Random Thoughts #22

"Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all Ihear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
- from a forward

Pain in the Trap

It is very rare anymore that I get this sore. We're talking unable to flex my back sore. The kind of sore that only comes around once in a while. And you know what it's from? That catch with my dad yesterday. Amazing.

My body hasn't moved in those exact ways in so long... we're talking years. The hopping, the bouncing, the stretching out into mid-air a couple of times. I was a softball player. I have no clue what my batting average was. But - it would have been good. I rarely struck out - I almost always got on base though I never did hit the ever elusive homerun. I was a second or third base girl. That's where I usually ended up.

Yesterday I suddenly started to remember what I loved about playing the game. And why I hope I can actually go back in the spring. I hope my life is prepared and ready for it. I plan to give myself off on as many Sundays as possible so I should be able to join a league. And by then - hopefully - my body will have gotten used to it so that when I wake up on Monday morning, moving will not be an issue as it is today.

Getting Underneath the Ball

Went out with my dad for a catch today. We spent an hour tossing around the softball while some sort of league practiced or played nearby. Was hard to tell what they were playing exactly but they yelled out here and there... probably having a fantastic time all the while. Either way - dad and I were having a good time too. Haven't had that feeling in years and years - the slap of the ball against the glove - the occasional sting - the feeling of making that relatively difficult catch almost as instinct rather than any kind of skill.

I jumped, I bounced and I reminded myself that I needed to stay with the ball - not try to avoid it while catching it. I had to remind myself not only to keep my eye on it but to get underneath it when it came my way. The first few throws I did the opposite. I tried to get out of the way while simultaneously making contact. This DOES NOT work. It is amazing how quickly and easily the fight or flight response jumps in there. Softballs are hard - totally unlike what the name implies.

Meanwhile - I keep thinking about the changes that are coming up around the bend. I am thinking about the future. A little worried, a little scared - yet very excited. I currently work a job that provides the kind of stablilty that those who have families depending on them hope and pray about. Only problem is... all I have is Fred the cat relying on me this way... now is the exact time to go after what I'm thinking about. It's nearly time for me to get under the ball - to follow it, not only with my eyes but to be an active participant in relationship with it.

I am not sure how I am going to do it in the beginning. I am thinking that I'll work most Saturdays of the month with friends and family first - at least until I am able to figure out the step that should naturally come after that one. I have some ideas but nothing concrete. I'm a bit on the nervous side because the fall could be hard - I could end up with a very fat lip in the process - if I don't catch the ball and it smacks me in the face instead. I just have to get underneath it - stick with it anyway and try to trust that my hands are perfectly capable of keeping it close.

Chocolate Milk

Normally, I have no problem finding stuff to talk about on here. However - when your nights are taken up with lots of working out and little else - there's not much to say. My life (Monday through Thursday, at least) has turned into a scheduled, structured bit of existence. I literally wrote my schedule down and I am going to do my best to stick to it. Otherwise, there's just a whole bunch of movie watching and eating going on.

One trick that I've started new this past week (or it may have been last week, actually) is the milk drinking after my weight training. I read up on it. Seems that it is the best possible restorative drink after a weight training exercise. Not to mention the studies that seem to show that milk drinkers seem to lose more weight than non-milk drinkers. I make mine chocolate milk using lite chocolate syrup - and I enjoy all 16 ounces of it once a day, right after I get done with my sculpting. The body could use more than that but that's all my calorie intake will allow for at the moment.

Really, I know that my life is not terribly exciting at the moment (at least not Monday through Thursday) but I am looking forward to having it be - eventually. And I can't help but think that being in better shape will help that. I love the active lifestyle. Absolutely love it!

Apple Almond English Muffin

Here's an easy breakfast idea. Healthy, healhty, healthy but good, good, good. I believe this was printed up originally in Fitness magazine.

Whole wheat muffin - toasted
Almond butter
Sprinkle of cinnamon
Thinly sliced apples

Spread the almond butter on the toasted muffin, sprinkle with the cinnamon and cover with the apple slices.

