My Heartbeat

What a strange trip this life thing is.

Pain abounds. But eventually you break through to the other side. I am sad about Meg. And I am sad about Alex. The pain really cuts into me when I think about having to take her for a walk. And then realizing she's no longer there to take out front.

But, I am holding up well. And I am giving myself space to do this grief thing. It's ok to react. It's just fine. And I have a strange peace. I have never been more myself in my life. Just too tired to try and be anything. I am just me. Making the choice with Meg was tough. Alex - there was no choice. Nothing could have been done to avoid it. Nothing that I nor anyone could do. It was meant to be. In an odd, horrible, beautiful world. This one.

Guilt takes over at times. But, she was suffering.

The hurt is real but it's not going to kill me. And I'm only taking baby steps right now. Can't handle much more than that. But, that's ok too. I can only allow myself to do what I can and want to do. For real. I have sacrificed myself in many ways. Not in the healthiest ways, either. For the first time in my life, I exist for me. Without added pressure from any direction. It feels weird. Very, very strange. Meg was sick for a long time and I was frustrated before she passed. She never stopped being my heartbeat but I was tired. And she was tired. Her soul needed to be free, just as mine does.

I do wish there could be some explanation to why Alex had to go too. My heart breaks for my ex's aching heart. I loved Alex but I had grown used to not having him in my life. I still believe he wanted to simply be with Meg. Just wish he could have waited a little while at least. But, he couldn't. Everything happens for a reason and secretly, deep down inside the reason even for this... I think I know what it is. But, I will not speak it because I may be wrong. Only time will tell. And until then, I will continue to miss them both.