No Detours, Please

She said "If we're gonna make this workYou gotta let me inside even though it hurtsDon't hide the broken parts that I need to see"She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta beYou gotta love yourself if you can ever love me" (From Whatever It Takes by Lifehouse)

I have never worked this hard in my life. And many days I feel like I'm spinning my wheels and getting nowhere. Other days I see a smidge of progress and I feel good. And then days like yesterday, I fuck up all over the place... which, as usual, leads into getting the following morning off on the wrong foot. But... at least I feel rested.

Yesterday was a messy day... a pinnacle of what my life used to look like all the time. Luckily, I had someone there to help me get through it. Actually, I had four people. Thank God for them. Today I go to therapy... and I need it. I have discovered a huge obstacle in my life and until I attack it and get past it, I will never be the person I was born to be. (See quote again as a reference.)

I was not feeling tortured in the old way (pre-meds) but emotionally I was a disaster. Memories were popping up all over the place and seeing my own weaknesses was killing me. How did it ever get this bad? But I can't play the "what if" game. What if I had gotten medicated all those years ago? What if I had done this different, or that different? It's pointless. I will make my way through the remainder of this morning until I leave for therapy. And after that... who knows, maybe I'll make a connection in there that will help tremendously and get me past this roadblock.