Dehumanization

Dehumanize - transitive verb - to deprive of human qualities, personality, or spirit
(from Marriam-Webster.com)

I never in a million years would have thought I'd do it. Or that I'd want to. Well, I don't exactly want to but I need to. And I sort of want to. But, I think what scares me about getting his phone number blocked is merely the fact that it means I've given up all hope. Hope that he'd treat me like a person. An actual real person with thoughts and feelings and some sort of value.

Dehumanize is a transitive verb... which means it is done to someone, inflicted on someone or something. In this case... that someone is me. And the worst part... he's not the only one. Far from it. Dehumanization is a cancer in our emotional/mental lives. Once you allow it, as I have, it gets worse and worse. The original starting place for me was in high school. The three years of grounding. Then after high school I found myself in plenty of situations where I was denied love and respect. Not just love and respect, really. I was denied compassion or acknowledgment of having feelings, of being completely real. I am sure my disorder did play a part into this to a degree. But, I don't believe that's why it has continued to this day. It has continued to this day because it's so ingrained in me. My lack of value is so apparent that certain people in my life pick up on it and use it for themselves. The uses have been varied and the gratification much - in several different ways.

How did I end up so broken? Not unfixable... but really, really broken. How did I end up thinking about taking a handful of my pills last night instead of just my regular dosage? How does one simple text, asking me to degrade myself AGAIN, lead me there? How is this what I allow? Or how is it that I, for even a moment, figure that is the right solution? I'm scared it's never going to stop. I'm scared that there's always going to be that someone who wants to use me so drastically and they will always be there. That's the only reason I think that way. But, I am the one who has to make it stop. At least as best as I can. I have to remember, too, all of the people in my life. The apartment full of folks I had over when the text came in. They actually want to spend time with me and they are not looking for anything except friendship and caring. Same as me.

I'm so worn out, people. And as of right now, his number has been blocked from my phone. Anyone who makes me feel that badly, that is so willing to help me reinforce this brokeness should simply be no part of my life whatsoever.