Fertilizing My Land

Appreciation is fertilizer for the soul.
- Valynnda Slack

The other evening, on Sunday, I had a good sized group of friends come out with me to celebrate my birthday. There were cards and presents, a free meal, drink and dessert. I invited them out but that's all I was asking for. Their company. The extra everything else was just a double blessing on top of just having them hang out. I tried to express my thanks... though I do not know how well I actually communicated it.

We had a good time. There was alot of laughing, some getting to know one another better and porn names decided for the whole crew. Fluffy Merrimac was my personal favorite. A new boyfriend joined the group so that's always fun... when someone new comes around... someone who might or might not be in it for the long haul.

When I got home and settled in... ready to pass out because it had been a good but long day, I got to thinking about how loved I felt and how much I felt myself loving each of them. Each for different reasons, each in different ways. Pure gratitude is what I felt as I went to sleep on Sunday night and for that also, I felt gratitude. It's amazing to me how quickly appreciation multiplies once it starts. Does it mean I will always see everything as perfect? No. There will be plenty that I won't. But - there will be plenty that I do. When I don't feel gratitude, when I feel something is wrong... it's just a signal that something needs to either be changed or possibly just ignored. Kind of the difference between a bug inside or outside of your house. One you ignore, the other you kill.

Either way... the warm, fuzzy feeling that is gratitude woke me up from a spiritual slumber the other night. It was the first time in a while that I had felt it. My soul really was needing it. Sometimes in life we have a constant or two that is causing us to feel some distress - when that feeling can be overridden by something beautiful - well, it really doesn't get much better than that.

Choosing Not to Hide

Intimidator. That's me. Or so I was told last night. Or, rather, I intimidated him when he first met me. Now we chit chat; we're buddies. He's Trini's boyfriend and I like him. They're good together and they're happy. He's taking her home for the first time this weekend. I think that rocks.

But - I am back to the same old beat. Still discovering more and more often that I intimidate, appear standoffish or come across as a bitch regularly. I know I'm a bitch at work. I don't know that there's much I can do about this... the people are not really the problem... the need for a paycheck keeping me there is. I can smile, though, knowing that I'm working on my new career now - more than ever. I'm not really sure I care about any of these perceptions at this point. I'm feeling good these days, getting myself back in shape, feeling good again about the way I look - even if it's not perfect, it's not so bad because it's in the process of being fixed. That's all I need... just need to know I'm working on it and I'm good to go.

Tomorrow I'll be turning 31. This age has simply not got me thinking about age at all. I don't see it as anything, really. I probably would if I was stuck in a rut of some sort but at the moment - that's far from the way it is. Last weekend and the days that followed bugged me. In many ways, though, they bugged me exactly as they needed to. Pleasant, no. Yet - the bugs lit a long smoldering fire under my ass. I'm back and I'm better than ever!

I would like to take a minute to explain the problem I have with my weight. While I do not enjoy knowing that when other people look at me, they see weight I have to lose... this is not the issue. The issue for me is the pride I had once taken in my body, the work I put into it and the results that I had seen and loved had somewhere along the way disappeared. Sad part is I lost that part of myself and now I have work to do to fix it. It's doable work and I will keep plugging away. This time, in the healthiest possible manner.

It's not some random person's opinion but my own, in this circumstance, that matters to me. I see myself... in my mind's eye... as the young woman I used to be. At least in this regard. Yet, somehow, in all the years of change that have taken place in the last several years, the one truly healthy place I had lived within has turned into a place of disarray. Mentally and emotionally, I have grown by leaps and bounds. Do I still have my bad days? Of course... who doesn't? Are mine possibly a little different than most other people's? Maybe. Truthfully, I wouldn't know... I have never lived with someone else's mind. There's a good chance because of that pesky disorder thing I deal with but I am not going to worry about it. I like where I am... most of the time. Do bad memories occasionally haunt me? Yup. Some days they are way more intense than others. Some days, most days, they do not make much noise when they come around anymore. Unfortunately, they do try to pop in every day. Some days I'm simply not home when they do. They sometimes leave a note... that's the only way I know they have been by.

