Unnatural

It started out with me walking into the room and seeing another student sitting there taking a test.  From there, it was as if my figure skate came untied during a triple axle.  I thought we were supposed to be alone in the room.  Now there was someone else for me to screw up in front of.  So - not to disappoint - that is exactly what I did.

It started out slow.  I wasn't on my game but I could at least jog my way to the finish line.  It wasn't going to be an A.  But maybe a B.  Then she asked me one question and I simply could not understand it.  I lost track of where I was.  And that's when I crossed over from nervous to full-fledged panic.  I could not recall how to ask her how to repeat it in Spanish so I blurted it out in English.  Even right after she gave me a minute or two lecture on not speaking in English and she told me how to ask me to repeat it in Spanish... out stumbled the English word "repeat".  She grew frustrated and so did I.  Maybe I could still manage a C.  Then the next question came out and I couldn't understand that one either.  I was screwed up from having screwed up and speaking in English... then having her correct me.  After that... it was just awful.  Absolutely awful.  I stopped trying to elaborate and was simply caught up on trying to understand her so I didn't have to ask her to repeat again.  By the time all nine questions were asked, I was asking her to repeat every question... I couldn't even pick up the first word of the questions anymore... let alone the third or fourth.  Yes, I had been given all 27 questions prior to the exam.  And, yes, I did go over them as well as the answers I was going to give.  I was reading them right up until I walked in to see her.  I may not have studied as hard as I could have but, honestly, if I didn't know this stuff by now... what's the point of memorizing?  Memorization of a language is not a working knowledge of it.  If I'm in a Spanish speaking country... they're mostly likely not going to ask me what time I get home from University.  They probably won't give a shit.

Not that knowing that makes up for my utter failure this morning.

She went on to lecture me at the end about how I'm a good Spanish student and how I'm sharp, etc, etc but how I wasn't prepared and that my being nervous doesn't cover the "unnatural" way I messed up.  I'm not actually sure what that means at this point.  There was nothing more natural in this circumstance than me not being able to pull it together.  It's just like someone who's a world champion flubbing up the Olympics.  It happens.  One mistake can be the downfall, the beginning of the end for anyone who's not completely on their game that day.  I barely crawled across the finish line.  My answers became shorter and shorter.  Frustration reigns supreme and I began crying as she lectured me.  I tried only to tell her I could show her in my notebook where I had gone over the questions.  The difference being, for me, that I simply could not actually understand the words when someone spoke them.  It had been this way for all 15 weeks.  Almost every time she called on me in class while speaking Spanish, I struggled to understand her. 

I certainly am not going to blame it on her in any way.