Thanks For My Mom

Mom comes home from the hospital today. Very good, very, very good. Seems her heart disease has made it's way into her brain. Which means stroke - if it had not been caught. Thank God is all I have to say about it. Stinks that she's going to be on more medication but it's wonderful that it was caught before the stroke.

So... I practiced gratitude last night. I'm still working on remembering to do that each and every night before going to sleep. I am thankful for my mom. Before I went to bed, I said a formal "thank you" for her. She's a wonderful woman. Human, with flaws, like all of us. But, she did a wonderful job raising us kids. We all get along, we're all making our way through the world without ending up in prison, we made it to adulthood. And she may have a sick ticker but she's got a good one. I certainly didn't always appreciate her. At one point, I know I couldn't stand her. When I was growing up but I have now come to realize that much of that was her bipolar and my bipolar bouncing off one another. I did some terrible things because of it. I remember I wrote some notes, very nasty notes to a boyfriend of mine from long ago. We're talking my first "boyfriend" here. I was in 7th grade. He was 16. And he then took the notes and showed them to my best friend while cheating on me with her. She then took the notes and gave them to her stepmom. And her stepmom said she didn't want her hanging out with me anymore because of them. I think it was an easy way to get rid of me in my friend's eyes. So that she and my boyfriend could "be together". Whatever... it was better for me in the long run anyway. However, I did always feel bad about writing those notes in general. Very bad. As for the friendship, that was the thing that did us in. And the boyfriend... ran into him some ten years later while at the movies. He had been married and divorced by then... and he was miserable as an assistant manager at the theater. While I stood with my friends in a group he mouthed some words to me... "I should have married you." Wow! Dude! I was twelve.

Have I Become A Man?

Have I become a man? Emotionally... that is...

Last night I was the passanger in my friend's spankin' new car. He and I were talking about how I have changed. I guess since becoming medicated. He gave me a compliment that thrilled me... I used to have obvious good days and obvious bad days. But... now... everyday is a good day. That was awesome to hear. And then we spoke about how I don't show emotion very easily. Or very often.

He asked if it came from my breakup a couple years back. And the answer is, as I told him, it has come from alot of things. Many, many things. I guess it's a way of protecting myself but I don't actually think that's it. Well, maybe when it comes to the cutest guy ever but when it comes to everything else... maybe I've just become a stable individual. For the most part, at least.

I still feel emotions so I know it's not that the meds have made me numb. I know that's not it at all. Yesterday, for example, my mom was in the hospital (she's still there getting tests, actually). She had been having chest pains in the morning and had my brother take her in. He works closer to my parents' house than my father or myself or my other two siblings. When I saw her in the bed and then I went over to hug her we both started crying. So... I am still feeling stuff, I just don't cry easily anymore. And that's kind of a relief.

I feel that I've become more rational. And as my friend and I spoke about it in the car, he pointed out that he knows I feel these things and he knows that they affect me. He's right... but it's just that crying about it doesn't come out as my natural course of action. I cry when it's the right time, I guess. But, I feel it all. And now I have to wonder... is this how boys are? On the inside?

8 Hours Without A Smoke

Oh, I am such an asshole. I came into work today with no cigarettes. I told myself I could go the full 8 hours without one... ha! And this is not good.

Now I've had to apologize to two seperate people for snapping on them. They didn't deserve it. I don't generally talk to anyone like that.

So... I bummed from a co-worker and now I'm good again. This is worrisome to me and I think I'll be talking to my doctor soon about what I can do to quit. I don't think I can do it on my own.

At Bay

I am trying so hard to keep my anxiety at bay. And so far so good... so far.

Went out with my biology lab partners last night. We may be making it a monthly event. We had so much fun. Spoke mostly about relationships and I think there's things we can all learn from one another. We're also talking about a possible trip in the future. We'll see. Wouldn't be until the end of summer.

So... here's my plan: next time I hear from him, I tell him my feelings and then I walk away. Any follow up moves will be on him and his conscience. Meanwhile, I'm kind of getting things in line to start dating other people again. Meeting one guy in a week or so... and I'm slowly connecting with a few people online. If I do actually start dating again, it'll be very casual and I will be "playing the field". Does anyone even use that expression anymore? Besides me?

