On the Eve of Turning Thirty

In just a few hours I'll cross the threshold into a new decade. The 30's. I thought maybe I'd be upset as most of my friends have been but I'm not. I'm humbled and I'm grateful and I'm thrilled to have made it through my 20's. Those who know me very well know that I came way too close many a time to not making it this far. But, I have. To me, it represents something that it does not seem to with others. Or maybe they just don't recognize it. Or maybe they just don't see it the same way I do. To me, it is something to look forward to, something to be proud of. In the back of my mind, in places where anxiety creeps in due to depressing and dark thoughts, part of me never truly believed I'd ever be this age. Not in the denial type of way but, rather, in the things are just bad kind of way. Being thirty (or about to be at this very moment) represents to me a survivor's truth. I have pushed through alot even if, at times, I barely pushed through. I have reached out for help when I needed it. Not out of weakness but, in my eyes, out of a strength I didn't know I had. Three years later, it's alive and well and I can look around and say that I know myself better than many, not as well as some. Sometimes I wonder, if you can even know yourself if you don't face the darkest truths about yourself instead of always laying blame on the rest of the world. Yes, bad things have come to me but I've also walked away from them. Damaged at the time but scars that are healing. Some things take longer than a year or two to overcome.

I'm sounding awful dramatic this evening but the truth is, that's not what's intended. I guess I'm just trying to get out of me the things that make me grateful to have gotten here. I may not have my degree yet, I may not be married with kids but I have lived. Quite a bit. I'm hoping my thirties will bring for me happy living instead of oppressed living. And I'm sure, I'm positive that they will.

I made it. And that's about all I can say.