After 8 Weeks

In an embarrassing moment at the front gate, I pulled in while feeling something snap inside me.  I went into a cloud for a few minutes that left the guard unsure of what to make of me - at least for the moment that I saw him.  My movement to show him my badge was irregularly slow and for a moment I was looking right through him, barely seeing him.  I couldn't make out what I was doing let alone who he was - a complete sensation of disassociation.  The strangest part of that feeling is the inability to think.  You know something is happening but you are unable to place it - or even think far enough into it to say "something's happening".  For just a couple minutes I remained in that fog and I could barely move.  I am not talking a dramatic swing of events where I was just seemingly exhausted - I simply couldn't move correctly.  Though for a few minutes after I came back to myself, I was completely exhausted - took at least another 15 for me to fully recover.  And I am ready for a good night's sleep tonight.  For a split second I thought that was it - a brain hemorrhage and the end of Gem was near.  But - no - not the case.  I was simply coming out of a depression that has been building for weeks.

At work I have been snapping left and right.  I have been a miserable B-I-T-C-H.  While some of my anger is very well justified, some of it is not.  Some of it is deserved and some of it is not.  I have been a mess at home as well.  Unable to catch up to where I need to be.

Knowing that I was in a completely mixed state (as I have been for a good chunk of the last several weeks), I looked up my disorder and it's symptoms for the first time in a really long time.  And here is what I have been reminded of: (from helpguide.org) - my comments are in bold:

Self-help for bipolar disorder


While dealing with bipolar disorder isn’t always easy, it doesn’t have to run your life. But in order to successfully manage bipolar disorder, you have to make smart choices. Your lifestyle and daily habits have a significant impact on your moods. Read on for ways to help yourself:

Get educated. Learn as much as you can about bipolar disorder. The more you know, the better you’ll be at assisting your own recovery. - no problem, been there, doing that 

Keep stress in check. Avoid high-stress situations, maintain a healthy work-life balance, and try relaxation techniques such as meditation, yoga, or deep breathing. - this I have not been doing at all, I'm working alot, trying to keep up with school, feeling the pressure of needing to start looking seriously for new job and coming upon a very bumpy road at work itself, the issues are daily and they keep getting more and more intense, changes, changes, changes

Seek support. It’s important to have people you can turn to for help and encouragement. Try joining a support group or talking to a trusted friend.  - I have a hard time with this and I haven't been able to see my therapist for quite a while, mostly because I was trying to avoid mixing up my schedule at work anymore than it already is, I do not like talking to my friends and family about it very often because it's embarrassing, it shouldn't be but it is,  maybe it's all in my head but I feel as though most people would rather I just not mention it. I can only control it so much and I am scared that people are going to get so sick and tired of hearing about it that I just don't mention it very often anymore - also - sometimes it doesn't occur to me what is really going on until I'm well into a messy place. 

Make healthy choices. Healthy sleeping, eating, and exercising habits can help stabilize your moods. Keeping a regular sleep schedule is particularly important. - nope, nope, nope been failing miserably at this.  The sleep has been a problem for a while - partially because my work schedule has been so erratic and partially because I just haven't been taking my medication at the same general time.  I can comfortably make a small variation once - maybe twice a week, if I can get a little extra sleep the next day.  And once my sleep is off consistently enough, everything else is too - it may not show at first but the trickle begins and leads to a waterfall before I know it.  Eating - all I have been eating is a whole bunch of not so good for me stuff.  Very few veggies and very few fruits.  Now that I will be returning to a consist first shift schedule this week, this should be easier to change - along with getting back to daily exercise.  Oh man, I cannot wait to start taking walks outside.

Monitor your moods. Keep track of your symptoms and watch for signs that your moods are swinging out of control so you can stop the problem before it starts.  - maybe I should actually consider starting to do this, I never have kept a mood journal.

I will tell you the worst part of having episodes (even if they're not full-on mania)... what have I said... what have I done that I have to swallow and just move on... without feeling embarrassment.  While not every moment of the last few weeks has been completely off, I know I've behaved in some ways I am not proud of.  Obsessing again, fixating on certain issues that I would normally let slide off my back.  Amazing part is that when I take my meds at a decent hour for falling asleep and I wake up at a decent hour... I usually start feeling better within 24.  Which is what happened to me today.  Sad part about the past two months is how inconsistent my nights and days have been.  I might have started to feel better, just to fall back into the trap again.  I even almost forgot to take my meds a few times last week.  Which was about the first time I had to ask myself what was wrong with me.  I take them religiously - how I started to forget about them, I have no idea.