What Is That Light?

I'm standing here... in a desolate place. I'm looking forward but I'm stuck. I'm like a statue. Stuck. I'm frozen. And I'm slightly afraid. But, I need to move forward. The wind is blowing all around me. I am able to smile in every direction, to communicate with everyone else... but him.

He is not a god. He is a man. An imperfect person just like me. Even if he doesn't appear to know it, he has weaknesses too. Beautiful as he might be, he's just human though in my mind he seems so much more. And I hate that I feel this way about him. With a passion. Because he has the ability to hurt me. I let the walls come down and he has not. At least not in a way that I can see.

Most of me is confident. I generally know what I'm doing and how to handle myself. I'm standing in a tunnel, too afraid to find out what the light at the end is. But, I want to step through and see. There is light there. My cocoon seems to be breaking apart, a crack has appeared at the end. A large crack. And I just have to take care of this one thing before I can emerge and move onto the life I am meant to live.

I have to tell him how I feel.

When the Younger Guy Starts to Grow Up

Well, I'm all rebounded from the hallucination. Left a message for my psychiatrist. She called me back and assured me that, yes, sometimes things like that happen.

I'm so scatterbrained right now. I'm getting used to running the meetup and that's exciting to me. Looking forward to our second meeting on Monday. The first one went over well though I only met one dude whom I didn't know prior to it. But, in time I'm sure it'll build. Couldn't concentrate in class last night at all. I am so ready to be done with biology. Of course, Spanish comes next. Hope I can get my brain together enough for that.

Got a text message from a good friend this morning. Two years ago she was involved with a guy... a younger guy. And then one day, he stopped calling her back. It wasn't so casual that it made sense for him to just stop calling. But, he did. She was hurt. Very hurt. But eventually she moved on. Couldn't do anything about it, really.

Then... last night... out of nowhere she received an email from him. An apology. He apologized for hurting her. And good for him. Now she can breathe a sigh of relief... even if she hadn't been holding her breath... and feel that sense of closure. And as for him, he showed a little character, which is good for anyone and their growth. Good all around, I'd say.

A Noise You Don't Want to Hear While Waking Up

In the dream, I was running... very quickly and very intensely through a friend's house. Then through their backyard. And as the car that was picking me up pulled up, I was getting ready to jump in. Just as I almost did... the thought went through my mind. "I need to go back and get my meds." Then I woke up.

When I woke up she was standing next to my bed. Cocking her shotgun and aiming it in my direction... I sat up... "mom?". Scared... very, very scared. Then she sort of broke apart and melted away.

Apparently, I had a hypnopompic hallucination last night. That's what they're called.

What I call them is "possibly the scariest shit ever".

Applying Some of What I Think I've Learned

Days come and go. You live you learn. And I think I'm really beginning to learn some lessons. Learning how to apply them is key.

I was emailing with a friend this morning. He mentioned running into someone on Saturday night whom I had invited to my party. The guy whom I had invited told me he was going away fishing this weekend. I had a moment of anger... was I lied to? Why would he lie? He's simply not a liar. So... while I was feeling hurt by the prospect of being lied to, I text the friend to ask him about it. He had gone fishing but got back a little earlier on Saturday night so he went out after. Whew! The lesson applied... I didn't assume to know he was lying though I recognized it as a possibilty. I waited until getting an answer before jumping the gun and being angry.

Yay me!

Ok... on another note. I want to talk about therapy for just a minute. I believe there are three keys to what translates into good therapy. 1) Being ready to change 2) Finding the right therapist. Not all therapists are right for all people. You should fit together like a puzzle. 3) Having goals within the therapy setting. What are you hoping to get out of it? What do you believe needs to be changed? My therapist was awesome. We started with outlining goals from the beginning... and then we moved toward them. I guess the forth thing I would list is the ability to be honest. Honest with yourself and honest with your therapist. Both of these can be a challenge but they are both challenges worth meeting. This is my take on what will get someone to where therapy should take them.

Keeping Him on My Radar

I just don't know. I really don't. I had a party last night. And I had a blast. I was so happy to have friends over and enjoy their company. Cooking for them felt great too. Getting to know each of them better was the bestest fun ever.

