Without Being Overt

I spent yesterday on the couch. Didn't move much except to get some food and to go rent Doubt. I don't recover quickly at all anymore. Shrug. It's probably best this way. Keeps me from going overboard more often than not. I had a very important phone call to make, which I did but it didn't lead where I thought it might. Which is probably good because my brain was definitely working at a much slower pace than I would have planned.

Went to a kickass concert on Saturday night. Loved me some Tori. She is honestly so beautiful, it's remarkable. When she sings "I am an M-I-L-F, don't you forget," it's truth. It's not the fact that she is so clearly in great shape as much as it is that she radiates a kind of raw sexuality without being overt. It's part of her whole being as a performer. Her piano and her voice are beautiful and without a doubt she is talented beyond belief. At least in my opinion.

What really struck me this time around, though I'm not exactly sure why it struck me so hard during this performance in particular was her sexuality. How she is so not afraid to express it. Even with her dad in the audience. I'm afraid to express mine in general most of the time anymore let alone with my dad around. The thing is, you can't copy that. You can be inspired by it but you can't copy it. Your sexuality is yours. And it's made up with it's own nooks and crankies, for each person individually. Again, this comes down to confidence. And getting my body back in shape. I don't want to be as I used to be with it... overt and kind of oversexed. (Hey - mania has many faces.) But, I would like to definitely begin showing it with confidence. Guess I still just have to keep working on it. Hopefully, as I turn 30 at the end of this week, I can learn to finally embrace it the way it's supposed to be embraced. Whatever that means. I can almost feel how it should be in a way I can't describe but I have yet to get there.

For a few days in the beginning of July I was definitely expressing it the way only I can. I remember biff asking me why I'm looking all sexy lately. That comment felt good. Just wish I had the energy to put into making myself feel that way every day. It was nice while it lasted. Maybe if I get back on a regular schedule, it'll be one of those things that falls into place.