Off Seroquel

Riding high amongst the waves
I can feel Like I
Have a soul that has been saved
I can feel like I
Put away my early grave
- Amongst the Waves, Pearl Jam

Yesterday a few people asked me how I was feeling and others just listened to me rattle on about it regardless of whether or not they asked. Well - really - it was only two people who heard me rattle on about it. Both very good friends.

Getting off Seroquel.

It's like coming out of a coma. An emotional, cloudy, physically uncomfortable coma. Ok... maybe I should liken it to a really long hangover. That would probably be more like it. One where I spent half of my time unconscious.

Having done a little reading up on what others are saying about the Seroquel world, it seems I am not alone. Stomach issues, weight gain that is not fully explained even with the extra hunger I felt (which may not have been hunger at all much of the time - it may have actually been acid) and cannot be lost,an excessive need for sleep and completely dibiliatating days on the couch here and there were the physical sides of it. The mental/emotional side - well... it sometimes got pretty ugly.

Meanwhile - after one day off the full dose (still taking a smidge to help me sleep) I feel like my world has been returned to me. I feel alive again and free. The weird part is not even realizing how bad a medication is making you feel. When it starts slowly and then the symptoms begin to increase as the dosages do, it almost seems natural. You fail to see the correlation until one day you realize something in your life is just not working. Something big. Then you say... let's put our finger on it. Preferably to your doctor.)

Twice in my life I found myself in a particular kind of rut. Not that I have only been in two... but twice I came to a place where all I could do was sit down (or lay down) and say "something about me is different than nearly everyone else... something is wrong... what is it?"

One of those times was a few years ago when I first approached the doctor about getting medicated for the first time in 10 years. The second was just recently when the weight just wouldn't come off, the studying came to a near stop (imagine: when you almost completely stop at a stop sign but then just sort of roll through, foot on the brake but not pressing down all the way), the aparment is a disaster, credit card balances have taken a leap (though new clothes really were needed), your job is completely intolerable because you see no way out and your love life is DOA (as so delicately put by The Rembrandts). Emotionally - well - everything just stopped being clear anymore. And yelling at people had become a regular occurance. Not like me at all.

Did I mention that aggitation is another noted side effect of Seroquel? I'm talking on the packaging kind of noted. Same as weight gain. Both of which I knew about but simply chose to ignore and in some ways - disbelieve.

Yesterday I felt great. Today too. Hopefully this time it sticks - at least for a good, long while. (If not for good.) This is not to say that I am totally down on Seroquel or that I am going to trash it. For some people, I'm sure it's a Godsend. I mean that quite literally. I'm sure it can be an answer to prayers. It was for me - at first - when the dosages were still small. Even if it became a nightmare later... it was something I was incredibly thankful for until it's time ran out.