Have I Become A Man?

Have I become a man? Emotionally... that is...

Last night I was the passanger in my friend's spankin' new car. He and I were talking about how I have changed. I guess since becoming medicated. He gave me a compliment that thrilled me... I used to have obvious good days and obvious bad days. But... now... everyday is a good day. That was awesome to hear. And then we spoke about how I don't show emotion very easily. Or very often.

He asked if it came from my breakup a couple years back. And the answer is, as I told him, it has come from alot of things. Many, many things. I guess it's a way of protecting myself but I don't actually think that's it. Well, maybe when it comes to the cutest guy ever but when it comes to everything else... maybe I've just become a stable individual. For the most part, at least.

I still feel emotions so I know it's not that the meds have made me numb. I know that's not it at all. Yesterday, for example, my mom was in the hospital (she's still there getting tests, actually). She had been having chest pains in the morning and had my brother take her in. He works closer to my parents' house than my father or myself or my other two siblings. When I saw her in the bed and then I went over to hug her we both started crying. So... I am still feeling stuff, I just don't cry easily anymore. And that's kind of a relief.

I feel that I've become more rational. And as my friend and I spoke about it in the car, he pointed out that he knows I feel these things and he knows that they affect me. He's right... but it's just that crying about it doesn't come out as my natural course of action. I cry when it's the right time, I guess. But, I feel it all. And now I have to wonder... is this how boys are? On the inside?