Sweet and Sour

I sent my Soul through the Invisible, Some letter of that After-life spell, And by and by my Soul returned to me, And answered I Myself am Heaven and Hell.

- Omar Khayyám

It is funny how we flip around. Not just the bi-polar of us but everyone. In one day it is completely and totally possible to feel all sorts of different emotions. Good, bad, beautiful, ugly. To have all sorts of different thoughts... to be sure and unsure of who we are, what we want or where we are going. Even for the confident of us. Our spirit appears (or at least in the mind's eye) to be ever changing and to be ever evolving. With the evolving comes pain and pleasure, yin and yang, dark and light. We need to ride through all of these emotions... we need to experience the wide range in order to discover who and what we are, who and what we are to become.

For myself, I am learning and realizing little bits of myself each day. I have taken the pressure off myself to try to please everyone... or anyone beside me. I have spent a good chunk of my time trying to fit into certain ways of being, certain people's expectations and wants from me. I would rather just abandon it and start again.

In the course of my life (and probably yours as well) I have been through hell. And I will go through it again... most likely in the form of loss. I have glimpsed heaven though I wouldn't say I have ever really been there. Moments, yes. Steady time in the clouds, not so much. I would like to make my life a bit more like hearing the angels sing as opposed to workers grunting in the heat. What it is going to take... my full attention... I will listen, not live by, my feelings. If I dislike doing something, I will stop or avoid doing it. I will not fall into old patterns to the best of my ability. I will figure out how to get to the light at the end of that tunnel instead of just staring at it.

Right now, it's my job. I am grateful to have one but I'm feeling more and more like it just is not me - at least not anymore. I gotta get outta this place... at some point in the relatively near future. (Hey - there are layoffs next week... one only knows what may or may not happen. Though I'm not so sure I would actually want to be let go at this exact moment.) As for other stuff, we'll see. I'm having an easier time taking my time to be and do "me". I am not willing to give that up for much of anything at the moment. I'll give you the time of day but I am not giving you all of my day anymore.

Was that last sentence directed at someone? Yup. Who? Let's just say what's past is past.