However - returning to my weight gain. There is a whole bunch of bad connected to it - in that subconcious kind of way . For reasons I will (much to your delight) not go into right here and now. (Some of them have previously been mentioned on this blog - some have not and will never be.) But - just as I'm **finally** ready to shed the extra pounds - so am I really, truly, completely ready to shed those memories. They will never go away completely but there's no reason they need to live with me... they'll always come visit probably every day even in the most vague sense. Still - I refuse to allow smoking, drinking, eating or crazy shopping rule my life. (Ha! I don't think I've ever mentioned my shopping issue that rears it's head from time to time... my wardrobe used to kick ass and was regularly updated... but that fell by the wayside with depression first... then with the weight gain second. I will say that I used to hide my new clothes, by the cart load in my trunk... my skydiving partner can attest to that one.)

So... here's me... choosing not to hide. Trying to remember. Yes... beauty comes from within but for some of us... that beauty within does partially rely on the tone and shape of our bodies. There is nothing wrong with this. Just as there is nothing wrong with this if it is not part of who you are. If this is who I am, I will not hide it. Is this all I am? Absolutely not. But - the one thing I was always proud of and always will be - one of my few concrete accomplishments in life (even if it's in hiding right now) - is a toned, thin and cutely dressed derriere. Is it the most important thing in life? Nope... that would be love. The love of God, family, friends, our passions and ourselves. For all of us, all of these are slightly different from one another... all of our viewpoints are different but in the end - love is the same. It is pleasing. And, for me, love of my passions and love of myself comes in the form of much cardio and much toning. It's not for everybody, in the same way that computer work is not for me but makes other people very, very happy.

Dr. Phil's 10 Life Laws

Life Law #1: You either get it, or you don't.
Strategy: Become one of those who gets it.

Life Law #2: You create your own experience.
Strategy: Ackowledge and accept accountability for your life.

Life Law #3: People do what works.
Strategy: Identify the payoffs that drive your behavior and that of others.

Life Law #4: You cannot change what you do not acknowledge.
Strategy: Get real with yourself about life and everybody in it.

Life Law #5: Life rewards Action.
Strategy: Make careful decisions and then pull the trigger.

Life Law #6: There is no reality; only perception.
Strategy: Identify the filters through which you view the world.

Life Law #7: Life is managed; it is not cured.
Strategy: Learn to take charge of your life.

Life Law #8: We teach people how to treat us.
Strategy: Own, rather than compain about, how people treat you.

Life Law #9: There is power in forgiveness.
Strategy: Open your eyes to what anger and resentment are doing to you.

Life Law #10: You have to name it before you can claim it.
Strategy: Get clear about what you want and take your turn.

You Got This

My knees are pretty sore. (Get your mind out of the gutter!) And my arms kind of hurt to lift. (OK, more than kind of... they flat out hurt.)

I'm working my new routine and I'm working it well. I have started to design these new workout routines - and they very well may be the ones I use when I start training others. You want to feel it? I'll make you feel it. The weight routines alone take 45 minutes to an hour. They are comprised of 6 exercises, rotating through them 3 times in specific order. None of them require any more than weights - no machines necessary. Then a quick full body stretch. As for cardio - take a walk, get on an elliptical, ride a bike, go for a jog - take a hike. There are plenty of options, depending on what is near you and how you live. Either way - let's get it moving. I'm excited about this.

I knew how to lose weight back in the day. I have to admit, as much as I've been putting effort in - I haven't been giving it my all. I remember the last time I had to lose a significant amount. It wasn't nearly as much as this time around but for me - at that time - it was significant. I went all out and it practically fell off. Looks like that's what's here today for me. Back in those days I went dancing most nights of the week so that was my extra workout time on top of my cardio time on the machines. These days... it's not so much dancing as it is walking. Taking a nice long walk after work, getting some errands done this way. Then we're talking a weight and toning routine... then comes some time on the mini-elliptical in my livingroom. This is my Monday through Thursday workout schedule. Friday,Saturday and Sunday... depends on what I've got going on. For instance, Friday I am going out for a friend's birthday so it'll most likely just be a quick walk and some ab work and kettle bell work. Saturday I am working a double but I'll be bringing my weights into the building and I'll do a whole lotta walking in place. Sunday - I'm going skydiving - that'll be enough heart pumping for my day off.

