Secondary Relationships

Still working my way through "The Seven Levels of Intimacy". And one of the things the book touched on while I was reading it last night - something that I needed to read because as of late I have been pondering this exact thing - is secondary relationships. And while we are in many of them at any given time during our life... there are only some that we should be devoting time to. One's primary relationship is their spouse, partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, fiance and the like. So, what about these secondary relationships? How on Earth are we supposed to devote time to them as well? Plus, the relationship with ourselves that we must also nurture.

As the book states, we only have limited time. Those things that are our priority become clear by our actions. The people whom we want to develop these relationships with become clear over time. In some ways, it is only natural.

The problem I find myself having... I keep spending time on people with whom I have no interest in really developing things any further. If I have to drink to stand them... that's a bit of a problem. I mean, I do like to drink so every time I am drinking does not mean I can't stand to be around the people I am with but there are a few that this is the case. I have found myself feeling pangs of terror at having to spend hours with certain folks without a drink. Only certain people, only specific people. I am thinking that it is time for me to let these people go.

I only have so much time, after all, to work on developing the relationships that I enjoy being around, drinks or no. I have a hard time with this though. A very hard time. I am concerned about hurting people. I am concerned about people feeling rejected. In my mind it is not so much a full-on rejection (ok, maybe it is... but not in my mind - exactly) but rather a conclusion. We do not have much in common... we do not laugh together all that much... conversation is dry... why would we keep trying? On both ends. Group situations, parties and the like... no problem, we can hang still. I just don't want to do another dinner in close to silence with nothing much to delve into.

I feel awful even admitting it but the truth is I have to ask myself a question here. What kind of friend am I being to these folks if I feel terror at the idea of a conversation with them? What kind of friend am I being if I end up complaining behind their backs? There are only a couple of these folks left in my life at this point. I stopped going to meetups for this reason... because I found myself angry and complaining more often than I was having fun.

Several years ago I met one girl at a meetup. We had a great time the first time we hung out. And then the second time. The third time, not so much. I was feeling dry and cranky that day so I wasn't very much fun. I do not remember if this was before or after getting medicated. We had a lot of fun but she eventually dropped me. She simply stopped returning my texts or emails. I let it go. It was a little hurtful but nothing that stopped me in my tracks. In many ways, hanging out with her was like going on dates with someone. It goes this way with most new relationships or I guess all relationships (except familial) at some point. You spend time together... and sometimes it works... for a while. Sometimes the "while" is simply due to circumstances and that is just the way it is. And other times, it doesn't work at all - you both know it and it's an easy out. Other times, you just decide after a certain amount of time that the two of you are looking for different things in life... you enjoy different things and you think different ways. Sometimes this is something that can be reconciled because both parties really just like each other in so many other ways... sometimes it cannot be reconciled no matter how you try to approach it. Sometimes two personalities collide and it's healthier for either one or both sides to head in two different directions.

If we are not able to help them be "the-best-version-of-themselves" then what is the point? The book is right... it may not be in every aspect but in my mind, as long as we can laugh and chat and simply enjoy each other's company then you are someone I'd like to keep hanging out with. And I hope you feel the same. But - if you do not, that is ok. It just means we are two different people and while our paths combined briefly, there is no need to force ourselves to stay the course - especially not when we see our dream over there - in the distance - on the path originally designated to us. In time, the more time we spend together, sharing things together and living our lives together (even if for only a few hours at a time here and there) our relationship will be exactly what it is meant to be - for both of us. We will either let it help us develop ourselves or we will let it do nothing (or worse). Then, maybe things will change and we will drift but that is ok too.

I say this calmly now but I can think of a few folks that if they drifted away... it would truly break my heart.