Do It Because I Love It

I do it because I love it. Because I love the written word and because it's what I plan to really leave behind when my time comes. Ok, hopefully that is jumping way ahead but I really do love it.

I love to write.

I love to write my blog, I love to write my books (even if they are not published or even close yet), I love to write my examiner articles (even if they are a bit of a rip-off - they are good practice) and I love to just write down words on random pieces of paper around my apartment sometimes. I also like to write poetry though I know little about the actual art of it.

I do it because I love it. Simple as that. Do I hope to make it as a full time writer one day? Absolutely. I pray to God that this really is in my future and with any luck, maybe I can be an influence of some sort, in some way, for a better world. Even if it is just because you heard about a good meal at a great restaurant and you go there and you love it... even that would be awesome to me.

Pressing the Red Button

So you spend a brief time not so sober... after being mostly sober for a while... and you do damage to everything you were just starting to get right... and you begin to destroy the inside of your stomach again... and you decide you need to press the stop button and start again. You need to get healthy in order to get where you want to go.

There is no point in drinking away the fact that almost everything is nothing like you had hoped this adult thang would be like. Then you start to wonder, did you have a plan to begin with?

I didn't.

I did not spend my time thinking about college, I did not spend my time thinking too terribly often about the big, white dress... (or off-white as life would have it)... and I have spent very little time thinking about the kids I would raise. Most of this did not come to play until recently. I'm still thinking about college... and I'm thinking about my future... and I am formulating a plan. Figuring out what my dream really looks like. Figuring out how to get the most out of this life.

But somehow, all of this recent thinking and realizing and the like has taken me down a scary and familiar road. Why I am willing to hit the self destruct button prior to going forward is something I do not fully understand. I get scared of what my future may look like and part of me thinks I am most frightened that it may all actually come to pass. Or, at least, most of it.

Do I know what I want?

Yes.

For the first time in my life?

Nearly.

Not just my adult life?

Not just my adult life. Most of my life. I was only this sure once before... when I used to skate. But - life has a way of making sure you do not go down some roads. A twice dislocated knee is just that for someone who wants to live by the edge of a blade.

Maybe that is part of it. My self destruct button... I have not had a true blue, crystal clear, cut and dry dream since I was in 9th grade and my leg went in three different directions. After that, I just let life lead me where it would... but now I'm back... thinking bigger and better than ever.

Why try to destroy it then?

I am not going to. Not this time. And no one else is going to have as loud of a voice as I do in my own little world. No one but me. Not even the wine bottle that has helped me feel free (in the past) when I was really anything but...

Involved

I want this blog to sound different today than it does most days. I am tired of focusing on the same thing day after day, often because nothing truly seems to change. Yet, everything changes. Everything and everything's mother changes. From the weather to the work we do to the relationships we find ourselves in. It may not always be drastic but sometimes the slight shifts are enough.

I am involved with someone - enough that it is time for me to stop with the match.com stuff for the time being. Not enough that I would say I have a boyfriend but enough that we have had discussions about what is up with us. We have agreed that once it stops being fun, it will be time to let it go. Is this someone I see myself building a future with? Not exactly... but then again, I am not looking for a husband right now. I am looking for someone with whom I can talk and not feel like they have no interest in what I am saying and vice versa. He is a good man, I have to admit. And he's teaching me alot of things I just didn't or don't know.

As he's put it (without judgement, by the way), I have a warped sense of what it is to be involved with guys. He's showing me that it is ok if we talk about our feelings... it is ok if I talk about my feelings. It is ok to say what I think is up. It is ok to not be trying to conform myself to what or who he is... it is ok for me to do as I please. He doesn't want to tell me how I should think or be. He wants me to just be with him when it works for both of us. No labels, just friendship with some extra benefits... but more than a friends with benefits situation.

I am not used to this but I am going to try. And I am going to enjoy it as best as I can.

Jumbled Up

Do the hard work now, so you do not spend the rest of your life unhappy and questioning yourself.

