I Spy

As I sat here finishing up the best short story I have read in quite some time ("World Enough And Time" by Linda McCullough Moore from The Sun, March 2011 issue)... good enough to bring me to tears... I am amazed at the clarity of mind that I have.  The past week or so has seen me pitch a fit internally.  Which leaves me wondering what is going on with me.  Is it my medication or could it be something that I have long overlooked?  Nothing too serious, mind you, but a noticeable difference that has faded away as of today.  The fatigue I have been feeling for the past several days has been wearing on me.  Exhaustion.  Just plain exhaustion.  I left my doctor a voicemail and have something to bring up to her when she calls me back on Tuesday.  She's off for the Easter holiday.  Possible medication change, possible new diagnosis... at least as I have read about it.  For the past several months I've begun to notice a definite pattern with my lady functions as well as the state of my mind.  I'll leave it up to the doctor to decide but from the reading I have done I fit the bill for PMDD.  Which would explain alot though I'm not sure what can really be done besides being more careful about my diet and exercise.  Taking anti-depressants with bipolar disorder can be very dangerous.  But, again, I will leave this up to my doctor.

A week ago - I was in NYC, having the time of my life.  And while my mind has not been perfectly clear over this past week, I have also not been officially depressed - just really freaking tired and bouts of extremely muddy thinking, short attention span, feeling completely out of control - the whole nine.  Still - in what I experienced last week I found a piece of hope that had not been there before.  A piece of me that is resigned to being alright with the state of things.  A part of me who's not as interested in going out quite as much has suddenly begun to poke through.  Not because I have lost interest in it precisely, just because I am somehow seeing things a bit differently.  I want to save my money, I want to experience things as I enjoy them.  I want to have better days (like last Saturday) instead of nights that leave me feeling cloudy for the next several days.  I want to be able to afford to travel as I have always dreamed.  And somehow, in experiencing myself so entirely last week, I see it is possible.  I just have to pick my priorities and stick to them in order to get what I want out of life.  It's time for me to really hit "go".

Last week, while in the Playwright, I spotted something that appeared to me so unbelievably perfect, I could barely believe I had never dreamt of it before.  As I came up from the bathroom, there sat a couple in the corner.  Both with a beer in front of them, sitting next to one another with little space between - enjoying each other's company so clearly while all the while keeping their respective noses lodged into their respective books.  I couldn't have asked for better timing on spotting them - and I wonder still how exactly they found each other.  This may not sound like the best thing ever to some people but to me, this appeared fantastic.  To be so comfortable with someone as to be able to comfortably sit in silence, in two worlds at once - the couple world as well as the individual world and just relax.  To have no need to be talking in order to entertain or find assurance that all is ok but merely to enjoy the simplicity of the other's mind as it whittles away at an experience all one's own.  I decided, at that moment, THAT is what I am looking for.  Not that I want silence at all times, there are times for talking - without a doubt.  And there are times for walking and laughing and joking.  But there should also comfortably be those quiet times as well. 

"Hey, hon... wanna go down to the bar and read?" 

"Sure, babe, sounds good.  We could grab lunch while we're there."

"Alright.  What are you reading right now anyway?"

And so it ensues.  The conversation that takes place on the way before settling into a comfortable seat in the back.  Just to mix it up a little, just to get off the couch. 

But - who knows - maybe they were reading to avoid one another.  Maybe they had a fight the night before that wasn't entirely worked out yet (nor will it ever REALLY be).  And maybe this is how they were cooling off.

I doubt it, though.  I very seriously and completely doubt it.  If for no other reason than the fact that they were holding my dreams in their hands.  Funny how once you see what you want in life and you discover it somehow, you begin to see things just a little differently.  You begin to see what it really can be, it can be exactly as you ask for it - all the while very different from what you first began.