But, in the last 24 hours I feel like so much has happened. I guess, because it has. I am re-entering the dating world. Even though the cutest guy ever came to the party last night. He is just way too adorable and he makes me beam. However, he's made no indication that he's ready for more than what we currently have... or maybe he has. Maybe that's what last night was about. He called me "my lady" at one point... but I don't think he meant that as "his lady". I adore him but it's time for me to put myself back out there. I would like more, especially if my feelings for someone are so intense.

So... I started my meetup group this week. And I signed up for Chemistry.com today. And I'm planning to meet someone through a friend who thinks this guy might be good for me. I really hope that if the cutie wants more, he'll step up soon. I'd be willing to give it a real try. But, if he doesn't want that... I'm sure somebody out there will. And I know I have alot to give to the right person. For now, I'm content with just getting to know others. After all, if you go back and read my earlier blog about guys, there's no harm in keeping him on my radar while I get to know others. Right?

Where Am I Going?

And now... I realize all of my blogs lately have been self exploratory. And now... I also realize that today probably will be too.

Wrote a list last night. A kind of checklist for my life. My therapist pointed out yesterday that I have to learn to enjoy the process, not just look forward to what's coming up in the future. She's right. I know with all my heart she's right. Sometimes I get stuck in my cocoon and stop walking the path. Reading about the cocoon in the book my spiritual director recommended. "When the Heart Waits". Next... "The Power of Now". Back to my self help books. Sometimes I walk away from them but now I've got a pile of them to work through. Whew!

This cocoon process... I picture myself inside of it. I picture the Road Not Taken (Robert Frost) as my path. However, right now I'm hanging off a branch that hangs over the path. Blocking my own way. But... what if a strong wind (life) comes along and I disconnect from the branch but stay in the cocoon. Maybe I won't be walking the path anymore but I'll be rolling down it, the wind pushing me along. And where I'm really headed I can't full see. Though I can dream about it and keep hope about it alive.

When will I emerge and where will I be?

Will I be riding a snowmobile with a stranger? Like in my dream last night? Or will I be in my own place, smelling the sweet fragrance of success and, yet, always up for growing? Will I be in another town or visiting those other countries... you know the ones outside of this one? Will I have kids and pray that I'm doing an adequate job? Or better than adequate? Will I be married? Will I really be lecturing students on religion? Will I be doing all these things? I hope so. Except I'd kind of like to know who the guy behind the helmet is on the snowmobile. And while I wouldn't mind riding it in someone's backyard, through the mountains might be more fun. Maybe in Alaska, even.

Hole In My Sidewalk

When will we learn? When will I learn? I jump to conclusions... don't know the whole truth and then speak up and get upset when it's not even necessary.

I will learn eventually... will everyone else? There is so much we don't know... so much. We can't tell what other people are going to do... we can't tell what other people are thinking... actions do speaker louder than words but shouldn't we try and get at least some of the information behind the actions before making any choices or even opening our mouths?

I know that I know this... so why do I still make the same mistakes over and over again? Hopefully today I really will.

Time to remind myself of this lesson:

There's A Hole In My Sidewalk

Chapter One


I walk down a street and there's a big hole. I don't see it and fall into it. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to find my way out. It's not my fault !

Chapter Two

I walk down the same street. There's a big hole and I can see it, but I still fall in. It's dark and hopeless and it takes me a long time to get out. It's still not my fault.

Chapter Three

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. I can see it, but I still fall in. It's become a habit. But I keep my eyes open and get out immediately. It is my fault.

Chapter Four

I walk down a street. There's a big hole. And I walk around it.

Chapter Five

I walk down a different street.

