The Walls of Jericho

It was a Jewish adage in which a father was teaching his little son to be less afraid, to have more courage. "Jump!" he said, "and I'll catch you." And the little boy trusted him, and the little boy jumped. And when his father caught him, he felt filled with love. And when he didn't, he was filled with something else, something more...Life.

-Then She Found Me

Imagine everything is rolling along. Your usual days... something annoying here, something funny there, something boring underneath and something wonderful up above. It's just your usual nine to five workday; it's your usual Monday to Friday week. The seasons are changing as they do more months than not and the year is a non-descript one. Not the worst, not the best, it just is.

You're cruising along, hoping for the really good stuff but content with what you've got. You make changes and decisions and you learn how to live a little better - for you. You finally feel good about how you know yourself and how you relate to the world in general, even though you are still quite aware there is so much left to learn. Some of it scares you but you're not there yet so why get into a panic about what could be? You're doing alright.

Then - you hit a brick wall. You literally have to stop in your tracks and look up, look around, figure out what's going on. Why do you feel so lost? Why is the refrigerator empty and why hasn't your hair been getting washed at it's healthiest frequency? Why aren't you exercising? Why aren't you able to reason out what should have rolled right off your back? Why aren't you able to see a way around this wall? Why does this wall look more formidable than the walls of Jericho? No matter how loud you yell, nothing's shaking, nothing's falling, nothing's coming down.

Is this it? Is it going to get better? Is this who I really am? Why am I this way? Why does everything hurt so much? Why am I obsessing? When did I start obsessing? Why can't I stop obsessing? Am I driving everyone off? It's best if I keep to myself but I need people right now. Where's God? Why'd He allow any of us to be made this way? Maybe if I ask for help... I'll be lucky enough to get back to my non-descript year, my basic workweek. Maybe the knots will disappear from my stomach for a while, maybe for good... I'd be happy with a while. Why have I always attracted so many hurts to myself? Is it because of this fucking wall? The one that's liable to show up whenever the temperature drops a bit? Or because my hormones are a bit on the intense side? Do they see this wall? Do I bring the wall with me? How can I leave it behind when there's no hope that it will go away for good - in this life? Why am I lashing out like an animal in a corner?

Can someone love me regardless?

I don't want pity but I ask for understanding. I'll be back around once the wall starts to crumble. And I'll be back around for quite a while before the wall builds back up again. My knowledge, my esteem, my confidence will be back too. Though sometimes the wall has a mirror finish so looking at all you are and all you've done is unavoidable unless you go backwards. Being reminded is haunting.

I refuse to go backwards.

Two roads diverged in the woods, one less traveled by is the one I have chosen and the one given to me. I had no chance on the other one but this is a fact I'm ok with, once the wall gives way to some light.

The only thing that concerns me still - am I too much to take? I have no choice but to embrace the embarrassment, the uncertainty, the lack of knowing when, if, or how it might affect me again. Who I might scare off - and who might just let it be.

There are no concrete lessons hiding in the bricks, even once they've crumbled, you've just got to hop over the foundation and try to pick up where you last left off.