This War

I decided to take it slow with this one. And he seems to have decided the same thing. Not that he hasn't spent some time over my place but we've been keeping our distance... going out once in a while, getting to know each other little by little. I had decided he probably wouldn't be "the one" for me. That was mostly a defense mechanism so I didn't find myself getting attached. Then yesterday came the news. He definitely won't be the one for me. He's being shipped overseas in December. I did cry a little when I was asked how I felt about it. I'm upset. Not just because I like him but partially because I was doing this right. Handling myself right and now there's no shot of anything more developing. I'll enjoy our next month together. And I'll treat him as well as I can without going overboard. I did know there was a threat of this but I guess I didn't count on the threat being real. I'm confident he'll come back safe but - of course - I'm also scared he won't.

My dream last night showed my disappointment. First inside my parents house, having to face someone who wasn't her but represented her. Then I ran out the front door and there was the neighbor and his roommates sitting on the porch. So, I booked down the street (running, unfortunately, like Kevin Bacon's character in Murder in the First when he murders the other inmate). I went past my car... didn't even consider getting in. Around the corner... there was a group of kids across the street, once they went by... I stopped. Slid down to the ground, curling up and crying with my back to a fence. I waited for the dog behind the fence to sniff me. But, he never came. The weird part was the music... Sarah MacLachlan but it wasn't a song I recognized. Then I woke up. Within that dream were just about all my major disappointments in life, represented in one fashion or another. Strange how the mind works.