- Lisa E. Scott

The book this quote is pulled from is about Narcissists. Pathological narcissists. The thing about this quote is that it can, in fact, be versatile. As my spiritual director often says "the face changes but the situation stays the same". (At least, I am pretty sure that's how she says it - and she is not the only one who says something similar.) What she is referring to is our patterns. Patterns are hard to break. Life is filled with them. All sorts of patterns for all sorts of people - there are as many mistakes to make in life as there are people. Unfortunately, some are big and life altering... some are just as small as a paper cut that heals within a day or so. These type don't really impact your life anymore than the second or so after it happens. Just a momentary ouch. However, just like a papercut can get infected... too many of the small mistakes can lead to infection of the soul if we do not clean it out from time to time.

The fact of the matter is that all of us are going to make a few gigantic problems for ourselves. Some of it will come from patterns begun in childhood - messages sent to us that we choose to follow into adulthood and the other part will be of our own making later in life. Messages we receive as adults that we choose to live by regardless of what we know deep, down inside to be true.

The thing is this... when one sees these issues... when one recognizes what they are doing to hurt themselves (let alone others)... it would be best to truly address said issues as soon as possible. Staying stuck may look easier and, in some ways, is easier but down the road - one day - one year - one decade you will find yourself looking back and wondering why you have wasted so much time. Many of us do and will.

And if you stay stuck long enough, you may never come to realize what needs to be realized and conquered. You may become so ingrained with unhealth that it seems to you to be normal and "just who you are". The truth is we are all made up of the good stuff. The light, the love, the laughter... most of the time it is our defenses, our patterns, our pain that make us less than desirable. None of us will ever be perfect, that is for certain and something that needs to be peacefully accepted by each of us. While this is true, it does not mean that it isn't worth it to even try to be better than who you were yesterday. If you know the difference, go for it. Life is so much more fun living less jumbled up as opposed to all jumbled up. This is a promise.

Life is meant to be fun. Not easy all the time but still - fun.

Joanna Kerns

"Go there and become a regular". That is the last thing that I recall from my dream this morning/last night... that and Joanna Kerns. Yeah, the mom from Growing Pains. I do not remember what she was doing or why she was in my dream. Haven't seen Growing Pains in years and years. I guess she was just a fact that my brain organized in some new way last night/this morning. The only thing I can think of is that she was married to Alan Thicke on the show and I have seen a few pictures of Robin Thicke on people.com lately. Seems kind of strange for my brain to go three degrees of separation on me though. Very strange, indeed.

Maybe she was meant to be a mother figure and that was it. A gentle type of mother figure... and maybe I should take that quote's advice as I would from a mother. Not my mother but another mother. I mean, even though I am a grown up and recognize that my mom is not always wrong... she is often right... I still do not want to take dating advice from her. Immature - yes. Am I fine with that? Yes. (Mom is the one who asked me repeatedly to sign up for CatholicSingles.com... I did it to make her happy and have received zero... nada... no attention whatsoever. I am thinking I have completely wasted $60. )

What does "go there and become a regular" mean exactly? It is from an article I read not too long ago. About meeting guys... it said you should try to become a regular at the places where you are going to meet men. So... I'm going to tie together my Joanna Kerns motherly voice/inspiration/influence and the one specific line I remember from my dream/subconscious last night/this morning. The places I like... I'm going to start going back to just a bit more often. Even if it means going it alone.

Random Thought #16

"The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text."
-from a forward

Layoffs Today... Come and Gone

Layoff day. That's what today was. The RIF is over now so I can speak in the past tense. A few folks that I was acquainted with are gone. None that I knew well. Only one that I'm actually disappointed in. He was a cool dude. Very relaxed. Easy to work with. I never did meet him face to face but paperwork, phone calls and emails had been exchanged. He actually listened when I gave him direction on what to do, that much I remember. Most of the engineers simply do not.

