Goodbye 2010

Goodbye, 2010. 

The year I rediscovered myself by cutting back on medication that once kept me bound in a strange sort of way.  The year I confirmed for myself that I know what I want most out of life.

Otherwise, not too much to speak of.  But - at this point, that will just have to be enough.

Hello, 2011.

Color Code

Yesterday I took a trip to the dollar store looking for calendars.  The hang on your wall type.  The kind I haven't bothered with in several years.  And I found one.  It's of horses, which is fine - I like them.  And maybe by the end of the year I'll be able to distinguish between the breeds - having looked at them each day for a year.  At the dollar store my options were horses or golf courses.  I thought the decision was a simple one.  Maybe if I were willing to spend more on it the choice would not be so easy but I'm not willing to do that.

My reason for buying the calendar was simple.  I am going to hang it up next to my computer and I am going to keep track of several of my 11 in 11 goals with it.  Today I ran out to Walgreen's during my lunch to buy some accompanying Sharpies.  I now have all of the colors of the rainbow.  And then some.  I don't recall black ever being part of the rainbow.

For each color, there's a goal.  Purple = outfit, blue=no credit card usage, red=smoke free and so on and so forth.  For each day that passes, I will be able to put a check mark down if I have worked on the goal.  I don't need each color every day but I want to be able to look over each month and see that some progress has been made in each area.  There are a couple that don't have a marker... such as the inferiority stuff but how would I process that?  How would I provide a check mark?  That kind of stuff will probably (in many ways) be solved by the check marks the rest of my goals produce.

As for traveling and meeting people with similar interests, those don't have a marker either.  But - my goal is to go to at least one outing a month with the intention of meeting someone new.  I'll probably have to write that on my calendar in word form - just as a vacation would go up there too.

Eleven in Eleven

My friend Spice started something.  Eleven in eleven.  Eleven goals in 2011.  She has pleasantly invited some of the people in her world to join her in making goals of their own.  I have decided to give it a go.  I woke up this morning thinking about it as well as the goals I might want to place on my list.  So... here it is:

One... to get a full workout in five days a week.  That means an hour.  One single hour... only five hours in the entire week.  Weights, cardio, stretching... the whole nine yards.  When I try to lose weight I fail miserably with the eating thing.  When I exercise at this level, however, I see results.  Real results.  I have tried this before but have managed to fall out of sync with myself time and time again.  This year... no more of that.

Two... to quit smoking once and for all.  It's a nasty habit - I am well aware.  Not much has to be said about this though out of all the goals mentioned here, this very well may be the toughest to complete.  But - we'll see.

Three... to make a much larger effort of putting together outfits each day of the week.  I tend to get lazy with this one.  I tend to just let it go for work and what I wear to work trickles into every day, of course.  There is a reason for this.  A very simple one.  I do not enjoy what I do for a living and feel no desire to dress up for it.  However - if I look at this from a different angle, it is really very simple.  I do not enjoy dressing up for work but I do enjoy dressing up for me.  I enjoy wearing my hair down and I enjoy putting on makeup.  Maybe if I just see it from this different point of view, the enjoyment of it for no other reason will begin to trickle in.

Four... go back to school.  I only have a few classes left before my associates is complete.  Spanish II is signed up for and it's just time to get 'er done.  (That line is so annoying.)

Five... to stop feeling inferior to others because they have blessings that I do not.  Whether it's looks, relationships of the loving kind, a family or a job they enjoy, I feel inferior.  It's not envy exactly... I want those around me to be blessed and I am usually happy when they are.  It's just that I want to feel blessed too.  And when I'm not... which in 2010 this has felt like a barren desert... I tend to lash out and try to find faults so I can feel like others are less than perfect, just like me - because there has to be a reason why so many things refuse to go my way so often, right?  I wonder why the gifts that land on other people's doorsteps do not land on mine but maybe feeling inferior actually has something to do with this.  Maybe.  This one is going to be tough.

Six...  to finish my personal training certification and start the boot camps when the weather gets warm.  I doubt I will ever do personal training full time but I still want to give it a go, simple as that.

Seven... to meet more people who have interests similar to mine.  Whether it's reading, writing, traveling or chatting it up, I have noticed that many of the people I am friends with - whom I love dearly - just do not seem to be looking at or thinking of things the same way I do.  Which is actually perfectly fine.  Necessary, even.  However - I would enjoy getting to know others whom I can enjoy my passions with more often.  In ways that may be new and unexpected.  Not to replace but to add to.

Eight... to write at least one single spaced page every day.  And my blog does NOT count.  Many an author has lived by this simple rule and maybe I should too.  Or maybe I should at least try it.