After the Meltdown

I'm back. And this weekend turned into a nightmare. Though it should have been filled with joy because one of my best friends had her baby. A healthy, beautiful baby girl. But, I'm back. I forgot my meds on Saturday night and had a complete meltdown on Sunday. I had to take yesterday off from work to recooperate. I felt that I had to lie to my co-workers because I don't want to be the crazy girl on staff. I had a stomach virus as far as they know. And now I'm back here. But, I have this very strong feeling going on. I feel incapable (of nearly anything). Work and non-work related. And my self esteem has been knocked down to nearly nil. One friend told me last night that from what he's seen so far, I'm not going to give up. And I'm not. I came back to work today... that's what's important right now. And I'm working on getting my biology group all caught up (well, actually, my friend is working on getting them all caught up). We're all going to have setbacks... I just can't take many more of them. I need to regroup right now and that's really, really hard to do. Just driving to work this morning felt like an accomplishment. Hopefully I'll get myself back to normal soon.

Frustration

Frustration. That's what I feel. And a bit of brokeness to go along with it. I have only a few principles that I truly try to live by. I love intensely... in all ways, not just romantically. And doing unto others as I would like done unto me. And I am frustrated because many days I feel I'm the only one out there who values their relationships and the people in my life above all else. And I understand that one can't truly learn to love another until they love themselves. Because if you don't know how to love yourself, how can you care for others in an efficient manner whatsoever? How can you understand their needs? But, from what I see... so many people don't want to delve below the surface. They don't want to deal with what makes them tick - whether positive or negative. Yes, it can be scary but imagine the freedom that comes with letting go. Of working through your fears and trusting life. Life is going to hand you some real bullshit from time to time. Believe me, I know life is not all roses. I value people and their feelings, including my own above everything else. Each and every person has the same worth... and they need to know that. They need to know that they are important to you. I need that too. I want to know people so that I can understand them but it seems people don't want to open up. They are scared and put on masks. I guess another principal I live by is living authentically. I don't put on faces. What you see is what you get. And when I choose to have someone in my life, when I choose to care about someone... there is nothing that I will allow to get in the way of that. Unless, of course, it's against their will. If they don't want to open up to me, that's ok. I'll still open up to them. I can't imagine anyone being afraid to open up to me... I've been in some really low situations in life and I have a wide range of experiences that I can identify with. And if you know me for any length of time, I don't hide my past or my present from people. I'm very open. But, maybe it's me. Maybe people don't want to open up to me for whatever reason. I guess I'll just keep going about my business and that'll be that. I'm just frustrated. I've been given a new lease on life and I feel like I'm the only one who feels the joy of being alive. And to feel that I can't share this joy with everyone in my life... well... that makes me sad.

“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart. Who looks outside, dreams. Who looks inside, awakens.” - Carl Gustav Jung

The Stinky Girl In Work

A week ago, I started a new deoderant. Suave Naturals. I bought it a while ago - probably when it was on sale. The job of deoderant is to make you not stink. Turns out "Naturals" means you can put it on but you'll still be going au naturale. I have noticed in the last week that something funky was going on. It seemed like I could smell myself... and the smell was no good. The first time I noticed it I assumed I had just forgotten to put it on that morning. But, alas, yesterday I KNOW I put it on... and I walked out of work smellin'. I brought the problem of the stink up to my co-worker... he asked if I changed brands. The answer was "yes... it's a natural deoderant". Sigh... that's when he broke the news to me that they work like crap. Then I text my bud... she informed me of the same thing. And all I can think is "why was I the last to know?". And then my eyes widen and I think about breaking that sweat at work the other day... oh... no...

Working Out At Work

For most of today, on and off again I have been trying to think of something to write. Nothing of major interest happened in the last 24 hours. Something odd... I broke a sweat yesterday at work. I mean, actual sweating. My friend put in a bunch of jobs to do and I tried to do them all before it was time for me to go... and I had to type up my lab report. Days like that are rare. Actually, I've never had a day where I worked so hard in here that I was sweating. Other jobs, sure. Here, no. Heh. Weird.

Otherwise, my mind is calm. I'm not stuck on anything else.

So True? Usually...

I've found most of this to be true... though there are always exceptions... thought I'd share it...

How true is this... If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be. Slower is better. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can't "be friends". A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend. Don't settle. If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better. The only person you can control in a relationship is you. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently? Always have your own set of friends separate from his. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up. Never let a man know everything! He will use it against you later. You cannot change a man's behavior. Change comes from within. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are... even if he has more education or in a better job. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more nothing less. Never let a man define who you are. Never borrow someone else's man. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you. All men are NOT dogs. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is two way street. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship. You should never look for someone to "COMPLETE" you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE iindividuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him - he takes it for granted. Never move into his mother's house. Never co-sign for a man. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you "everything" that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.

