Getting Past the Prologue

What is past is prologue
-William Shakespeare

The comedy was nowhere near as offensive as I've seen in the past.  Only one of them pushed the envelope for me personally.  Actually, he pushed the envelope for me as well as for Numero Cinco.  I felt like crying, Cinco was hoping I wouldn't... though he wasn't laughing either.  (I wasn't really going to burst out in tears and we both knew it.)  The amazing part is that I wasn't personally offended.  Quite frankly, what disgusted me had nothing to do with me.  I was just that... disgusted.  I'm not sure how real it was... it probably wasn't... hopefully it wasn't.  Oh, please.. dear God... nah, it couldn't have been... could it?

Numero Cinco and I are having a great time and that's all I'm going to say about that at the moment.

A comedy competition was a nice break from the routine.  Something new to try out.  Something fun to do.  I'm glad he asked me to go.  When I walked in, we hung around with his comedian friend, chit chatting, listening to him talk about what his craft is to him and how he works on it.  I was proud of him - even though I barely know him.  A room full of people expecting to laugh at what you have to say is not an easy room to get up in front of.  (Shit, a room full of people - for most of us - is not an easy room to get up in front of.  Period.)  As Cinco and I found a spot to sit down I caught eyes with a girl standing up right in front of us.  I looked at her and almost through her for a moment.  I hadn't noticed at first that we were looking right at one another.  As I sat down, I had the thought "I know that girl."  It wasn't until a few minutes later that her name came to mind and I was able to place her.

She wasn't someone I knew well - but we had a history.  A strange and intricate twisting of fate that led us into and out of each other's life from time to time.  I only recall having an actual conversation with her one time.  We were at a BBQ years before. 

She was the girlfriend who was with my high school sweetheart right after I was with him.  Some say he cheated on me with her - others (including him) deny it.  Either way, I'm over it and have been for just about forever now.  The conversation at the BBQ took place a long time after their relationship had been over as well.  Now I'm stuck wondering who's BBQ I spoke with her at.  Why was I at that BBQ... who's house was that?  Does it really matter?  Maybe... because this is where the second connection comes in.  She is the sister of a friend of my ex's.  The one I lived with for years. 

I however, forgot who she was enough to only give her the politest of smiles in return for the knowing smile she gave me.  I actually would have said "hi" if I had realized prior to sitting down.  I have no issues with her.  I kept my eyes peeled after the show to see if she was walking by... she didn't and then Cinco and I left.

So - what is today's post really about then?

It's simple.  It's about the past.  The truth is... I do not like South Jersey (besides the shore) at all.  I do not enjoy myself here and I do not enjoy going everywhere feeling like I could run into someone.  Am I scared of them?  Not usually.  But - I choose simply to keep them firmly in my memories, if at all possible.  I walked away (and they walked away) for reasons.  Varied reasons, reasons I may never know or they many never know but reasons, nonetheless.

I do not enjoy reminiscing all that much - unless it's with my girls - the ones I choose and they have chosen me.  I would rather make new memories, explore new places, people and things than continue to relive and remember all the negative crap that I have struggled to forget.  Sure, there was some laughter in there but do I dare say it?  There were so many more bad memories for me than good...it has been my own personal struggle to put it all behind me as opposed to keep living it over and over and over again.  It's bad enough when things replay themselves without my express permission.  I really don't need anyone to help "jog" my memory for me.  When the movie of negativity starts in my head, I need to just let it play out.  Usually new memories and people not tied to my past (except the select few) are the best remedy for this.  Rarely does the stuff start when I am out and about enjoying my life anymore.  This is still one of the main reasons I have wanted to move from the area.  Nearly everywhere I go, I feel the "bad vibes" of a past I do not enjoy - for many reasons.  And if I am not feeling the "bad vibes", the truth is, I am feeling a slight twinge of fear (sometimes in the back of my mind) that someone may cross my path like a black cat for the evening.

I do want to make one thing clear.  I do not ignore my past.  I have explored it and it's implications, lessons and repetitions many times but what I do not enjoy is running into it.  I do not enjoy the discomfort that it causes me.  The anxiety and the racing pulse.  I do not enjoy the sensation of being reminded about this time or that time... or this or that person.  At least not for a good chunk of it.  I don't dislike everyone who did reside there - far from it.  It's just easier for my mind to stay at rest and peace when I am not directly reminded.  Not that the movie shuts off at every moment because of it.  Sometimes the memories are so thick that I am talking to myself about it without noticing or I go into what I would refer to as a "zone".  I have been asked if I am "alright" before.  This usually breaks it because there's someone else to stimulate me - but it doesn't completely break the emotions connected to it, which is the most painful part.  All of this does tend to get better when the medication is working well.  As it is now but this is not a boundary I like to test.

Cheers to "my" girls and guys out there who don't take me back - even the ones who have seen me through.  Thank you for choking me up in a beautiful way instead of in a way that makes me ask God to not let it be so.  And here's to all of us who are finally making it to the meat of the story.