I am grateful to still have the job, I have to admit. More grateful than I was yesterday. Last night I was actually beginning to feel nervous.

My plans are made. They're in mind. And you guys are probably tired of hearing about them. I mean, my "plans" have been a major topic of conversation lately. What am I doing to progress with them? Today?

Not too much. Just trying to live for today. Waiting until Friday, when I can order my study materials for the personal training course. I'll have all the money for it in the bank. Tonight, however, I'm going to try and head out to get a drink after work. Meet up with a relatively new friend... my next door neighbor and her friends. I'd like to... but we'll see. I have other stuff I should be doing. But, I probably won't do.

Being spontaneous is turning out to be quite a bit more difficult for me than I would have ever guessed. Ever. I need to let go a bit more...

Happy Without the Smile

Going out at night without much of a plan is something different for me. Last night I did exactly that. Co-Britney fan and I were both plan-free so we went over to try out some appetizers and drinks. Meanwhile, a friend sends me a text about going out in Philly. Was already there so we went ahead and met up with her too. The drama that later ensued will not be the focus of today's blog though it could be.

Abuse is an ugly factor in many people's lives. One that I am decidedly ready to keep out of mine. And one that makes me want to go after some people with my Louisville Slugger.

Co-Britney and I did alot of chatting and some catching up on our lives. Guys, work... what we think we will be needing when it comes to having fun. I told her at one point that I am really not looking for a husband right now. That I just want to be free and enjoy myself. I am not sure how exactly this will work but hopefully it will as time goes on. Hopefully I don't hurt anybody. I really do not want to. But - I don't exactly want to be celibate either. My door is unlocked though not wide open to finding the right guy. I want to be crazy about him and vice versa. When we spend time together, I want it to be out and about, not just hanging in at home all the time.

Funny thing is... last night I paid attention to it. I do think I am intimidating to some people. Men, in particular. I have a face about me. My happy face is often not a smile, even though I am fine. People think I am pissed off when I really am not. On guard, maybe... yes... always but pissed... nah. Guess I'll have to work on fixing this.

Sweet and Sour

I sent my Soul through the Invisible, Some letter of that After-life spell, And by and by my Soul returned to me, And answered I Myself am Heaven and Hell.

- Omar Khayyám

It is funny how we flip around. Not just the bi-polar of us but everyone. In one day it is completely and totally possible to feel all sorts of different emotions. Good, bad, beautiful, ugly. To have all sorts of different thoughts... to be sure and unsure of who we are, what we want or where we are going. Even for the confident of us. Our spirit appears (or at least in the mind's eye) to be ever changing and to be ever evolving. With the evolving comes pain and pleasure, yin and yang, dark and light. We need to ride through all of these emotions... we need to experience the wide range in order to discover who and what we are, who and what we are to become.

For myself, I am learning and realizing little bits of myself each day. I have taken the pressure off myself to try to please everyone... or anyone beside me. I have spent a good chunk of my time trying to fit into certain ways of being, certain people's expectations and wants from me. I would rather just abandon it and start again.

In the course of my life (and probably yours as well) I have been through hell. And I will go through it again... most likely in the form of loss. I have glimpsed heaven though I wouldn't say I have ever really been there. Moments, yes. Steady time in the clouds, not so much. I would like to make my life a bit more like hearing the angels sing as opposed to workers grunting in the heat. What it is going to take... my full attention... I will listen, not live by, my feelings. If I dislike doing something, I will stop or avoid doing it. I will not fall into old patterns to the best of my ability. I will figure out how to get to the light at the end of that tunnel instead of just staring at it.

Right now, it's my job. I am grateful to have one but I'm feeling more and more like it just is not me - at least not anymore. I gotta get outta this place... at some point in the relatively near future. (Hey - there are layoffs next week... one only knows what may or may not happen. Though I'm not so sure I would actually want to be let go at this exact moment.) As for other stuff, we'll see. I'm having an easier time taking my time to be and do "me". I am not willing to give that up for much of anything at the moment. I'll give you the time of day but I am not giving you all of my day anymore.

