angry. Not so much because of the mistake but because of his lack of apology. The only jab I got in was when I called him a douchebag. Not my finest moment but still, I felt the need to say it.

Throughout the week, I'd been in a few situations... none of which resulted in an apology though I should have received one. And this is where my real problem lies.

I am tired. Really, really tired of the fact that people simply walk around mistreating people. It's a simple problem with very complex reasons behind the problem. Those complex problems are people and relationships. We all get hurt. We all don't want to get hurt. And most of us do try to protect ourselves at every possible turn from getting hurt. But, what if we stopped putting up our defenses immediately? "I heard fill... YOU have to speak up". How about we say "I must have misheard you... how can we work this out?". And, maybe, it wasn't that simple. Maybe dude was doing something wrong and I called him out on it. Still trying to believe better of people, I will not jump to that conclusion. Though I know people get scammed all the time. I've been scammed before, I'm sure. But I refuse to give up on these folks who are made of the same material I am.

Call me a cheerleader, if you want. Call me naive. Call me principled to a fault.

But, I am none of these things. I am the opposite. I'm just not scared of being myself. And as myself, it is very important to me that I live by two rules... Be the change you want to see in the world, as Ghandi put it and Do unto others as Christ put it. I am not always perfect here... but I do try pretty freaking hard to do the right thing, most of the time. And I will not be walked all over, I will make my voice heard... as I've been nearly consistent with lately (except that one person whom I keep giving a free pass to... hmm...).

These are the two most important values I have. And I will continue to live by them, even when it comes back to bite me. In this way, when people disappoint me, as they will on occasion, it only makes me stronger because it won't break me. I refuse to let it. And I will accept that it is only their own brokenness that makes them lash out in my direction.

The Goodbye Game

As I sit here exchanging pleasantries with my office's usual cleaner, I chuckle internally about how she'll never let anyone have the last word. Someone else pointed it out to me a while back... now I sometimes find myself playing a game. How many different ways can you say goodbye and give well wishes? There are plenty of ways... trust me... I've even played the game while walking into a bathroom stall and starting to take care of business.

"You have a good day."
"You too."
"Thank you."
"No, thank you."
"Bye-bye".
"Bye."
"Have a good one."
"Same to you."

And on it goes...

Last night was a piece of work. We get to the bowling alley to find out there are no open lanes because of it being one of four league nights a week. So, we made our way to the attached bar and ended up having a blast while not bowling. Throwing darts and having just a few beers and shooting some pool. It was a good time had by all. And for once, I'm really pretty sure al1 13 of us did actually have a good time. Lots of laughing.

Apparently, if you try to shoot darts while standing on one foot, the darts will no longer aim at the board, they'll find their way to the wall and then tumble down to the ground.

Last night was a very, very relaxed night. With nothing itching my brain for attention other than what was going on at the moment made me aware of one thing. One very important thing... how living in the moment is awesome. To stop trying to figure out the games we play or stop trying to figure out why so and so did this, or did that. I have gotten pretty decent at reading people at this point. Not perfect, but decent. Sometimes they're just trying too hard to be liked and they turn into douches. Simple as that. Sometimes it's way more complicated but everyone's vulnerable ultimately so the easiest road to take is just being open and honest with most people, most of the time. Kind of makes the stress of everything else melt into the background. And that, my friends, is when you can start really living in the moment more often than not.

Christening

Watched a guy get out of his car to flip out this morning at another driver. I couldn't believe it. I mean, dude, it's freaking cold out... why would you get out of your car when you could just yell in your own car? But, seriously, why start the morning this way? Get over whatever dude did. It's simply not worth the aggravation. Everyone makes mistakes on the road, it's just part of sharing it.

Now... let's talk about other stuff.

One of my closest friends came over on Monday night and in the process of hanging out she honored me by asking if I'd like to be her son's Godmother. I couldn't even tell you how choked up I got. Not really close enough to actually cry but damn knot in the throat! It kind of helped bring me completely out of the funk I was finally starting to shake.

To be asked by a friend is different than being asked by a family member. As my old supervisor commented, it's more an obligation when it's a family member, but with a friend it's an actual honor. I was very, very touched by the gesture. And I offered to buy the outfit but she asked me to simply get him a Bible. Said the buying the outfit thing was outdated. Either way, I'm still thrilled. Woo-hoo!

Can't wait to be there for the Christening day... just have to get my papers in order with the church first.

Waking Up To It

Feeling kind of haunted at the moment. Depression is pretty well set in. Gotta stop drinking, gotta get my money in order, gotta cut back on going out so much and I think I want to give up on dating for a while. Just take some time for myself, without worrying about anything else.

I can't drink much anymore. Which is fine, it'll save me money and save me from both the physical and emotional toll it's taking on me. I don't know how this happened but I've developed a problem. It's not as bad as it was before the ER visit but still... it's not good. Hopefully I'll lose the weight again too.

As for my money, it's not in absolutely horrible shape but it's not pretty either. I freak out every time I realize I'm not going to get OT over the course of some weekends when it wasn't voluntarily. Honestly, there are several things I need to pay for that I just don't know where the money is going to come from.