Nine... to send my writing out to contests, magazines, publishers and agents.  While I expect plenty of rejection - in order to share my writing, the world has to at least have the opportunity to read it. 

Ten... to go on four trips (at least).  They do not all have to be a week long or even involve a plane but they do have to be somewhere away from here. 

Eleven... to work on paying off my debt (seriously, for once) and start saving again.  This one is pretty self explanatory. 

So, there you have it... eleven goals - here's to moving into 2011...

    

Even If

Even if no one sees it, God does.

Even if nothing changes, I do.

Even if no one hears it, God does.

Even if doors fail to open, an opportunity still exists.

Even if chances seem to pass me by, there will almost always be another.

Even if today is a dark one, there will be light again.

Even if support is buckling beneath me, I know how to use a hammer and nails.

Even if everything I have wanted escapes me - I will try again.

Even if kindness eludes me, I can still be kind.

Even if all I need is understanding, I understand myself.

Even if I fail to meet my own expectations, at least I strive at all.

Even if my personal cross to bare is sometimes very heavy, within it I have depth.

Even if the trust I have in people is not deserved, I know some of the deserving.

Even if my sacrifices are misunderstood, at least I made them.

Even if I am horribly imperfect every single day, I understand that everyone else is too.

Even if that imperfection is an obvious blot on my life, I know that I need to seek forgiveness.

Even if I do not understand why the stars fail to align for me, I will not give in to the harshest of my thoughts.

Even if I see the temptation of permanent sleep as a possibilty, I will simply choose to nap instead.

Even if this thing continues to hold me down, at least I will keep up the fight.

What I Want

I want to dance. I want to sing off key to songs I barely know.  I want to laugh.  Hard.  I want to open my heart and my mind again.  I want to eat good food.  I want to imbibe on some beverages which will make me feel a little tipsy.  I want to explore the possibilities.  I want to write.  I want to read.  I want to discuss everything.  I want to learn.  I want to have spontaneous meaningful conversation again.  I want to see the world.  I want to love others and life again.   

I want to live.  Growing older is unavoidable (with any luck).  Growing old before my time is avoidable.  Lately I have been feeling way too old, way too fast.  This has GOT to STOP.  And I'm the only one who can make that happen.  The early thirties is not a time to throw in the towel - it's a time to leave that towel out in the sun and bask in it's warmth after a good swim. 



 

At Least You Tried

You put yourself out into the world and you hope that someone likes what they encounter.  You hope but then you find yourself unsure.  This occurs in many areas of life - job interviews, dating, social events, you name it... you have to put yourself out there from time to time.

Granted, there is always the hermit option in life but that is a sad state of being that most of us simply could not handle.

And it is inevitable that some people will not like you.  Depending on the situation and your placement in that situation - there may be many people who don't like you.  It may be one person.  There are times when we simply don't care for others and there is no deeper reason.  You just do not like them and/or they just do not like you.  This is just the nature of humanity.  This is the nature of who we are as a collective whole.  You can't please everybody and you can't win everyone over - no matter how truly wonderful you really are.

If you're trying... you should just stop trying... it's never going to work.  You will be happier in the long run if you give it up earlier rather than later. 

Which does not mean NO ONE will like you.  There are plenty of people that will.  Plenty of people.  The problem is, at times, finding them.

Then there comes the issue of putting yourself out there in some other way.  Not just simply for showing up and desiring for a connection.  For some of us, it is something that is birthed from within (and I'm not talking babies here), something creative - something to add into the world with hopes that maybe the right eyes will see.  Maybe you will find your audience.  Maybe.

Failing to do so on the first try or the second try or even the one hundredth try does not mean they are not out there.  They are out there somewhere - and with just the right amount of searching, finding and creating both explored and unexplored pathways - you may very well find each other (ask anyone who has been dating for any length of time and finds someone to love - whether forever or not).  This, however, takes the first steps.  Small steps that could lead you somewhere bigger, somewhere new.  You could touch others but you have to reach out your hand first - sharing yourself and your creative endeavor (whether it's the painter displaying their first work or someone opening a new business - creativity is something that was not there but is now). 

People will not always love everything you do even if they love you and most of what you do.  (Even Tom Hanks has had a few stinkers.)  Putting your first foot out there, however, is important.  No matter what the reception to your work, which most people who have ever created will tell you is an extention of themselves, the fact is you have tried.  You may never make your million dollars from it but if it brings someone something - particularly something positive that they would not have had otherwise then you have done your job.  It would be unrealistic to say that this means rejection should not get to you... it does if you have heart... but allowing rejection to defeat you is what determines if you are forever lost inside your fear.

