Standoffishness

I have to admit that I did not see it coming. I agree, completely, that I tend to look standoffish. And that was the question. Do I look standoffish? Am I standoffish? No, not most of the time. I also don't mean to have the "look" of standoffishness on my face. All I can say is... that's just the way I look and I have, as of late, been trying a little harder to keep my face light and smiley. I recognize this as a problem.

So how my weight became an object of the conversation I do not know. How the fact that I need to lose a few (or a bunch) of pounds has anything to do with looking standoffish, I do not know. Either way, I was told that dude thought one of us was hot and two of us needed to lose weight. Awesome.

It's not as though I don't know this... I've been trying pretty hard for quite some time. Guess I'm going to have to try just a little harder. Or alot harder. Either way, I'm just praying it is not my medication causing the problem.

Once I heard that, I faked it at first... I'm ok. Not like I am unaware. I'm working on it so it's no big deal. A little while later, I found myself running back to my cabin so I could cry. I cried for an hour or so. I called my mom, we came up with some possible solutions. I've got to give it my all... if it doesn't fix itself, it'll be time to take more drastic measures. I am a naturally petite girl. Ever since I started rotating shifts, I'd begun gaining weight. There were other factors but not living with a constant schedule has been a big part of the problem. This leads me to more mood swings, less good sleep, more eating and drinking and it's very hard to get into an exercise routine when your schedule changes up too often.

For now, I'm going to keep up with my walking and my weight training. I also ordered an elliptical trainer for my apartment - I pick it up today. I'm going back to eating several smaller meals a day. Cutting out nearly all white flour and high fructose corn syrup. I ordered the starter pack of Alli. Hoping that'll give me the push my body needs. If these things don't work... if somehow my body continues to keep going up on the scale... I'm not sure what else I can do. But, right now, I feel like the most hideous girl who's ever walked this Earth. Is this extreme? Probably. Is it true? Yes. I didn't need the confirmation on Saturday but I got it anyway.

Men don't approach me. It's not because of the standoffish face... it's because of me... all of me. The face being just one aspect. It just really sucks when you are trying... trying to make yourself over and someone just cuts you down. He didn't say it to me - he said it to one of my friends and she told me. She was the other one who needed to lose weight. She regretted telling me after the fact, of course. As I said, it's not that I don't already know it.

One day I'd like to feel attractive again. But at this point, when I look in the mirror, it's hard to look at myself dead-on without a big sigh of disgust. Everyone is different... some people look good with extra weight on them... some people are meant to be a little bigger. I am not one of those people folks but lots of people think this is just who I am. I used to be cute... these days I'm feeling like a whole lot of anything but.