My Supervisor's Bowels

So... lately I've been wondering and struggling a bit.

Between watching those youtube videos which claim that psychiatry and particularly bipolar disorder aren't real... and hating going to my parents house due to a certain someone living across the street... and pondering my past trying to root out the reasons for my disconnected sense of self... and then last night getting disturbed for the first time by the movie Psycho... I just don't know anymore.

These problems are just normal day to day problems. Nothing that will cause tremendous amounts of trouble, just stuff I have to work through. And work through it I will.

When it comes to the videos I watched online, I don't rationally believe them. I'm not sure what the angle is that each of the different people who made them is coming from. I'm sure some of them believe it... and I'm sure some of them are just trying to understand their own experiences in life. And I'm sure some of them are just assholes. I know that I have it. Look at all the damage and I fit nearly predictable patterns and symptoms of the bipolar makeup. I also know that I love my medication and what it does for me. Basically, it keeps my mind quiet and clear. What I think bothered me about them is merely the fact that I don't trust my own judgement enough... something that comes with the disconnect between my rational side and my emotional side. "What if they are right?" is the kind of question that I need to ask myself honestly. And they're not. At least not for me... maybe for something they've been through but not for me.
Feels good to finally take my place in my own brain.

Struggling with the fact that I haven't heard from the neighbor... I do miss him though it's getting better each day. Problem there is that the overall experience with him left me convinced that men whom I am attracted to have no souls. Ok... maybe that's a bit extreme... but they do seem to have a lack of emotion... a lack of judgment between right and wrong. What's ok and what isn't in how you treat people. And it has made me question whether or not they actually have feelings or are they rocks inside? Just nothing going on in there. Trying to connect there too... it'll just take some time. And some serious innerwork.

As for Psycho... it was the first time I have felt disturbed by it. And it was the very, very end that got to me. The part where Norman's mother is speaking at the police station. The look in Norman's eyes is just awful... absolutely scary. I think all the psycho-babble stuff at the end is what got under my skin. Not very believable, I'm afraid but still... made me start thinking about myself again. And how maybe I'm just "not right". Maybe that's why I get used by the men in my life. Maybe it IS me. But, maybe it's not just me... maybe they could decide to stand up and be men... decide to face what's going on with a conscience. To act like I'm a person, just like them.

But... that's where my own fault comes in. I will admit where I'm in the wrong. It's called standing up for myself... still have to learn how to do and when to be able to decide that I'm truly not being treated right. And that will help me to build the confidence back that I need to be able to do the eye contact thing. It's all tied together.

One thing I can say for certain though... because just a few moments ago we got regailed with the tale of my supervisor's run in the NYC marathon... I do not need to know when my co-workers can feel their bowels moving. Particularly my male boss.