Pressing the Red Button

So you spend a brief time not so sober... after being mostly sober for a while... and you do damage to everything you were just starting to get right... and you begin to destroy the inside of your stomach again... and you decide you need to press the stop button and start again. You need to get healthy in order to get where you want to go.

There is no point in drinking away the fact that almost everything is nothing like you had hoped this adult thang would be like. Then you start to wonder, did you have a plan to begin with?

I didn't.

I did not spend my time thinking about college, I did not spend my time thinking too terribly often about the big, white dress... (or off-white as life would have it)... and I have spent very little time thinking about the kids I would raise. Most of this did not come to play until recently. I'm still thinking about college... and I'm thinking about my future... and I am formulating a plan. Figuring out what my dream really looks like. Figuring out how to get the most out of this life.

But somehow, all of this recent thinking and realizing and the like has taken me down a scary and familiar road. Why I am willing to hit the self destruct button prior to going forward is something I do not fully understand. I get scared of what my future may look like and part of me thinks I am most frightened that it may all actually come to pass. Or, at least, most of it.

Do I know what I want?

Yes.

For the first time in my life?

Nearly.

Not just my adult life?

Not just my adult life. Most of my life. I was only this sure once before... when I used to skate. But - life has a way of making sure you do not go down some roads. A twice dislocated knee is just that for someone who wants to live by the edge of a blade.

Maybe that is part of it. My self destruct button... I have not had a true blue, crystal clear, cut and dry dream since I was in 9th grade and my leg went in three different directions. After that, I just let life lead me where it would... but now I'm back... thinking bigger and better than ever.

Why try to destroy it then?

I am not going to. Not this time. And no one else is going to have as loud of a voice as I do in my own little world. No one but me. Not even the wine bottle that has helped me feel free (in the past) when I was really anything but...