Version Creating

Recently, I recall, though I don't know where exactly, there was a line that keeps going through my head. A mistake I made, I believe, as of late and THE main reason why I have recently been back down in the dumps, as it were.

I tried to do too much at one time.

I think.

Or, I became obsessed with doing too much at one time. I tried to get my diet, exercise, smoking, drinking and all else I could think of in order all at once. Meanwhile, I was still going out too much, staying up too late (on the weekends in particular), I was trying to fix up my wardrobe and get my money in impeccable order. I was also trying to figure out the next turn in my path career-wise. Instead, I found myself depressed with a messy apartment, all of my weight back on, I'm feeling the necessary pennies pinch, cigarettes are still staining my teeth and I'm back to wearing plain ol' baggy, comfy clothes every day instead of cute and comfy.

I'm not thrilled with the way things have gone at the moment. And while all of these things still need work and they still need improvement, I am going to refuse to pressure myself to be any one way in particular. Yes... I want to be thin again, I hate the chunk I've gained in the last few years. Hate it, hate it, hate it. Yes... I want to be able to see my muscles through my skin... not bulk but tone. Yes... I want to to quit smoking for good - for every reason under the sun. Yes... I want to stick with drinking less than what I had been in the last few weeks. When everything else goes haywire, so does my booze intake - thus creating a circular pattern that becomes very difficult to break. I want to be home more... which means cleaning, relaxing, reading and writing more - as well as spending less money. Yes - I want to dress better. I am truly frustrated with my wardrobe at the moment. None of it is comfortable to me because very little of it looks good on me because of the bulge I have going on underneath it. And I can't exactly afford to go out and get a whole new wardrobe all at once. Money - well - money is as money does. Right now I have little, eventually that will change. But - on the sorta kinda plus side - I have very little money to go out to eat with or to drink with so... there will just simply be less of that which means less fat, calories and carbs overall.

The book I'm currently reading... the Seven Levels of Intimacy... keeps repeating one phrase... "the-best-version-of-yourself". I like this term. It sort of takes the pressure off somehow. How do you become this? With every little choice you make... each and every day. Instead of trying to overhaul and revamp myself completely (because most of us average folk don't have the resources to completely revamp anything all at once) I'm just going to take it one decision at a time... one day at a time. For all of it.

Repeating that little catch-phrase to myself is helping and I have covered my one bedroom wall with those things that are important to me so I can look up and reflect on them each day. I'll get there, you'll get there, we'll get there... it's just going to be a little at a time, not all in fell swoop, it seems. Frustrating as that can be... I would rather be the all-around best version of myself as opposed to just kind of nifty here or there.