Big Girls Don't Cry

Therapy yesterday was enlightening, even if I already knew the answers to the questions posed to me. Except one question... still haven't figured that one out. When did I get the message that my feelings don't matter? That they are wrong no matter what? Everytime I feel something negative, I feel guilty later for it. Or it doesn't last long enough (happiness) for me to even enjoy it. And another question for myself... that did not come up in therapy but has since come up in my afterthoughts... why do I keep getting rejected or continue to get involved with people who just simply don't care how I feel?

Everyone gets rejected from time to time. I realize this. And we're all going to meet some shitty people from time to time. We're all going to get hurt at some point. I know I am not alone in this. However, I am really, truly becoming disillusioned with other people. And I know I don't always treat people right. Usually it ends up being because I don't want to hurt them so I let things drag on longer than they should. Whether it be as friends or as something more. Still, I usually end up taking the high road and confronting the issues head on at some point. I don't just disappear and ignore people. Because I hate when that's done to me.

For me, the bigger question is a complex one. I'm stuck in a trap of sorts. My brain being the one holding me captive. Why do I keep attracting generally shitty people into my life and when I realize they're hurting me I don't just walk away? I have several awesome people in my life, I really do. And I am thankful for them. But, I guess most of this has to do with romantic involvement. My first boyfriend decided my best friend was the person he should cheat with. And she decided it was fine with her. I did confront her as soon as I found out and she had no apologies to offer me. I never did receive an apology for that from her and now she's dead. Not that it hurts anymore... it really doesn't and I do think it's sad she passed away so young. But, that relationship (the friendship) was my one outlet during a terrible time in my life. The environment that first very intense friendship created has become a staple for me. The faces have changed over the years but the pattern has remained the same. I am currently in some very, very healthy friendships with some of the most amazing human beings I believe anyone could have the pleasure of knowing. I guess my prayers were answered afterall. During my six year prison term, I pleaded for some relief. From not only God (and once I basically offered to hand my soul over to the devil, if he would help - maybe he was just faster in responding) but also from my parents and from school officials. I was ignored at the time or made to sound like a liar when my mom was called into the school. I didn't make it up... those years were torture for me.

I don't want to be a whiner and blame everything on my parents. But, I can think of a six year period where I simply didn't matter. I mean, I was clothed and fed and they thought they were doing what was best for me. My parents always, always loved me, I don't doubt that for a minute. But, I spent so much time alone... disconnected... sad... desperate for the complete person in me to matter. In other words, my feelings. I became a freak in those years. Which led me down some strange roads when I turned 18. I made more mistakes in the past ten years than I can count but I guess it's finally time for me to start over.

But I almost don't know where to begin. I want myself to be healthy and I want to know I have the right to not be mistreated. Many of the places I have turned (except in my therapist's office, spiritual direction, and the confessionals at St. John Neumann's) in years past for someone to help me, to care about me as a whole person have been ignored. I want to know that I have a right to my feelings. Good and bad. I want to be able to bridge my logical side with my emotional side in a healthy balance. At this point, my logical side has taken over. My emotional side is completely crippled.

I want to be able to think highly enough of myself that I know eye contact with a stranger won't make them cringe. I don't want to be ignored anymore.

Looks as though I'm answering some of my questions, huh?