Therapy Has Been My Missile

Not last night... the night before... our government shot down a dead satellite with the potential to poison people, if it had come crashing down to Earth. Good job, I say. Kudos! There was no warhead in the missile, just needed to dink the satellite, the fuel would provide all the explosive it needed. I don't know what the satellite was intended for originally but they say it had a malfunction immediately and basically became deadly space junk. This piece of metal with dangerous gas floating around inside, lurking up in the sky... waiting to fall back to us, releasing this fuel over a span of about two football fields. The problem really comes... where would it have landed? Who would this have affected if proper precaution (amazing too if you know how awesome this technology is) had not been taken?

We're all born into this world the same way this satellite was shot out into space. And then soon after our birth something goes wrong. Something always goes wrong. Mostly because we are born to parents. God love them, thank God for them, I love my parents... this is not a complaint about my parental unit. This is just an observation. Our parents are just people too. And as such, they're imperfect and not going to be perfect parents. Hence, something goes wrong.

My parents are wonderful. They've come a long way. My mom and I have grown pretty close. My dad and I have formed a full circle relationship as well. I'm grateful for the fact that I got to move home. (Not that I want to stay there forever.) But I am grateful for this second chance to cultivate a relationship with them both. And to see them as they are. As people.

Unfortunately, while my parents did a wonderful job with me, they were crazy strict with me and were not huge (mostly due to unawareness of the importance of) on building up my self confidence. I was taught to obey them (which is good) but I wasn't taught to speak my mind. I should have been taught to speak my mind, in order to become a person with convictions about the world and the way I experience it. I've been walking in a fog for a very long time. I had, until recently, gotten to a point where I looked at everyone else and thought they had it all. And couldn't understand why I didn't. I didn't have it all for many, many reasons and my parents are not to blame except in the most minute way. But we all start somewhere on our downward spiral. The only beauty to a downward spiral is when you start spiraling back up. And my parents are certainely helping me with this now. And therapy has been nothing but a positive experience.

I'm awake again... or maybe this is for the first time. Last night I saw something. I saw that beautiful girl in my class become alot less beautiful. She shot me a dirty look, a really awful kind of "I know you're sleeping with my boyfriend" kind of look. Not that I've ever actually experienced that look but I can imagine that's how it would look. And in that brief moment, I was taken a bit aback and then I brushed it off. I did not see this as a reflection on me. I did nothing to deserve such a look, I simply was myself. I joined the lab group she usually works with, as I have several times before, and this time someone else came with me. I don't know if she was pissed because her usual seat was gone or if she was pissed because she wasn't the center of attention or what it was but she gave me the look. In times past I would have been worried about it. I would have possibly obsessed but I didn't this time. I just noticed it, mentioned it once or twice and then let it go. I would have polluted other people's worlds with negativity. There was plenty of space at the table for sharing and everyone but her was doing the work. Maybe she didn't like that I didn't understand what was going on so I needed to get the answers from someone else... I have no idea what it was... sorry I didn't get it. I just know that it felt good to no longer care and to realize I was doing nothing wrong. And for the first time, it's ok if someone doesn't like me.

It's so awesome to know that one way or another, through the pain and the hard stuff and all of that... something did come along to save me so that my fuel wouldn't keep leaking out all over the place too. I can't imagine how some people go through their lives without confronting their demons. Or they wait until it's way late to finally come to terms with things. And there's no other way to say it... that sucks. Confronting ourselves is tough but it's worth it. I don't want to look back when I'm 60 years old and wonder what I did with this gift of life. And I definitley don't want to go around poisoning those around me when I could have avoided it by simply being willing to have something dink me into place.