Was that last sentence directed at someone? Yup. Who? Let's just say what's past is past.

Missing 11 Year Old Found

I realize that many of you may have already seen this on the news but every once in a while there is good news in the news... this is great... enjoy the read...


WINTER SPRINGS, Fla. – A missing 11-year-old central Florida girl with Asperger syndrome was found alive on Tuesday, four days after she disappeared into an alligator-infested swamp a half-mile from her suburban home.

Nadia Bloom was taken to a hospital in nearby Longwood, Fla., where she will be evaluated and treated for dehydration and insect bites, said Winter Springs Police Chief Kevin Brunelle.

"If I never believed in miracles, I sure do now," Brunelle said during an afternoon news conference.

Brunelle said Nadia told rescuers two things: "I'm glad you guys found me" and "I can't believe you guys rescued me."

Her sister has said Bloom, who has an autism-related disorder called Asperger syndrome, may have gone into the dense woods hoping to make a nature video.

It took nearly two hours for rescuers to carry Nadia out of the thick brush and swamp. It wasn't police who located her. James King, who goes to church with Nadia's family, found her Tuesday morning in a dry patch in the middle of the swamp and called authorities.

King climbed a tree and unfurled toilet paper in an attempt to draw attention to where they were.

Brunelle said he dispatched a helicopter to look for King and Nadia, but it didn't work.

Using cell phone signals, authorities found King and Nadia.

"Mr. King is a hero right now," said Brunelle. "He led us to her."

Brunelle added that detectives are questioning both King and Nadia for more details on the rescue and how the little girl spent her time while she was missing.

Brunelle did say that Nadia told them that she had not talked to anyone since going into the woods on Friday.

Authorities began searching for Nadia in wooded areas near Lake Jesup, one of the most alligator-filled lakes in Central Florida. The fifth-grader was last seen riding her bike on Friday, and authorities became alarmed when they found her bike and helmet. She did have a backpack with her.

Shortly after word came that Nadia was alive, her father briefly spoke to the media.

"It all came so fast and it just shows the compassion of the human spirit. It should give everybody encouragement," her father, Jeff Bloom, told reporters after rescue crews lifted her into an ambulance.

When asked how he felt, Bloom said: "I can't even describe it. Let's give the glory to God."

-Associated Press

Butterfly Stroke

I kind of have to wonder what's going on with me lately. I have no idea what I want from men... or relationships or anything like it. I want to be single but I want to learn how to enjoy spending time with guys without secretly hating them or being completely leery that they might be trying to hurt me. I've been doing ok with this as of late but still - I want more, more, more.

I have assumed for a long time now that most men either do not have feelings or they just do not have a consciences or both. It's very easy, after enough bad experiences to assume the same thing from all men. But - just lately I have found that these assumptions, while not exactly making an ass out of me, might be wrong. Or at least need some serious altering. I do not want to fool anybody... I'm not ready for a full time gig unless I am reasonably "sure". At least not at the moment but I am ready for some fun one-on-one time. And I do not necessarily mean the sexual kind.

I am in some sort of stage. I really feel like I've gone from dipping the ends of my toes in to wading gently. I'd like to take some good swims before falling into the final one. This - to me - would be fun right about now. I've got to train for the meet but no one has ever told me that training is torture... and look at all the good that comes out of exercise... it's time for me to practice the steps I need to take to perform the perfect butterfly stroke before I throw in the towel and start tossing around the phrase "settling down" a bit too quickly. I had said before that I wouldn't panic until I am 34. I'm starting to think I might want to move that age up to 37. I won't panic until I am 37. Yeah... this feels good.