I'm getting all this down and I'll be sticking to it until the weight is off. My eating is back to the way I'm supposed to eat all the time. I don't diet... I just go with the lifestyle change that my body's been craving. Seriously, if I want to feel good about me... this is all I have to do. Even with the weight on me, I feel all better knowing that I'm doing everything that I can. And you know what else is exciting? That one day I'll be doing these right alongside someone who's looking to me for help. Believe me, I'll do my best to motivate you. I already have to talk to myself like I'm someone separate from myself.

Clap, clap, come on, babe... you got this.

Paperwork and the DMV

A sliver of emotion sometimes has a way of working itself into your consciousness. It is so small that it should just pass with nothing more than a quick glance; no real acknowledgement. In this case, it rode in on the same wave as the feelings expressed yesterday. And, for some reason, it's rounding out the edges nicely. (Or not so nicely.)

The first question is simple... why don't I deserve it? Why don't I deserve to live a life I love? People get to do it all the time. Not everyone, mind you but people do get the pleasure of enjoying what they do with the hours allotted to them. Maybe not every last second (barely anyone likes paperwork or the DMV) but some people do actually enjoy their jobs, their home life and their extra-curricular activities.

I'm working on it but what does that sliver of emotion say? The same thing Miley Cyrus did in "The Climb".

"I can almost see it. That dream I am dreaming. But there's a voice inside my head saying You'll never reach it."

That same sliver of emotion also gives way to a follow-up feeling. That I am too old to be worrying about any of this. That realistically, I should just settle in. Settle into what I don't want and get used to it... this is as good as it gets.

**Shrug** I'm going to choose to keep going... to keep moving anyway, pesky feelings or not. Just wish they would go away though. Wish I could see the future so that I could tell them to just shut the eff up. But - I can't so I'll just have to keep imagining it and working toward it.

Standoffishness

I have to admit that I did not see it coming. I agree, completely, that I tend to look standoffish. And that was the question. Do I look standoffish? Am I standoffish? No, not most of the time. I also don't mean to have the "look" of standoffishness on my face. All I can say is... that's just the way I look and I have, as of late, been trying a little harder to keep my face light and smiley. I recognize this as a problem.

So how my weight became an object of the conversation I do not know. How the fact that I need to lose a few (or a bunch) of pounds has anything to do with looking standoffish, I do not know. Either way, I was told that dude thought one of us was hot and two of us needed to lose weight. Awesome.

It's not as though I don't know this... I've been trying pretty hard for quite some time. Guess I'm going to have to try just a little harder. Or alot harder. Either way, I'm just praying it is not my medication causing the problem.

Once I heard that, I faked it at first... I'm ok. Not like I am unaware. I'm working on it so it's no big deal. A little while later, I found myself running back to my cabin so I could cry. I cried for an hour or so. I called my mom, we came up with some possible solutions. I've got to give it my all... if it doesn't fix itself, it'll be time to take more drastic measures. I am a naturally petite girl. Ever since I started rotating shifts, I'd begun gaining weight. There were other factors but not living with a constant schedule has been a big part of the problem. This leads me to more mood swings, less good sleep, more eating and drinking and it's very hard to get into an exercise routine when your schedule changes up too often.

For now, I'm going to keep up with my walking and my weight training. I also ordered an elliptical trainer for my apartment - I pick it up today. I'm going back to eating several smaller meals a day. Cutting out nearly all white flour and high fructose corn syrup. I ordered the starter pack of Alli. Hoping that'll give me the push my body needs. If these things don't work... if somehow my body continues to keep going up on the scale... I'm not sure what else I can do. But, right now, I feel like the most hideous girl who's ever walked this Earth. Is this extreme? Probably. Is it true? Yes. I didn't need the confirmation on Saturday but I got it anyway.