Step out and step up.  People may not always appreciate what you are sharing but often you will find at least those who appreciate the effort that it takes.   

   

My Fainting Room

"Happiness is the sublime moment when you get out of your corsets at night."
-  Joyce Grenfell

This is the time of year when most people are busy thinking about what they're going to buy, who they're going to buy it for and possibly even the reaction they will get as they hand whatever it may be over to it's true owner (or victim - in some cases).  They may also be thinking about what they're going to get.  Only a few more days until we all find out.  Meanwhile, there are some who are reminded of happiness and cheer and how "holly jolly" the beginning of winter is.  The world is in Christmas mode, folks and for this I am grateful.  Even if I do not feel like them, I am glad to know and see them.  Minus the cranky shoppers who flip other shoppers the bird in the parking lot.  Minus those peeps, of course.

Just about a month ago things began to slowly fall into my own brand of winter mood.  It started about a week or so before the giving of the thanks and will ride through until probably about March.  Some days will be better or worse than others but it's tough to determine which will be which.  Unfortunately, the holiday cheer often gets buried somewhere underneath a pile of rubble but often still manages to get enough air to make a comeback, just in time.  Christmas and New Year's will come and go and some relief will filter in.  Knowing that we're plowing through the coldest of days... leading to the rebirth that comes in spring helps me to breath just a little easier, a little calmer and without the weight on my chest - surrounding me, clenching me.  Until then some days will be pulled tight and some days will feel like a sweatshirt resting on me gently.  Choosing not to push myself too much is what life calls for right now.  At a time when everyone else pushes themselves to the limit, I find myself stepping back and taking count of my plans for the future - regardless of how hard it is to run.  Even if I end up crawling, I will crawl across the finish with the hope that next year, maybe next year... I'll be up and running again. 

Mental Space

The other day I made myself sound like a slob.  And last night I did some cleaning.  Very little reading - and no work on my story - but I did straighten up the place a bit.  It only took me a short time, really to pick up what looked like a mess to me.  I had a place for almost everything that was strewn about on my coffee table, much to my surprise so now there is space again. 

I seem to go through streaks of allowing things to pile up.  I am not sure what this is about but I am sure that it usually has something to do with something taking my attention and running... as things (life) often does.  Maybe this is normal, maybe it's not.  I just know that when I re-read my blog from the other day I felt like I made myself sound like a hoarder.  It's nothing like that at all. 

A while back (as I have mentioned before) Spice had brought up the idea of "messy bed, messy head". (Or was it "messy head, messy bed"?)  And then some things occurred in my life that put me squarely back in a good mental space.  (ie. just enough medication to help me get a good night's sleep but not enough to make me "drugged")  Do you know what happened almost spontaneously after arriving back in the good mental space?  I began to make my bed each morning, right after getting out of it.  Something I have never done before but something I have really been enjoying. Enjoying mostly when I climb back into bed the following night. 

Do you know what else happened?  Several things.

One, I am back to writing fiction - because that is what I feel I do best.  Two, I am praying regularly.  Three, I am back on the exercise train.  (Though that one didn't exactly fall off too badly until the winter began to set in and Thanksgiving came along as it does.)  Four, I have cleared out alot of emotional and mental space that had been previously occupied by nothing worth my time.  Five, I have begun to develop my personal purpose in this world.  Six, I have signed up for classes in the spring.  Seven, I have stopped feeling a need to go out all the time - I am content in a world with pen and paper - or a word document and keyboard strokes.  Eight, I have become a bit more serious about paying off any debt I have incurred in the last several years.  Nine, I re-opened a door to online dating.  And ten, I simply feel a sense of peace that had been missing for a very, very long time.    

Many of these things seem to have been a cause and effect type of thing.  One link in a chain leading to another.  Much of it is a chicken and egg type of thing.  Though if I sat down to figure it all out - I'd probably be able to... maybe another time.  Either way, I am simply grateful that all of these things are running smoothly.  I can't help but notice that all of it, however, coincides with being on a regular schedule at work.  That'll be changing soon, my fingers are crossed that going back into a rotation doesn't kill everything I have finally got rolling right.  

Random Thought #26

"Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died."
-from a forward

Riving My Time

Last week I started a story and this week I am finishing it up.  Sometime in the last year I thought the idea up.  Next year I am hoping to sell it to whomever will buy it.  I have no idea where that will be yet.

I spent the week in between trying to figure it out.  Trying to figure out the emotion that only one of my characters would feel and why she would behave the way she does.  Yet it wasn't until I wrote the situation I had been trying to resolve into the story that I could see it.

