Back to the Minors

Have you ever looked fear in the face and said I just don't care?
-Pink, Glitter in the Air

Let's talk confessions here. Let's talk about some very, very deep rooted emotions that I have no idea how to extract except to act in the opposite of how I have been for too long a time. If you do not mind, there is a part of my mind and my soul that is figuring out these dark things and I just need someone to listen. Advice is welcome. Nothing too dark, mind you but dark enough for me to have noticed.

What if you saw men and found yourself walking way out of the way so they maybe, with luck, would not see you and would not judge you? What if you did not put precedent on taking care of yourself because it was a useless endeavor? What if you used to dress cute but don't very often anymore and you used to really take pride in your body but don't anymore? You want to, you just simply don't. What if you feel, in a very real way, that almost any man you are attracted to will hurt you - deeply? What do you do then?

Two things. One, you close yourself off in public - body language. Two, you go online and get terrified when a cute one says hello because deep, down inside you know that they're just out to get you. But - not in a fun way. What if you are at the age of 30 and have never felt (romantically)loved in return for what you have given out? I'm talking healthy love, not co-dependent or anything of that nature. I am talking about the kind of love that helps to relieve stress... not add to it. What if you have no idea how love really feels because you have simply never experienced it? You have imagined it and you know that your imagination is right but that does not mean you can get past home plate. You have been up to bat for quite some time but have only taken a few foul ball swings.

What if the future you are hoping for, looking forward to and really, really want is right around the bend but one very big detail is not where it needs to be? The future that I want depends largely on working out the aboved mentioned issues. I had to ask a guy last night, my movie buddy, about men. Some very basic questions. Very basic. Like, do they really look at women? As much as they are said to. So why do I not see them looking at me? He said he finds it hard to believe that I never meet anyone. The primary way I do - and have - for quite some time has been online OR I have been friends with them first - for a while. And the truth is, I'm bored to tears with the online stuff. It's time for something new.

My experiences have been varied, I cannot claim that there have been no smiles. There have been. But it never lasts. I do not mean the relationships, I mean me - who I am but have no idea how to share - that part of me always takes over. Or something else comes up way too soon to see it progress at all. That part of me that lives naturally and fluently with men. As I have said before, I am not ready to settle down yet. A very big part as to why (because settling down to me does not necessarily mean buying a house and having babies - I just mean meeting "the one") is because I would love to be able to learn about men in an open and honest way. I would like to experience some of the good stuff before getting to the great stuff.

So... what does that mean? How do I go about working through this one?

I just do it. Somehow or another, I just do it. Does this mean going out alone a bit more often? Yes. Are there specifics that I would much rather work out (I am talking about my body) before I start this? Yes. And I do have the time to do so but a big part of me just wants to jump into it. Dive out into the water. Much like snorkeling, which gave me a few very scary seconds at first - panic set in but I kept putting my face back down anyway. Before I knew it, I was loving it and wished for more time to take in all of the beauty under the water.