Losing A Day

Give me just a minute to explain myself and my behavior. Maybe you don't need an explanation but I feel the need to give one. Maybe I just want to explain it to myself though I already get it. Frustrating as it may be, I already do.

I called out from work yesterday. Not for lack of time off lately. But - because it happened again. My once a month 24-48 hour depression. Last month it actually skipped. Most months, it does not. I am busily coming out of it now but I am not done quite yet. It happens one week before my period when it does happen. And let me tell you... it's awful.

I don't feel specifically ill though I don't feel well. I am unable to take care of myself in the most basic of manners. Showers - forget it - that is too much standing up. Getting comfortable is tough; though if I don't have to go to work when it happens, I sleep and sleep and sleep and lose a day of my life. We won't go into the head games that go on with myself but suffice it to say there is only two rungs of lower on the ladder. Eating - junk. That's about all I can handle... not only to taste but also to cook or prepare. Dishes pile up and so does a mess that will take me several days to get around to cleaning. Sometimes I don't get it done before the next tremor hits and that's how a good chunk of the pile builds up.

Yes, I recognize what it is... which has made it only slightly better. I can remind myself why I feel so awful - so all of a sudden. But - the realization does not make it go away as I would like. My doctor told me to take vitamin B. I started and now it really does only last for a day to two. Prior to the extra vitamin B, it would last an average of three to four days.

The scariest point for me... is part of the head games. It's the fear (though it's a dull fear, it is still very real) that I will never feel good again. What if this one doesn't go away? What if I am unable to ever function again? Correctly? It always gets a little worse when I'm battling regular ol' human emotions anyway... which has been the case lately relating to work and coming home from Republica Dominica. I do not worry about some of those lower rungs because I know they simply won't be touched. They will stay just where they are. But - the idea of never feeling better - I just can't take that. And I know I am far from alone with these kinds of issues, this is just a part of who I am - I still wish every month could be like last month and I could just say "skip".