Chocolate Ice Cream

Suddenly I see
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see
Why the hell it means so much to me
- KT Tunstall, Suddenly I See


Let's talk about my single status, shall we? No? No takers? Well, I'm going to do it anyway.

I went to my nephew's birthday party yesterday. Drove an hour and a half to get there, not feeling exactly right the entire day but still willing to throw some extra love my family's way. On the way there I had the crystal clear thought: this is where I belong. I'm not sure if I was trying to convince myself or if it's the truth but I had the thought. I think it's a little bit of both, to be completely honest. That is, until I walked in and hung around for a bit. Hanging out with multiple married with kids couples can leave a single gal wondering quite a bit about herself. And when all is said and done, having been the only single person in a house full of people (kids under 8 don't count in this examination), I realized how pathetic and sad I was actually feeling. I screamed once on my way home and gave myself a sore throat with the effort.

So... why was I feeling pathetic and sad? Because I don't have my shit together quite yet and I certainly don't see myself getting married anytime soon. And, yes, for me - I won't be having kids until that other step has happened. I mean, oopses happen but I'm going to try and avoid them best I can.

I'm overweight at the moment, my apartment needs a good overhaul into one I can be truly proud of, I've done little of what I've wanted in life, my money's in the messy stage for the time being, and I'm a medicated bipolar who developed a drinking issue prior to the medication that didn't exactly stop because of the medication. Lots of bad memories to bury. I have a mental illness and according to articles, I can still live a "satisfying" life even though that's the case. I guess I should feel privileged to be able to have my own apartment. Sometimes I feel like this is the best I can hope for, anything more is just asking too much. And I'm back in therapy once a week to try and figure out why I'm not exactly progressing in the self esteem area. Hmm... maybe the above list would be enough to knock most people down. So...these are the things I need to fix before I can get too serious about anyone, at least in my mind's eye. And I'm working on it but I've still got a long way to go. And I have plenty more quiet weekends ahead of me before I'm there.

Let's retrace my steps and figure out how I got here.

Well, I have bipolar disorder through genetics so we have to keep in mind that I didn't "get here" with that one... it just is what it is. But, how about the rest of it?

I was in an eight year very similar to marriage relationship (for all intensive purposes, it was a marriage) that fell apart. The reasons are long and varied but suffice it to say it was an unhealthy bit of living on both parts. That relationship started when I was 18, about to turn 19. I did not finish school, I tried repeatedly but I wasn't able to. Again, the reasons are long and varied. Keep in mind, I have bipolar disorder floating free during each of these things... though other factors also exist. I want to finish school now but my work schedule has certainly prevented me from being able to. That will be getting fixed in the fall. One way or another. So... I'm trying. I've had other setbacks, my Megs and the coming to terms with my mental state. Having to move back out on my own when I thought I had moved for the last time once before so I had no money set aside. And truthfully, I've only been completely single for a short time out of my overall adult existence. Still... I'm human and I'm single and I was surrounded by a whole bunch of young families and two grandparents last night.

I'm allowed to feel sad about it. And I'm allowed to be scared that my disorder is preventing me from meeting the "right" guy. Someone that I actually want to be with for the long haul, not just someone I'm settling for or who's willing to "put up" with me. I don't have to try and talk myself out of these feelings, they just are what they are. I don't have to become ok with it and resign myself to the fact that I may be alone forever. When I hit 50 and I'm still in the same boat... then I'll consider resigning myself to this fact. I had alot to work through in the last few years. And now I'm stuck cleaning up my own mess. Not that anyone else should be responsible for it in any way, shape, or form. There is a definite mess left behind, one that requires diligence and patience for me to pick up. Still... at times... I will feel alone and sad at the state of my life and this is ok, as long as it doesn't last into the following morning. And as long as it doesn't lead me back to a bottle for all the wrong reasons.

Last night I coped by yelling once in the car (mostly at God, luckily I've been told He can take it), driving home... pity partying until I heard the song above, pouting just a smidge more, sitting down, having a bowl of fat free chocolate ice cream, enjoying another episode of Lost, reading a bit more of the Celestine Prophecy, and going to bed on time so I could get up on time for a 16 hour shift today. Maybe my mood wasn't great while doing all this but coping doesn't get much healthier. Trust me, as someone who knows good coping from bad... I'm allowed to have my feelings but I can't beat myself up or tell myself I shouldn't feel that way. Because, if nothing else... at least my story isn't boring. Which is what really means the most to me. I've lived a helluva life so far and I'll continue to do so. Better, in fact... more of what I want is coming down the road. And, yes, that probably means one day I'll have the type of relationship that will fit me... even if I occasionally don't want to keep waiting for it. And I won't let any of what I've dealt with be the thing that makes me give up.

In my situation, there are lots of people who already would have. This is something I already know for sure. What I want is beyond "satisfying" and I refuse to stop fighting for it. But, sometimes with the fight comes a bruise or two, all of which will heal in time.

And Breyer's makes a really good fat free ice cream.