Men don't approach me. It's not because of the standoffish face... it's because of me... all of me. The face being just one aspect. It just really sucks when you are trying... trying to make yourself over and someone just cuts you down. He didn't say it to me - he said it to one of my friends and she told me. She was the other one who needed to lose weight. She regretted telling me after the fact, of course. As I said, it's not that I don't already know it.

One day I'd like to feel attractive again. But at this point, when I look in the mirror, it's hard to look at myself dead-on without a big sigh of disgust. Everyone is different... some people look good with extra weight on them... some people are meant to be a little bigger. I am not one of those people folks but lots of people think this is just who I am. I used to be cute... these days I'm feeling like a whole lot of anything but.

Not a Nerd

It's kind of funny to me. I was officially declared "not a nerd" this week. I guess I should be grateful... and maybe a little relieved though I had kind of stopped questioning that seriously quite some time ago. I've kind of known for quite some time that I am not and really never have been a nerd. Or a geek. Not that I've never liked a geeky or nerdy thing. I have actually, more often than not, enjoyed mostly not so nerdy things, people and experiences.

Either way... I am going to be 31 shortly and I really wouldn't be dwelling on this topic for too long had a longtime nerd (self proclaimed) not told me that nerds don't study to become personal trainers. They just wouldn't even bother learning the muscles of the body. I have to admit that, yes, the guy who pointed this out to me is a bit on the nerdy side. I don't mind saying that because he's the one who said it. "I'm a nerd and nerds don't study that... there would be no way." He really did seem pretty flustered by even the idea of it. Probably flustered in the same way that I get when we start talking technical around my office. My lack of interest is unbelievably huge. It actually makes me physically uncomfortable to talk about. Not because I don't completely understand it but, rather, because it is a reminder that I am not currently in the right line of work for who I am as a whole. It's a reminder that I need to bounce relatively soon.

However - one thing that I'll always have from this place is the comfort in knowing that I am not a nerd. At least I can walk away with something. Grateful as I am at times to simply be employed and to have a job I am good at (regardless of the twist in my stomach whenever someone wants to actually have a detailed discussion about the work we do)... there is and always will be a very big part of me that knows I'm not in my element here and neither are many of those who surround me almost daily in my element either. Nor will either of us ever be. We can get along and even smile at one another, chat it up just a little bit and have no ill feelings (high school has long been over for most of us, after all) but connecting on a deeper level... for many of us, it just may not be possible. And that is ok... it's just part of the way things work.

Through Our Hands

"And that's why God needs us. Because God loves to feel things through our hands."
- Elizabeth Gilbert

I was in bed last night waiting to grow sleepy enough to turn off my light when I read this sentence. Something inside of reacted to it and I had to put the book down, just for a moment. Then I picked the book back up and read it again. And again. And again.

What a beautiful thought. What an amazing thing to notice. Is this what meditation can bring to you? For me - well - no. But - reading can. People each have their own ways of eating, praying and loving so I can't say that you'll see me sitting cross legged with the "om" going on. I am not saying "never", I am just saying "not this week" - for now.

Still - I can fall back on this statement and sigh. A good, calm, peaceful, "yeah, that's it" kind of sigh. Finally, someone described it in terms that I totally get. Reading this, ingesting it and enjoying it - I find myself wanting to strive for even more good in my life. For really enjoying the moment and enjoying what I do in the moment. I have, as of late, already been on a road of self healing, repairing and remembering. Somehow reading this - thinking on this (some may call it meditating) - and living this seems only right. Seems to match what I already knew but somehow had forgotten.

Random Thought #21

"My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us. Classy, bro."
- from a forward

The Hug

The little one ran toward me with curls in her hair, they bounced as she did. Her mother and I had seen one another in the grocery store and discussed the idea of my visit. We followed through. Mom looked great, tall and lean. Happy. She wore a lime green shirt that complimented her. I made sure to let her know that.

