The Truman Show

Ack. Waking up in the morning with the initial thought "I'm going to hell" and having the overwhelming feeling that you are a terrible person isn't how I like to enjoy my Sunday. But, that's what I got. Things didn't feel real for a while... I was just kind of floating, paying little attention to the movie around me and all of my attention to the fact that I'm horrible. At one point, while driving, I had tunnel vision and couldn't see anything but the road in front of me. All I could do was hope that cigarette went out the window. Did I toss it out? Because I didn't see it.

Reminder that I can't take care of myself, like was repeated to me all those years ago - by not just one person but two. One of them repeating it often enough that I started to believe it. One of them making sure to point out my failure during a crisis time in my life. It's not true but sometimes things run deeper than one wants to admit. I think I do believe it in some way or I'd have no problem making eye contact with strangers. There's a part of me that just exists, trying to forget certain things. And I don't want anyone I don't know seeing how worthless I really am. Pulling the blanket over his head reminded me of that.

So, my heart raced and I panicked. Thought a few times that my throat was just going to randomly close up with no warning and I'd suffocate and die at my desk. Or while driving. Thought a bit more about how I'm going to hell for all eternity and this is just the beginning. Then I remember that rain falls on the good and bad alike, which means the sun does also.

I know where the throat closing idea comes from... my brother had to be taken to the hospital for that when we were young. But, he had mono and I believe strep throat. Watching him throw up copious amounts of blood later drove the point home. He was my hero because he made me feel simply loved and taken care of. I didn't have to do anything to earn it. And he bought me candy bars. Watching your big brother almost stop breathing is scary. I was a kid and things zap your brain during development. I almost forgot about it until I asked myself this morning why I keep worrying about my throat randomly closing up. As for the going to hell stuff, I thank the "religious" period in my life, with all it's reading and reclusiveness and screaming and praying that the pain would stop but it didn't until I read that book mom and dad gave me for Christmas. And even then some of the other pain was still needing to be healed but at least I could start using the heater in my room since maybe I was worth keeping warm.

And that was my Sunday. I really want the apartment I looked at on Friday and anxiety got the best of me.