I Forgive You

"Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future."
- Paul Boese

Working on forgiveness lately - as some or maybe all of you know.  Forgiveness of one person in particular but, really, several people have shown up in my head while I have been putting my best foot forward in this area.  Most of whom do not need forgiveness per say but, rather, an understanding from me.  An "I'll just let it go" type of thing.  And "let it go", I have begun.

In the process of trying to rewire my brain and retrain my thinking... in the process of trying to attempt the spiritual side of forgiveness as well... the mechanical side has come to light, just a little bit brighter than it was before.  The "in the moment" feeling of the last week or so has been a relief.  Deal with what's here and now... instead of what cannot be changed, cannot be altered, what resides in the past. 

It is so incredibly easy, once hurt, bruised, battered or otherwise mistreated (whether mentally or physically) to just stay with that period of time.  To just stay in that land - whether you are wanted or not - whether you even want to be there or not.  It is relatively easy to replay the pain, as difficult as it is to feel because who knows what may exist for you outside the realm of what you have known.  You know this territory, you know how to navigate it.  If you let all of this go... get your car unstuck from the mud... where might you end up?

That, however, makes it simplistic.  Fear holds me back from moving on.  No... not exactly.  Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of whatever seems like an easy explanation.  But, no, that's not it exactly.  For me, it's been the fear of a lack of justice.  Or what I would perceive to be justice.  I wanted to see it, smell it, watch it.  Not necessarily impose it myself but I kind of wanted to know that it was happening.  I wanted to know that all of those things that I had been brought to believe about myself were not true... I wanted to know that others, particularly those who had disregarded, used, played with and otherwise behaved like I was less than a human who deserved an ounce of respect and real kindness, were brought to their knees too.  Simply put, I wanted those people to just simply prove to me that they were unhappy.  But - this didn't happen.  Not that I have proof nor have I ever had proof that they are happy.

Then comes the next question - why did I want "justice" so badly?

The truth is... because the same thing that got me into some of my messes is the same thing I was trying to combat, even after the mess had exploded all over the room.  Even after the mess had been cleaned up for all intensive purposes... the truth was, a blacklight would should still show the lint on the sweater.  It was still there.  For the same reasons I allowed the mess to get as bad as it did... why I didn't duck and run at the first sign of trouble... or the hundredth sign of trouble for that matter... I really did not know I could or that I should or that there was even a choice in the matter.  How does one not know there's a choice when there is always a choice?  Part of it may have been immaturity... part of it was the need/want/automatic reaction to please others (everyone but myself)... part of it, much of it was simply a lack of love for myself.  Maybe if other people could love me, listen to me, hear me and maybe even react to me then maybe I would be a complete person. 

I looked for the validation in many of the wrong places.  I looked anywhere the wind blew me... in many, many places I should never have even gone.  Which would makes sense to some... or maybe most... the validation never did come.  Once in a while there was a glimmer of hope but the hope never turned into anything more. 

Why did I want "justice" so badly?  Because I wanted to know others were the same as me.  That maybe those people... up there... weren't ever truly any better than me.  Maybe they can fall down from their pedestal.  Maybe I can see it so that I know, for certain, that it's not me... it's them too.  Maybe if they feel shitty, then I'll feel less shitty.

All of this, I realize, is backwards thinking.  First off, in many cases, I am the one who built the pedestal to begin with.  My assumptions often being that the other person was more important than I am.  And if they are not more important, they are more "something".  My value was never diminished, it just simply never existed.  Second, why shouldn't I... instead... build the pedestal up to them... look them in the eye and say "I forgive you for using my weaknesses against me... you may or may not have even known you were doing it... it really doesn't matter what your motives were or weren't.  That is your problem to deal with, not mine.  Not anymore.  You should not have treated me badly but you did and it worked, it kept me in my place for long enough.  But - I don't want that place anymore.  I want to be up here, where the air is fresh and clean.  I deserve to be, same as you.  One day you may need a hand to get back up here, if so, let me know... I am really hoping that I will be, at that time, able to say... here let me help you up.  I'm not there yet, so I hope you either don't fall or you do have someone else to help you... you probably do, as you deserve to... same as me.  I would prefer we just stay out of each other's way for now, probably for good.  But - I am hoping that one day I will be able to say, at least to myself, that if you ever need anything... you can come to me.  For now, I can't but that's ok too.  I forgive you... that's all I am really trying to say."