As I walked up to the house, up to the side door - she bounced out and ran toward me. Her curls bounced too and I was blown away by her age. She had grown. And she was beautiful - as I always suspected she would be. I knelt down on onto the ground so I would be closer to her level. Eye to eye. Though she stood slightly taller than I do on my knees.

I could feel the lump in my throat growing large.

"Aunt Gem, where have you been?," she asked.

I had no good answer. Still don't. She held me tight and I was grateful for the moment. I was grateful to pull her back and look right into her face. She beamed a smile that I will never forget.

It was only a dream - but it felt so incredibly real. I miss them. I miss those members of my heart's family so much at times that I feel too overwhelmed to continue thinking about it. They were mine but life decided they had to become someone else's. Life decided mine was to be different. I still love them all. I do not know if that matters for something or for nothing but that does not change a thing. They will always have a special place in my life - even if my life has to move on without them. This is just the way of loss, I suppose. Glad that life did make the decision, sad that the decision emcompasses all it does.

Turkey Bacon BLT Wrap

Whole wheat tortillas
Turkey bacon, cooked
Diced tomato
Iceberg lettuce
Shredded cheddar cheese
Bell pepper, diced - any color
Light mayonnaise

Spread the inside of the tortillas with a light coating of the mayo. Layer other ingredients in the middle of the tortilla. Roll and enjoy!

A Cluster of Gray

Changes. Changes. Changes.

You know, I'm not sure what exactly kick started this whole new idea of me... but it's taken hold. I'm past the three day tough time that comes with quitting cold turkey. Meanwhile, I have started investing in myself in other ways. Hair, makeup, clothing. Got my hair done yesterday and this weekend I'll have to start with color. Turns out I have a few more grays growing in than I am comfortable with. I can't keep plucking. And I can't stand how upset a small cluster of grays made me yesterday. Time to take care of this. What shocks me is how I didn't start noticing them until recently. Some of these fuckers are LONG.

I've laid down a new rule about not drinking during the week - Monday through Thursday. Unless, of course, I have the following day off from work. As for Friday, Saturday and Sunday... that will be a take it as it comes kind of thing. It will all depend on if I have to work the next day and what time. If it's in the morning, we can just say forget it. I simply do better this way. No way around it.

Also paying a bit more attention to my money. If I don't have it (for the most part) then I will not push it. If I need to cancel plans or back out then I will. Most of my plans are going to be reserved for the weekend too.

I have alot of other changes coming down the road as well. Work, traveling, etc. I need to keep on top of things now so that I can successfully take care of those things when their time comes.

Ability of Others

You can only do to the best of YOUR ability, NOT the ability of others.

Let that sink in.

Only to the best of YOUR ability, NOT the ability of others.

You can't compare yourself to others in that respect because there's no baseline to compare with.

You can only compare to yourself by looking to see if you really did your best at the end of each day.

- Brian Kim

Orange Bug

So I heard the noise creeping in my ear. It sounded like a miniature version of the Predator. Not quite a cricket, that would have been too pleasant.

I was surprised when I found it, that it was orange and that it was long. I ran to my parents room to get my Dad. Poor guy had just gotten to shower and relax and really did not feel like killing my new enemy. Still - he wasn't about to let his little girl face this alone. He took it down with a shoe. Right next to the window. It was big enough that it's hindparts stuck out from underneath the shoe and they needed to be tucked in so that there was nothing left of it. I was simply relieved that I couldn't hear that awful noise anymore.

Thanks, Dad.

Needless to say, (I think)... is the fact that this was a dream. A dream that caused me to struggle to wake up on time this morning. I began wondering what that bug represented and what my Pop represented. I would say smoking but I think that's too easy. Looking up "orange", "bug" and "father" in an online dream dictionary...

Orange... "Orange denotes hope, friendliness, courtesy, generosity, liveliness, sociability, and an out-going nature. It also represents a stimulation of the senses. You feel alive! You may want to expand your horizons and look into new interests"

Bug... "To see a bug in your dream, suggests that you are worried about something. It is symbolic of your anxieties and/or fears. What is literally bugging you? Consider also the popular phrase "bitten by the bug" to imply your strong emotional ties or involvement to some activity/interest/hobby. Alternatively, the bug may be representative of your sexual thoughts." (I'm only keeping that last line in there for fun... Freud might have had a field day.)

