The Shake Inside

I had multiple invites for yesterday - especially last night. Instead, I chose to go to bed by 10PM because I had to work today. Really, it was just simply exhaustion. I had spent the late afternoon and early evening enjoying a movie and dinner with a new friend. But - the night before I had stayed up all night (a mistake most of the time in my little world) divulging my mind and more to a very good friend of mine.

It was the kind of night that reminded me of everything. We talked and talked and... talked until the sun came up and the rooms inside of his apartment became bright with natural light. And one thing is for certain right now... I have got to keep working on getting my shit together. I crave my freedom right now... to not make anything definite unless I am sure, to not necessarily spend anymore time handing my life over to someone else. To figure out what it is that I want and how I want my life to slide by. How I want my life to feel, be and what it should look like.

I have craved it for long enough... and now I'm headed down a certain road. Where the road goes exactly, I'm not positive. I am really not sure. I know what I would like it to look like, I just don't know what it will actually be like. I know that I am so far from ready to be completely tied down that the mere thought begs me to try and escape.

I know for sure that I am not the only one. I know that I am not the only one who knows that they are supposed to be living in some other way... living almost another life completely but they give it up just because it is actually easier to do so. In the long run, not so much but in a moment by moment way... yes, it is. I know where I would like this road to head and it is going to take time. I'd be really happy to have you continue to join me on this journey.

Just wish that for today I had not trapped myself into working a sixteen hour day. I didn't used to mind so much when I did this... now it is starting to turn my stomach. There is a wonderful world out there that I am clearly missing out on at the moment. Then again - maybe not so much - there could be a wonderful world right here too... if maybe I just knew how to work it out right. Or maybe not. Maybe I am just where I need to be until I figure out my next steps, until I become sure footed enough to take them.

Yup, stream of consciousness here. Make no mistake about that one.