Ideation

Disclaimer: I am not going to kill myself.

“Suicide is not chosen; it happens
when pain exceeds
resources for coping with pain.”

But I haven't run out of resources yet so don't worry... it just sucks having thoughts about it that you can't stop. Ideation is no fun, even if you know in the deepest part of you that you won't do it. There is a strange relief in it though. I guess it's probably almost like cutting (when I did my cutting, it was different than what other people have described and it didn't last for very long).

I have people whom I think love me and I love them. Though I'm pretty numb and outright disillusioned with feelings right now (whether or not they actually exist in other people and if mine are actually real too). And some of them will read this and get worried. While it's been on my mind, it won't happen.

Fucking hate this shit. And I'm sorry to bring it up but it's what's going on right now.