How We Can Be Cool

I am finding it quite odd - the whole last week of my existence. Something feels broken, quite a bit. Yet, something else (two somethings, actually) feels fixed. I am still worn out. I am tired. I haven't been sleeping well and I'm stressed out about the Little Boy situation. I could beat someone senseless for the way I've been feeling. Long showers were put on hold and I've been dawdling whenever I get home at the idea of walking back out the front door once I am there.

But - this is what he/she/it wants. I can't let it be the case. I have to go back to living my life again without hesitation.

That which is fixed? At least now I know I really care about myself. Sounds strange, I know but the whole struggle to want to defend myself, if necessary, made me well aware that I'm not ready to go anywhere. And - this one is not exactly a shock to me, it's just a matter of fact - I'm finding myself wanting to be at peace with everyone. Even those who have wronged me in the past. Because none of them - not one - has ever made me fear the way the last week has. Not that I'll put up with other people's crap anymore - quite the opposite, really. However, instead of waiting it out and not saying anything, I'll say something right away. The mind gets too clouded otherwise.

As for finding peace: here's how I see it - I have done wrong and I have been rejected and I've been tossed to the side and I've been a punching bag and I've been all sorts of things, not only to others but to myself - if I can forgive myself for being human, then surely I can forgive them too. Still, it's not in my realm of "human" to go around scaring someone, causing them to fear for their safety. All of us can be moody, bitchy, assholes at times. Some of us don't have control over certain aspects of ourselves - I fully believe this. I don't want to deal with everyone's crap - don't get me wrong - but what I do want to do is learn how to live and love others, regardless of their "differentiation" status. Don't think, for one minute though, that it means everyone falls into my loving arms - it just means that I want real, genuine, lasting peace in my life. You come around fucking that up at this point, I'll have no problem just not coming around. You don't make an effort toward me - I'll have no problem just not bothering. But - if we mutually want the same thing - it's cool. Faults and all, it's cool. As long as you're genuine, we cool. Get it?

This all makes me feel less broken, even when my life is feeling so clearly, remarkably out of my own control.