Going out so much... both of the above issues can be addressed more constructively when I address this one. The truth is, I'm tired and a bit worn down. I am very blessed to have the social life I do (very busy) but I could use a bit of a break. I think working second shift sometimes will help me all the way around.

As for dating... it's all just kind of getting to me. I was visited over the weekend by someone that everyone tells me I should stay away from. And they're right. But, it was awesome waking up next to him on Sunday morning. It felt really, really good. It was a vibe I haven't felt in years. And I hadn't realized how much I've missed that. Not that he and I hadn't woken up in the same bed before but now I don't have to slink back across the street to my parents house or lie about where I am.

Still doing speed dating later this week. I guess I just don't know anymore.

Damn depression, kind of makes everything feel icky even when it's not all so terribly bad.

A Second Bottle

Date last night went great. Looks like I have a new cutie on my hands. We'll see though, I'm not counting on anything after just one good night. Plus, two bottles of wine on a nearly empty stomach may have contributed to it being such a good time. However, I do believe it was the other way around... we were drinking because we were having a good time.

My Supervisor's Bowels

So... lately I've been wondering and struggling a bit.

Between watching those youtube videos which claim that psychiatry and particularly bipolar disorder aren't real... and hating going to my parents house due to a certain someone living across the street... and pondering my past trying to root out the reasons for my disconnected sense of self... and then last night getting disturbed for the first time by the movie Psycho... I just don't know anymore.

These problems are just normal day to day problems. Nothing that will cause tremendous amounts of trouble, just stuff I have to work through. And work through it I will.

When it comes to the videos I watched online, I don't rationally believe them. I'm not sure what the angle is that each of the different people who made them is coming from. I'm sure some of them believe it... and I'm sure some of them are just trying to understand their own experiences in life. And I'm sure some of them are just assholes. I know that I have it. Look at all the damage and I fit nearly predictable patterns and symptoms of the bipolar makeup. I also know that I love my medication and what it does for me. Basically, it keeps my mind quiet and clear. What I think bothered me about them is merely the fact that I don't trust my own judgement enough... something that comes with the disconnect between my rational side and my emotional side. "What if they are right?" is the kind of question that I need to ask myself honestly. And they're not. At least not for me... maybe for something they've been through but not for me.
Feels good to finally take my place in my own brain.

Struggling with the fact that I haven't heard from the neighbor... I do miss him though it's getting better each day. Problem there is that the overall experience with him left me convinced that men whom I am attracted to have no souls. Ok... maybe that's a bit extreme... but they do seem to have a lack of emotion... a lack of judgment between right and wrong. What's ok and what isn't in how you treat people. And it has made me question whether or not they actually have feelings or are they rocks inside? Just nothing going on in there. Trying to connect there too... it'll just take some time. And some serious innerwork.

As for Psycho... it was the first time I have felt disturbed by it. And it was the very, very end that got to me. The part where Norman's mother is speaking at the police station. The look in Norman's eyes is just awful... absolutely scary. I think all the psycho-babble stuff at the end is what got under my skin. Not very believable, I'm afraid but still... made me start thinking about myself again. And how maybe I'm just "not right". Maybe that's why I get used by the men in my life. Maybe it IS me. But, maybe it's not just me... maybe they could decide to stand up and be men... decide to face what's going on with a conscience. To act like I'm a person, just like them.

But... that's where my own fault comes in. I will admit where I'm in the wrong. It's called standing up for myself... still have to learn how to do and when to be able to decide that I'm truly not being treated right. And that will help me to build the confidence back that I need to be able to do the eye contact thing. It's all tied together.

One thing I can say for certain though... because just a few moments ago we got regailed with the tale of my supervisor's run in the NYC marathon... I do not need to know when my co-workers can feel their bowels moving. Particularly my male boss.

SF Jane Is A Liar, I Do Believe

I just don't have much to say today... my weekend was a bit on the slow side but I did get to see my niece and nephew so, it was still worth quite a bit of something.

Watched a couple youtube videos this weekend... on people who don't believe that bipolar disorder is real. One woman calls it bullshit then says she healed herself of it. How can you heal yourself of something that doesn't exist in the first place? Hmm... so I went to post a comment and all the comments have to filter through her... she only posts them if she likes them. When she wrote back to me she simply said my comment wasn't intelligent enough to be posted... but didn't answer my question. Guess I called her bluff.

Those videos did sort of screw me up a bit. They scared me. For multiple reasons but one of them being that the woman claimed that meditation was the answer. Ever try to meditate while having racing thoughts? I did. It didn't work, talk about impossible. You'd have more luck squeezing an elephant through a keyhole.

After getting past my own freak out I started to worry... what if the wrong person watches that video? And decides to go off their medication and then... well... a number of really bad consequences could come of it. Worst of all being, of course, suicide.

Irresponsibility in the form of pseudo-intelligence without being able to answer a simple question from a critic. That's all I got out of that video.

