End of the End

I hate this part right here... I hate this part right here...

(I Hate This Part - Pussycat Dolls)


I came into work yesterday for one of my precious sixteen hour shifts. I walked in, I sat down, logged in, and brought up my email. Just a mere half hour before I placed my butt down for the day I had received a very important and very touching email.

It was from the ex-boyfriend. The most important ex-love of my life, the person who inadvertently changed me from a mess to who I am now, which is quite a bit less of a mess. QUITE A BIT. It wasn't being with him that changed me the most, though that did too... it has been being without. I'm a stronger person, a medicated person, and a bunch of other things person now. All things that I either wasn't at all before or it was lurking beneath the surface, not quite ready to show up yet. Growing occurs most, usually, during times of pain. Losing him was the single most traumatic experience of my life. The single most painful. There were many reasons why and some of them did relate to my illness but not all. Not nearly all.

I guess some would call the email I received yesterday "closure" and I guess they'd be right. He complimented me and tried to guide me. Tried to give me his viewpoint on a few things, including but not limited to the cutest boy ever. I will keep the email, printed out, in a box. One of the many I call "memory boxes". Because the email was not bad but it was necessary. It's been time to say goodbye for some time. Though I didn't do it... not sure why that's the thing I've found myself procrastinating on. I don't procrastinate all that often anymore. It's most likely because it does hurt to close a door sometimes. And Lord knows how much I'd rather not take a chance of hurting someone, anyone. Even if the closing is just the tiny push that closes the door completely. And the grieving may go on for a bit though it won't be dramatic, just mostly silent, I think. I do love him, it's just not a romantic love nor even a friendship love. But, it is still agape.

There's something new happening in my life, beneath the surface. I don't know what it is but there's something going on. It might just be me, it might just be something else. Time will tell.