Solitude or Isolation?

It creeps in at the most unforeseen moments. Or, sometimes, they are foreseen. In the act of solitude one may feel the twinge of loneliness. I have recently made the active choice to not actively seek dating. I'm not looking at the moment. And I haven't been looking for quite a few moments. Yet - even though this is MY choice... I still can't help but feel it once in a while. Loneliness. Not of the friendship kind or the family kind. Not of the every minute kind or of the every hour kind or even the everyday kind. Rather, just of the creep up on me here and there kind.

It's been mostly when I'm at home. Or I'm heading home. And when I realize it's coming, I run away to do anything to avoid it. Well, almost anything... I'm still not looking. Recently, in with my spiritual director as well as my therapist, we've talked about it. I've been looking to create more "me" time. Time at home to do the things I enjoy. Writing, reading, cooking, baking... movies and TV shows on DVD. Solitude. What I didn't think of when deciding I wanted more of this was the prospect of occasional bouts of loneliness. My spiritual director pointed out the difference between isolation and solitude. Isolation means prevalent and regular, almost constant loneliness. Solitude not so much. Just the occasional pangs. The other difference between the two... isolation takes you out of the world. Solitude means you are still a part of it, just living in it alone - at times. Isolation cuts you off, solitude integrates you.

So - I'm trying to learn to deal with it. And by deal with it, I mean not to begin to lean on those things I've used as crutches in the past. Crutches which have lead me astray at times. Is it working? I don't know yet. Won't know until it happens again, in the sense that it frightens me. Time will tell.

Is solitude working? Yes. I'm chillin' a whole bunch more than I used to. Still could use a few more nights at home than what I'm taking right now but I'll figure that out. I'm on a decent path at the moment, just don't want to derail and end up lost in the woods again.