What Others Don't See

In my life, at times, I have struggled with my faith.  In this struggle I have wrestled with my own angel of Jacob.  I have tried to force it.  (I do believe.  I do believe.  I DO BELIEVE.  Sigh... I still don't truly believe.)  I have also given up on it.  (I'll come around when You come around.  Crap.  We're both still here.)  I have begged and pleaded and screamed and cried.  (Come on, show me You're real.  Show me You care.  SHOW ME!!!!)  And, inevitably, after getting past the exclamation points I begin to see the blessings - whether they are an obvious answer to prayer or not.

Ultimately, through all my attempts I have more often than not ended up on my face, lying in a mud puddle made up of my own dirt and tears.  In this mud, which slowly drips down my face as I pick myself back up, I usually end up finding something.  Two somethings to be exact.  One - my mistakes.  Two - the answer to my prayers.  Sometimes they are at first hidden in the dirt, just like an earthworm - doing their duty and living their own important lives, whether we notice or not.

Lately, however, I have discovered my faith in one area (yes, after some prayer but not so many tears); within the realm of dating and my love life.  (Now if I could just find it in the realm of my job - I would be set.)

What others around my age appear to fear in this realm, I rarely do: ending up alone, no kids, no husband or wife, no future generations carrying on one's DNA.  The fact that this may or may not happen simply does not panic me.  And why not -  especially when it often seems to panic those around me?  In my heart of hearts I know - somehow - that I am not going to "miss out" on whatever is meant to be mine.

I have faith in the fact that if it doesn't work out - that's ok.  I have faith in the fact that it is not sad to have it not work out.  (Not that it never feels sad... it does... emotions are only human.)  I have faith that there is someone out there who is "right" for me - I will meet him eventually and he will meet me, when we are supposed to.  Apparently - right now - we're busy doing other things.  (Unless I end up falling head over heels for Numero Cuatro, of course.)  I have faith that this opportunity will not pass me by.  I have faith that I will know it when it crosses my path - and he will know it too.  I have faith that the dreams I have finally cultivated will not be put aside because his will be more important - they will be equal.  (And most likely pointing in similar direction.)  I have faith that I am meant to fall in love (again - maybe a few more times) - all I have to do is wait.  I have faith not only in the bigger picture but I will feel "it" again; that thing I have felt before - something like flying, something like floating, something like knowing all is right with the world and everyone will be OK.  Like a heroin high (or so I have been told), you simply cannot go back to mediocre, if you're going to play around with drugs at all.

Does my faith ever waver?  Sure... once in a while (particularly on Thanksgiving and Christmas) but it doesn't usually last for long.  As long as I am out there giving it a try... then I am doing all I have to do to "make it happen".  There are many things in life that cannot be forced.

Yet, it is in my faith that I often end up feeling a sense of frustration.  Not with myself but rather with some of those around me.  When I hear someone feel disappointed for me - or in me - I get a sickening feeling in my stomach.  When I see the "aww... poor you" look in someone's eyes I get agitated.  When I hear "I really want you to meet somebody," I hear "because I know you're terribly lonely," silently follow it up.  While I recognize that I am sometimes taking too much to heart and that most of these folks are coming from a good place, wishing for my happiness - what I wish they would realize is that while I every once in a while have moments of loneliness, I am not overall LONELY nor am I unhappy (ok - maybe when I am at work, just a little bit).  The truth of the matter is, I AM happy.  While I am waiting for my plane, I am not sitting cranky on the concourse... I am in the bar having a well deserved beer and loving it.

That is what faith does for me, after all; it reminds me that I am still young and free.  It reminds me that I would rather be single and happy than married and unhappy.  I would rather wake up alone than next to someone I secretly despise for not being the person I wasn't willing to wait for.  I would rather not have children than raise them with someone who does not share my values, ideals, worldview - and my life.  I would rather have the right to explore than feel like a caged animal just because I didn't have the courage to say "I don't". 

Faith brings me through my occasional fears and delivers me home again.  In my mind, in my heart and in God.  To have continued on with ANY of the relationships that have passed me by would have been the opposite of faith - it would have been from a place of darkness - a place that I have, in fact, been before.

Maybe sometimes I should feel a more acute sense of disappointment when dates go bad or just plain fizzle out.  But - I rarely do.  Even when it was or is - something I thought I wanted.  If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out.  At least I know that if and when it is meant to - it simply will.

And, that, my friends, is faith.  The substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. (Heb 11:1)