Drinking Limit

It is official. I have to commit to myself. I ruined half of my own weekend by drinking too much on Friday. Then I fell into a deep depression on Saturday. I didn't get my lab report done... and I almost ended a relationship that's not exactly at the point where it really needs to be ended. Whew! Thank goodness things didn't work out on Saturday night.

Anyway... yeah... my drinking limit is in effect. And I stuck to it yesterday. Two drinks. I may allow myself three on the weekends when I don't have to work in the morning. But, that's it.

This is not interesting reading but it is what it is.

Damn

Things are very dark and gray for me right now. My sky is all clouded up and I'm struggling. I have to end a relationship with someone whom I really care for. The cutest guy ever. And I have to let him know that's what I think of him before I do it. Just so I can be at peace with it.

And I have to pretty much quit drinking altogether because usually I can't stop at my cut off. For some reason, I can't just stop at two. And that scares me. Drinking will destroy my life and my mind if I am not careful. The mixing with the meds is really, really not working out too well.

I hate that my life is what it is and that it's taking so long to pull my shit together. I'm tired of working this hard and getting very little in the results department. While I know all about the patience stuff... I'm sick of it. Still... I'll get up tomorrow and keep working on it. I just wish something good would come along to brighten up my day.

Interphase

Cell division. Growth and repair... growth and repair... growth and repair. "That's a big part of it," my professor said. I'd say... that's what it is.

Life. Growth and repair... growth and repair... growth and repair. That's a big part of it. I'd say that's what it is.

Sometimes it really, really hurts. But when you repair it... it feels really, really good. The process is long... it's every day after all... and it's nearly all we know.

Human cells divide. The cycle takes about 24 hours. 22 of those hours are spent in waiting. Interphase. The other 2 hours is when the actual division occurs. But there's all sorts of preparations in interphase.

I'd say most of us spend most of our time in interphase as well. All sorts of preparations... eventually we'll get results. Just takes patience... arg... there's that theme again.

I wonder... if the cell had a brain of it's own... would it get frustrated as we do? Or would it understand it's own process? I wonder.

Best Laid Plans

I wandered through the bowling alley at first, looking for my friend and her fiance. She said she was inside, no longer in the bar. But, when I found her fiance, he and his friend were in the bar and she was outside grabbing the paper that showed the house they had just bought. Very cool. Very happy for them. Looking forward to their housewarming party.

We waited for our lane for about two hours... loosening up a bit over some drinks. The conversation was entertaining and the company was good. The beers were tasty and once we got a lane, the game was fun. My final score was a 79. Certainly not great but I wasn't comparing mine to theirs... I'll keep it in mind for next time to see if I can beat myself. Not being in competition with your friends is good. Being in competition with yourself is even better.

Normally I would have kind of freaked out about having to wait so long. I really felt like bowling a few games, not sitting around drinking only... I wanted to bowl AND drink, honestly. But... as a co-worker mentioned to me yesterday... "best laid plans". The plan was to bowl right away, at 7:30. But it seems there were other things in the works. Leagues and others who had gotten there before us were taking their turn. It just wasn't meant to be... at least not immediately. We had to wait. And as usual, my "theme" in life comes up... patience. We checked in with the guys behind the counter a couple times. The final time they said they did have a lane but had failed to call our name. They didn't mention the failure, of course... it was just apparent. Eh. I don't get worked up about stuff like that. We found out, that's what was important. It may have been a little later than planned but really it just worked out the way it was supposed to. And with the way it worked out, I got to know a couple people better, which is always good. Knowing who my friends are and knowing the people they keep company with is important to me. I just recently have been discovering this about myself. I also spent exactly my budget, not over... not under... exactly. Which is also good. And I was not available to someone who needs to know I'm not always available at their beck and call. (Got a text I didn't notice until I got home... an hour after it was sent.)

So... there really are reasons for waiting and there are reasons we have to sometimes wind our path a new way... after all, best laid plans.

