God Never Asked Me to Make the Promise That I Did

Taking a deep breath, I start today's entry. The last couple weeks have been on the tough side and as of last night, I was trying to avoid an anxiety attack. Today, I feel lighter and the pressure in my chest and shoulders has finally begun to dissapate. My bud told me yesterday I'd start to feel normal again, just had to give it some time.

Anger is not an emotion I have very often. Irritation, sure. Actual anger and rage... not too often at all. But certain things began to hit me, and for what it's worth I had to start accepting, stop denying, and stop fooling myself into believing that it wasn't like that. Because... it was.

What am I left with? Besides a crushed sense of self and uncomfortable feelings? Alot. I'm left with the sense that I know it will get better in time. I'm left with the sense that I don't have to keep doubting myself. I'm left with a stronger sense of reality. And I'm left with a chance to forgive. And forgive I will do. Because if I don't I'll just keep eating away at my own insides.

It's not always easy to forgive certain things but I don't want to live my life angry, bitter, and not open to what I really want for myself. Health in areas of my life where there hasn't been any, possibly ever before. Memories serve me with healthy doses of "I can't believe..." but I have to believe and I have to accept the fact that I was mistreated terribly. And once I recognize it, I can start to heal from it. Recognizing it and accepting it for what it was is a huge part of this process. Eventually, I will get better.

Each day is a chance to turn it all around. And each day I can try to live my best life, to do my best, and to be my best. It's going to be work and at least now I have a full understanding of how I was spinning my wheels. Why it seems that I wasn't getting anywhere. It was time to look a little deeper, to be a little more honest, and to stop lying to myself.

I am deeply saddened by some people's lack of control or their lack of conscience but I was doing no one any good ignoring the truth. I'm facing the truth now and it's ugly. Really, really ugly. Much worse than what anyone knew. Up until this weekend they "didn't know it was so bad". But, it was.