On Monday, I had the day off from my day job.  I puttered around the house knowing I should get to work.  Work being two main things.  Writing and reading, reading and writing.  I sat down with an article about a poet by the name of Christian Wiman.  I had never heard of him prior to this article but it's good to expand one's horizons.  It was an interesting (and long) article about him for which I needed a dictionary.  Not for all of it, luckily but for just a few words - some of which I probably should have known but didn't. 

In the midst of reading this article about the author of Every Riven Thing (riven was one of the words I had to look up) I was suddenly struck by something in the article and I immediately put down the magazine and got to my own work.  I worked and worked and took a decent sized break for dinner and then worked again, up until 10 o'clock.  The hours passed without me knowing and my hand grew only the slightest bit tired from hours of writing.  (I'm still trying to figure out how I write best.... longhand or on the computer... kind of believing the longhand works for a first draft and the computer works for adding in the details of a second draft - it's different for everyone.)

Upon reflection of what it was in the article that moved me I had no idea.  I went back to the article in order to finish it during last night's downtime.  This is a time of night that comes an hour or so before I have to go to bed, after my nightly shower, once I have turned the computer off for the night.  When I have to work at 7:30am, the timing is at 9pm.  The computer goes off.  Apparently, as I've heard and read in multiple places, looking at a computer screen anywhere within the hour or so before you go to bed stimulates the brain in a negative way - causing sleep disturbance.  So... I can enjoy some reading during this downtime.  Reading from a - gasp - book or magazine.  In the article there was a quote from the author that I loved.  I believe I'm going to save it for the right occasion.  This quote was enough to get me past my very temporary and not too stressful (though still irritating) writer's block.  This was the quote that caused me to stir when I needed stirring.  Funny part is not having remembered it at all until I re-read it.

I'm still working on figuring out my rhythm.  The one that works best to bring the words out of me from within.  I wish I could just not worry about my job at all (maybe just some schooling) so I could REALLY figure it out but I'll have to deal with what's here and now, not what will be.  One day I'll be able to worry about finding my rhythm day in and day out as a full time writer (positive thinking) but for now - I have to stick with after work and on days off. 

Taking the Trash Out

So... I'm messy.  So what?  My car's a small record of things I meant to read, that I wore at some point or listened to in order to be inspired.  Even if it was simply inspiration to keep breathing for the rest of the day.  Or inspiration to try and reach a real, full, dark, deep and complete picture of my own internal wrath.  Or maybe it's the mail my mom gives me each time I visit her house.  She doesn't trust that I should actually throw it away.  Maybe she's right... maybe something will leak through and I will have discovered that in the last two years I have simply forgotten to change my address on that one, very important forgotten form.  Or... maybe they did.

For years, I have tried and failed and tried and failed to keep order in all things me.  Guess what... it didn't work.  I can be a mess and that's just who I have to be.  Too much of my energy has thus far been wasted on "plans" to finally get completely organized.  Lists, ideas... times spent berating myself for the sloppiness by which I sometimes live.  Generally, however, I know where most things are... the things I need.  I know where I put them.  I know where to retrieve them.  Usually. 

If I notice, it's kind of getting gross... I dust it.  If I notice that something is a strange color of white when it used to be pure, I cleanse it.  If people are coming over, I try to make sure they won't leave covered in cat hair because they sat on my couch (thank you, large rollers from Wal-Mart) and that if they go in to use the restroom, they won't be concerned about touching anything.  If they're eating at my table (or in my living room), I don't want them wondering what that thing is resting on the side.  (It's a bowl of soup... from several days ago... eww.)  Otherwise, I've got other things on my mind.  Maybe cleanliness is next to Godliness.  But - maybe - for some of us that cleanliness has to come from within instead of from within our apartments and our cars or on our desks.  Maybe for some of us this strikes us as a balance that we need.  Some people need to mop the kitchen each week.  I just need to make sure there's nothing down there my cat can get sick on or my sock can get stuck to.

If I want to do all that I want to with my life, there is little room for cleaning - just for the sake of being spotless or tidy or otherwise what someone else may care dearly about.  By no means am I saying that this is bad... it's just different from the way I choose to live.  I have and keep alot of stuff.  Most of it papers and magazines and ideas of some sort.  And it litters the inside of my world, which is tiny by comparison but just part of the greater picture.  Not everyone can live dust-free... some people have to... for a variety of reasons... but I am choosing from here on out... that I will no longer be ashamed to just let it go.  Within reason.  The trash goes out when it gets full (or when the chicken wrappings begin to make me wonder if one of my neighbors may have died) and the litter gets changed out twice a week  Remnants of food containers don't grow in my vehicle but old water bottles and the occasional cigarette pack sometimes do.