I Heart Donnie

I... love... them. As my voice eeks this sound out, I am thinking of the one, the only, the New Kids on the Block. Sigh... went to their concert on Wednesday night. And I was reminded of the kinds of crushes you have when you're 12 or 13. That you're going to somehow meet and marry that in particular famous person... hey... it came true for Katie Holmes. Nevermind that she's looking pretty unhappy and actually kind of frumpy these days. (I guess I just thought she looked better before cutting her hair and being married to Tom Cruise. A more mature look is good... as you get older... but hers just doesn't look right somehow...)

Honestly, the other night was one of the best nights out I have ever had. It was magical. And I got to share it with biff and a friend of hers. I really am still on cloud nine about it. I am completely surprised by my own feelings on this. I had pretty much forgotten all about NKOTB. They just rarely crossed my mind anymore. But now I've got a crush on Donnie again... though I don't imagine I'll be putting any posters up anytime soon.

When we first got there I wondered if they felt stupid. Singing all these songs from 15/20 years ago that reflected their own childishness. But - then - when they sang three songs up close and personal to us, I got to see their faces. They were having fun. Not taking themselves too seriously. And it was good because the women around me were also having a good time. Though I think they felt reaching out to them was an uncontrollable urge. That happened to me once with Scott Weiland. It's a weird, overwhelming feeling that goes through you when you do that.

So, why did this concert mean so much to me?

In the past week or so I have watched dream after dream come true. Between the ball players, the president-elect, and 5 boys from Boston... suddenly it dawns on me. You can reach a pinnacle and dreams are worth chasing. You may never reach them. Look at McCain... but you can still go for it. You can live your life for something larger, if that's your wish. It may bring some heartache but it will still be worth it to try because the ups and the downs of trying are what make you who you are as well as what you will become.

Changes

And although it seems heaven sent We ain't ready, to see a black President - Tupac Shakur

Ten years ago, this line was released in Tupac's song "Changes". Well, people, we've made it. Now, I'm not African-American but I'm still proud of this country's response. I'm proud of the fact that just one generation away from the civil rights movement, the changes necessary have come. Sure, there will always be stupid people out there but overall... it's all good.

Good job, America. I didn't vote for him and I didn't vote for McCain either. My conscience wouldn't let me vote for either. For various reasons but none of it had to do with race. I'm proud to be alive right now. I believe in equality of all people and that's one of the things the America I love stands for. It's the reason my favorite president remains Abraham Lincoln. While we still have a long way to go before equality is fully recognized and plenty more hurdles to overcome, this is one huge step.

And I respect who President elect Obama seems to be. I respect him for many reasons and DAMN! that was a good speech last night.

So Much For Ron Paul

Ugh... the election. I'm still not sure who I'm going to vote for and I only have two hours left to decide. It's not as though I haven't thought about it. I have. But, neither candidate actually represents my values. Sure, they both have some... but neither is strong enough for me to endorse.

I will say this one last time... I miss Ron Paul.

This War

I decided to take it slow with this one. And he seems to have decided the same thing. Not that he hasn't spent some time over my place but we've been keeping our distance... going out once in a while, getting to know each other little by little. I had decided he probably wouldn't be "the one" for me. That was mostly a defense mechanism so I didn't find myself getting attached. Then yesterday came the news. He definitely won't be the one for me. He's being shipped overseas in December. I did cry a little when I was asked how I felt about it. I'm upset. Not just because I like him but partially because I was doing this right. Handling myself right and now there's no shot of anything more developing. I'll enjoy our next month together. And I'll treat him as well as I can without going overboard. I did know there was a threat of this but I guess I didn't count on the threat being real. I'm confident he'll come back safe but - of course - I'm also scared he won't.

My dream last night showed my disappointment. First inside my parents house, having to face someone who wasn't her but represented her. Then I ran out the front door and there was the neighbor and his roommates sitting on the porch. So, I booked down the street (running, unfortunately, like Kevin Bacon's character in Murder in the First when he murders the other inmate). I went past my car... didn't even consider getting in. Around the corner... there was a group of kids across the street, once they went by... I stopped. Slid down to the ground, curling up and crying with my back to a fence. I waited for the dog behind the fence to sniff me. But, he never came. The weird part was the music... Sarah MacLachlan but it wasn't a song I recognized. Then I woke up. Within that dream were just about all my major disappointments in life, represented in one fashion or another. Strange how the mind works.

Shaping

Back - from a quickie two day work reprieve to celebrate the Phillies win! It was 28 years in the making and the after party was unbelievable. Still - I'm glad it's over in a way. Looking forward to getting back to my regular life. Getting back to taking care of myself.

My apartment is wonderful. I'm loving it. Still a bunch of work to do and some stuff to buy but I am starting to feel like home either way. After the parade last night and then Gram's birthday dinner, I went home and crawled into bed. My new bed... loving every second of it and falling asleep faster than I have in quite some time. For once I don't even think I would have needed my meds. Sleeping was bliss. Waking up this morning, not so much. But, there was no hangover... didn't actually drink all that much in the last couple days, celebration or not.

Tonight I'm stuck on the job. Don't really mind. It'll feel good to go home, watch a movie I rented, and then go to sleep. Went ahead and rented The Bucket List. (Is it one word or two?). I started my own, though it's still got some shaping to do.

Just like nearly everything in my life at this point.