The Man in the Biker Boots

I don't know him well. But - I do know him. And I have spent a little time chit chatting about nothing memorable with him but he laughs often while you chat with him. He helped me with my car once. Though I have no idea what the issue was. He got down on the ground to look at what was wrong. He is a nice man. Older. Especially to still be working. Someone had once told me, some time ago that he's in his seventies. I believe it even if he does drive a beautiful green Mustang. Green is not usually a color I'd attach to a beautiful car but his looks really good. It's a newer model.

Last time that I saw him he was having trouble getting down the stairs. I assumed he had just hurt his leg or something of that nature. I forget if I was walking up or down them but he was sliding down the steps, both hands behind him, moving really slowly while holding tight to the railing... his hands being his strength while moving along. I wish I had offered to help him but offers like that are often the kind of thing that can be awkward and something you are unsure of when you do not know someone well.

I had recently wondered about him because he hasn't been around. I haven't even seen his car. Working shift work often means you won't see people for extended periods of time but they almost always pop up. He won't be popping in anymore. Was told today, while being handed a get well card for him that he's dying. Terminal cancer. Not sure what kind but still I feel a sadness for him.

He is a nice man. You can tell he lived a little rough just by looking at him but that's ok... I'd venture to say he's probably really lived a life. There isn't much more to say about it. Just that it makes me sad tonight. Sad for those who love him - my father sometimes works with his son.

Prayers are with him. I pray he may have peace as soon as he's ready... but, Father, please let him be ready when You call him home.

The Shake Inside

I had multiple invites for yesterday - especially last night. Instead, I chose to go to bed by 10PM because I had to work today. Really, it was just simply exhaustion. I had spent the late afternoon and early evening enjoying a movie and dinner with a new friend. But - the night before I had stayed up all night (a mistake most of the time in my little world) divulging my mind and more to a very good friend of mine.

It was the kind of night that reminded me of everything. We talked and talked and... talked until the sun came up and the rooms inside of his apartment became bright with natural light. And one thing is for certain right now... I have got to keep working on getting my shit together. I crave my freedom right now... to not make anything definite unless I am sure, to not necessarily spend anymore time handing my life over to someone else. To figure out what it is that I want and how I want my life to slide by. How I want my life to feel, be and what it should look like.

I have craved it for long enough... and now I'm headed down a certain road. Where the road goes exactly, I'm not positive. I am really not sure. I know what I would like it to look like, I just don't know what it will actually be like. I know that I am so far from ready to be completely tied down that the mere thought begs me to try and escape.

I know for sure that I am not the only one. I know that I am not the only one who knows that they are supposed to be living in some other way... living almost another life completely but they give it up just because it is actually easier to do so. In the long run, not so much but in a moment by moment way... yes, it is. I know where I would like this road to head and it is going to take time. I'd be really happy to have you continue to join me on this journey.

Just wish that for today I had not trapped myself into working a sixteen hour day. I didn't used to mind so much when I did this... now it is starting to turn my stomach. There is a wonderful world out there that I am clearly missing out on at the moment. Then again - maybe not so much - there could be a wonderful world right here too... if maybe I just knew how to work it out right. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just where I need to be until I figure out my next steps, until I become sure footed enough to take them.

Yup, stream of consciousness here. Make no mistake about that one.

It Is My Belief That...

This article is awesome...

http://www.religioustolerance.org/reciproc1.htm

Back On the Map

So, I'm back on the map. Feeling like myself again - mentally especially. Rode my bike quite a bit yesterday. I am in better shape than I was, even if the scale is not showing it. I am starting to train for the ride... even though the date is not yet posted. Turns out there are a whole lotta rides and races I can do in the meantime. Found a really good site online that lists them. Yay!

Now I just have to head over to Philly to get the new bike... the road bike, another helmet and a bike rack. Also going to have get something to comfort my poor ass. Shit hurts relatively quickly. Just waiting for my money to come in from the government on that one...

In other news, dating is going... nowhere at the moment. Been emailing with one guy. But that's it. It seems he wants to be pen pals... I have no desire for a pen pal at this point in my life.