A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps. —Proverbs 16:9

I'm pretty sure God knows what He's doing. (Or the "universe" as my one friend puts it.)

Thank You for the Flannel

You should be thankful for your fingers. The fact that they work as well as they do. I had never thought of it until last night but an older woman at the gym mentioned it. I was putting my contacts back in. And for a moment I admired my hands and listened to her wisdom. I meant to practice gratitude before falling asleep last night. I believe it was the Dalai Lama who taught that each night before you go to sleep, it is good to remind yourself of one thing you are grateful for. This will cultivate a grateful heart. And a grateful heart is one of the keys to happiness. I have done this on many occasions and I have to admit, it does help. It also becomes increasingly difficult to only find one thing to be thankful for in the course of the day. You start thinking about all sorts of possibilties. Or I do, at least. I meant to be thankful for my fingers before drifting off to sleep... but I didn't get to be until this morning. It slipped my mind.

I had taken my contacts out yesterday because I was going into the sauna. For the first time. I read that it helps to flush out toxins and helps blood circulation. It also helps metabolism to increase slightly. I will admit that before being told to be thankful for my fingers, I was staring at my hands and my feet in the sauna. The veins became very prominent. VERY FREAKILY PROMINENT. But, when I got out they went back to regular size. I also used the locker room and the showers for the first time. I do believe I will be using all of this more often and I'm glad I got past my fear about not using them.

I am working on becoming a well oiled machine. My professor described athletes that way... talking about how well their cells work due to their level of fitness. They are "well oiled machines". I want to be a well oiled machine. I guess that's what I'm working toward here... in as many aspects as can be. And it can be exhausting but eventually, hopefully, I'll get it down.

One area... wardrobe. I fixed a long time ongoing problem last night. I had this horrible, ugly, gross flannel that I wore every day in here... year in and year out. A friend gave it to me when he left for the military. Slipped it into my locker so I saw it the next day when I got here. I used to borrow it all the time before he left. And to him I have to say "thank you for keeping me warm". However, I mean, this thing was worn thin and I had started to feel embarrassed about using it. But... out of laziness I still did. Last night I text a co-worker while I was at home and asked him to throw it out. He did so. And today I am wearing a sweater from home instead. I feel better and not only is this machine working on moving smoothly, it wants it's look to be sleek as well.

And tonight I will be thankful for my fingers because they provided the ability to text my friend, which provided me with a little more pride in my appearance. And that's a good thing... or should I let go of the fingers things since I was thankful this morning... and just focus on being thankful for all the years my friend kept me warm. Or maybe I should be thankful for my friend. I think that's what I'll choose. I will be thankful for the friendship of a specific friend... but there are so many people to be thankful for... see what I mean about narrowing it down?

Getting Better Takes Time

Well, it's Tuesday so I'm in a better mood. Mondays are rather unpleasant for me, usually. And I went to the gym yesterday after work... that nearly always picks me up and yesterday was no exception. Thank goodness for it because I needed to be in a good mood last night.

I went out to eat with one of my friends... I've known this girl for probably about 16 or so years. It's really just strange that we've kept in touch but she's good people. And our server was the cousin of a past relationship. We caught up (the server and I), it was actually really nice. I was happy to hear that her life was getting back on track. Poor girl simply has been through too much and needed it. Deserves it. Last year she came home from work and found her mother lying dead on the floor. Goodness... some of us were concerned she'd never fully rebound from that one. The relationship with her mother was not perfect but it was very, very close. However, it appears that she did not only rebound but she seems to be in a much healthier place, mentally speaking. I was really, very happy to hear this. Things in their family are still rough and she commented about "when will it get better?"... the truth is she is working on something for herself, really working at it and slowly but surely this is the path to it "getting better".

As for insights into my own life... not too many. Need to keep working out... have to keep on track with it. Have to become more dedicated to it. I want to work out every day except Friday. I want Friday to be my day off. So, tonight I will attempt to do one of my ab workouts and then maybe I'll head to the gym to try the sauna for the first time ever. That makes me a little nervous but it also makes me curious if I will feel thinner afterwards. I have either gained a bunch of weight within a couple days or I am bloated. I hope I'm bloated, that will go away on it's own rather quickly.