A Different Type of Patience

I've been going through changes. Changes that may not be seen to the naked eye quite yet (I still look the same) but I'm feeling them. Big time.

I've been more withdrawn than I used to be but not in a miserable "I am cranky" kind of way. Rather, in a "I just want to take care of myself" kind of way. I've been trying to keep my mouth shut about things though it appears that sometimes I get myself in trouble by not telling people what I've been thinking. Sometimes not saying something can cause a tense situation to take shape. Oh well. You live and you learn. I don't always want to invite everyone to everything it appears. I only want to spend time with the people I really like.

Honestly, it's not intended to be snobbery. It's just intended to be me giving myself some room to figure out how I want my life to be... just for me. It's me wanting to take care of myself in a way I never have before. There's no one else to do it, after all. I see how my friends look as I sit with them at dinner and I know I look different. They look really nice, I look not so nice. They look like women who know how to make themselves look good, they look like women who care about their presentation. They look like women who take the time. Part of this problem is my lack of weight loss thus far. The other is my clothing. I don't have that many nice pieces at this point, I want to go out and get them but I want to lose some weight first. I don't want to have ten outfits that are too big in a month or two. Meanwhile, I have to wear jeans everywhere and tops that I'm less than confident in.

December 11... I will get to finally get over a rather large hump. The kind of hump that's been holding me back. Credit card debt. Waiting for this... on top of the weight loss... is a biggie. Once this is in order, I can get my budget in better order. Then I can get my wardrobe in order. I know, I know, I know... that I'm not supposed to be looking at life like "I'll be happy when..." but the fact of the matter is, I'm simply looking forward to a time when things are a bit more evened out. I'm looking forward to being a girl again - clothes, makeup, etc. Right now I just don't feel it, I don't feel the use of any of it since concrete changes are right around the bend. Not that I'm depressed... I'm really not. I'm just trying to be patient in a way that I've never had to be before.