Two more weeks until I can go ahead and get my study materials for the personal training stuff. Super happy that I am taking my time to save up for it... not so super happy that I have to keep waiting. I have also scaled back on plan making for the time being... and I have to admit I'm loving it. Knowing that I do not have to run around every single day... well - whew!

As for my wardrobe... it is coming along. I am completely enjoying being a girl anymore. New clothes, old feeling that I forgot about - dressing well most days. Good stuff.

And my second book... well... it's coming along. Don't be surprised when you hear of a book where the main character's name is Queen D'Oria. She's going to be quite the piece of work, my friends.

Peace Quote #10

Ralph Waldo Emerson defined success in a simple life well lived as:

"To laugh often and much; to win the respect of
intelligent people and affection of children; to learn the
appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of
false friends; to appreciate beauty; to find the best in
others; to leave the world a little bit better, whether by
a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social
condition; to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."

Off the Map

The questions in my mind seem to find no easy answer lately. Except for the fact that I am ready to drop all the extras and just focus. Focus on what?

My work. What does my work entail exactly? Less going out, more staying in and more time spent in front of paper or at the computer. Does this mean dropping everyone and everything? No.

It just means dropping that which I can't seem to handle right now. I'm kind of over spending time with or on those things that I can not seem to get into. I would like time to go walking around. To head out and explore. To sit in and read. To see where my latest story wants to go.

I've been messy lately. And it's all a part of a long delayed healing process. But healing isn't always so pretty, it seems. Sometimes it's all you can do to keep yourself from totally losing it.

Does this post make sense? I'm not really sure. I may be well off the map at this point. Far off from where my journey was originally headed.

Groundwork Lain

"Activity is not achievement. It is not enough to rush about beginning a lot of things and keeping busy. A well-spent life is one that rounds out what it has begun."

-- Eknath Easwaran

We run around busy. Like chickens without heads. What we don't do often enough is ask ourselves where all this activity is taking us. For some, it's taking them further and further into debt... sometimes financial... sometimes moral... sometimes something else. Sometimes it leads to bankruptcy of their dreams and desires. Sometimes people forget to really live. They forget to accomplish. They forget who they are in the process of going here and meeting there and being involved in 40 different activities that have no real end to them.

Not saying that relaxation is all bad... this is not what I am getting at. We all need a little of that too. But a little of that can easily turn to alot when it is all we do. And, yes, just because you are busy does not mean that you are getting anywhere. There is a reason that there is a term about going in circles - because it happens. When we do not try to move on, up or around some of the things we need to, we become complacent. And when being complacent is good enough, we stop moving anywhere and start to live our own personal rut.

And ruts suck... sadly it usually takes a long time to even realize you are in one. For some people, too long.

My point here is an easy one. Ask yourself today what it is you want in life. Are you moving in a direction to get it or are you stuck in one spot on your path? I ask myself regularly and I do not always like the answer. It is so easy to stay in the rut sometimes. It can even be comfortable and inviting. Warm and cozy like a bed covered in flannel sheets on a winter's morning. It is when you realize you haven't changed those sheets in months... and that it's summer and you are sweating in your sleep each night... that you need to get up and make that change.

I have been talking about my goals often lately. And I know what they are. Especially the first two. Getting my new bike for the century ride and starting on my journey to becoming a trainer. Right now I'm just saving money. And I am waiting for money from my return. I guess one could say that my whole traveling bug is being taken care of too. Another one of my goals is being worked on. (To see the world.) I have to remind myself that each day I come to work is just one step closer but it is hard to not be able to work on it in any more definite ways. I would like to be able to see the progress daily. It's as if I am building a wall with bricks. But, it's a gigantic wall where we do one layer of bricks at a time. This wall is miles long so it's just one brick after another, side by side for now. And at this moment I am only on the second layer of bricks.

My wall is going to be at least a half a mile high as well. There are alot of bricks left to lay. There is alot of life left to live. Alot of wall to build.