Choosing Not to Hide

Intimidator. That's me. Or so I was told last night. Or, rather, I intimidated him when he first met me. Now we chit chat; we're buddies. He's Trini's boyfriend and I like him. They're good together and they're happy. He's taking her home for the first time this weekend. I think that rocks.

But - I am back to the same old beat. Still discovering more and more often that I intimidate, appear standoffish or come across as a bitch regularly. I know I'm a bitch at work. I don't know that there's much I can do about this... the people are not really the problem... the need for a paycheck keeping me there is. I can smile, though, knowing that I'm working on my new career now - more than ever. I'm not really sure I care about any of these perceptions at this point. I'm feeling good these days, getting myself back in shape, feeling good again about the way I look - even if it's not perfect, it's not so bad because it's in the process of being fixed. That's all I need... just need to know I'm working on it and I'm good to go.

Tomorrow I'll be turning 31. This age has simply not got me thinking about age at all. I don't see it as anything, really. I probably would if I was stuck in a rut of some sort but at the moment - that's far from the way it is. Last weekend and the days that followed bugged me. In many ways, though, they bugged me exactly as they needed to. Pleasant, no. Yet - the bugs lit a long smoldering fire under my ass. I'm back and I'm better than ever!

I would like to take a minute to explain the problem I have with my weight. While I do not enjoy knowing that when other people look at me, they see weight I have to lose... this is not the issue. The issue for me is the pride I had once taken in my body, the work I put into it and the results that I had seen and loved had somewhere along the way disappeared. Sad part is I lost that part of myself and now I have work to do to fix it. It's doable work and I will keep plugging away. This time, in the healthiest possible manner.

It's not some random person's opinion but my own, in this circumstance, that matters to me. I see myself... in my mind's eye... as the young woman I used to be. At least in this regard. Yet, somehow, in all the years of change that have taken place in the last several years, the one truly healthy place I had lived within has turned into a place of disarray. Mentally and emotionally, I have grown by leaps and bounds. Do I still have my bad days? Of course... who doesn't? Are mine possibly a little different than most other people's? Maybe. Truthfully, I wouldn't know... I have never lived with someone else's mind. There's a good chance because of that pesky disorder thing I deal with but I am not going to worry about it. I like where I am... most of the time. Do bad memories occasionally haunt me? Yup. Some days they are way more intense than others. Some days, most days, they do not make much noise when they come around anymore. Unfortunately, they do try to pop in every day. Some days I'm simply not home when they do. They sometimes leave a note... that's the only way I know they have been by.

However - returning to my weight gain. There is a whole bunch of bad connected to it - in that subconcious kind of way . For reasons I will (much to your delight) not go into right here and now. (Some of them have previously been mentioned on this blog - some have not and will never be.) But - just as I'm **finally** ready to shed the extra pounds - so am I really, truly, completely ready to shed those memories. They will never go away completely but there's no reason they need to live with me... they'll always come visit probably every day even in the most vague sense. Still - I refuse to allow smoking, drinking, eating or crazy shopping rule my life. (Ha! I don't think I've ever mentioned my shopping issue that rears it's head from time to time... my wardrobe used to kick ass and was regularly updated... but that fell by the wayside with depression first... then with the weight gain second. I will say that I used to hide my new clothes, by the cart load in my trunk... my skydiving partner can attest to that one.)

So... here's me... choosing not to hide. Trying to remember. Yes... beauty comes from within but for some of us... that beauty within does partially rely on the tone and shape of our bodies. There is nothing wrong with this. Just as there is nothing wrong with this if it is not part of who you are. If this is who I am, I will not hide it. Is this all I am? Absolutely not. But - the one thing I was always proud of and always will be - one of my few concrete accomplishments in life (even if it's in hiding right now) - is a toned, thin and cutely dressed derriere. Is it the most important thing in life? Nope... that would be love. The love of God, family, friends, our passions and ourselves. For all of us, all of these are slightly different from one another... all of our viewpoints are different but in the end - love is the same. It is pleasing. And, for me, love of my passions and love of myself comes in the form of much cardio and much toning. It's not for everybody, in the same way that computer work is not for me but makes other people very, very happy.