Father... "To see your father in your dream, symbolizes authority and protection. It suggests that you need to be more self-reliant. Consider also your waking relationship with your father and how aspects of his character may be incorporated within yourself."

While I do not tend to rely very heavily on dream dictionaries... I usually make my own guesses what these things mean... today, I have to say... I think this one is pretty self explanatory.

My father and I have often talked over a little bit of wine (or a lot a bit of wine) about my future. And while I feel that this is not all about smoking, there is certainly a large amount of that involved. Let me explain briefly... when I am smoking, I am less than who I want to be. Literally, within 24 to 36 hours of stopping, I am more active, more alive, happier, more comfortable and way more productive than I am when I am smoking. Why? I am not sure. It could be the poison coarsing through my veins, it could be the affect of the nicotine and hundreds of other substances in each cigarette on my brain, it could just be because of the "why try" mentality that comes with regular, daily smoking. As with most things in life, it's probably some of each. Smoking is an odd duck in the grand scheme of things. While there are plenty of other addictions, there is none other that is quite like the smoking of a cancer stick. Anyway - my father and I have spoken about my dreams of traveling, writing, living the life I want to live. He is an encourager. When he and I talk, I begin to feel it is all possible. Still, there's something bugging me. Something that makes me less than what I should be - have to be - would like to be and need to be to make my dreams come true.

That fact - the all encompassing fact of being a smoker - is the bug on my wall. And I do not think my father can fix it for me. Though he can encourage me to quit. He smoked for many years himself. In my dream, the bug is orange - which according to this dream dictionary means "hope, feeling alive"... this comes from quitting smoking. I do feel hope, I do feel good, I do feel alive. I feel like I could be headed where I want to be. But - first - this thing that's killing me slowly needs to be squished. In other ways, too... how I have been living has to change along with the smoking... it's time to withdraw into myself just a bit. Get clean... clean living... not as much going out for a while. This part is absolutely necessary. Completely necessary. I literally have cleaning to do - inside my home, inside my body and outside of my body. Life makeover time!!!

Orange will always exist. Whether the bug does or not.

If At First...

"And if at first you don't succeed
Then dust yourself off and try again
You can dust it off and try again, try again"
-Aaliyah

Fell apart today. Trying again tomorrow. I feel the need right now to shake it all off. And start again, in a new way. New day, new way. Do I feel weak about it? Yes. Will I continue to? No. I feel a sense of resolve and I feel a sense of what I need to do. Drinking has to go out the window for a while. Simple as that. A wine tasting on your second day after quitting is not the best idea in the world. May I have to change plans for a bit? Probably. I love my friends and I know they love me... there shouldn't be too many issues with this. I need to take some time for me. For my life. If it's ever going to be the way I want it to be, I need a clean slate to start from. I don't mean wiping everything out but what I do mean is doing things a little different.

I mean treating myself like a woman. I need time to get myself ready. I need time to look good and to feel good. Why has this been so difficult for me? I'm not 100% sure but it has got to stop NOW. Right this minute, tonight.

Day Two

Day two and I feel fine. It is not the end of the world and it is certainly not the challenge that I have always heard about. It is less of a withdrawal situation than I experienced last time.

There is something about the quit now that feels more natural than it has in the past. I simply no longer associate myself or my life with smoking. It just does not fit. I feel silly lighting up and I really feel silly spending my money on it. Money that I could be using to take an amazing trip somewhere... anywhere.

There are a million reasons why I want to quit. Every reason in the book... mostly. Now, if I could just get back to my regularly scheduled eating plan... that would kick ass. I'm giving myself the first three days to eat whatever I want. I dread knowing how much damage I'm already doing to my waistline.

Life is too short to keep smoking. There's too much that I want to do. And smoking works against all of it - without a doubt.