Besides 21 Grams

I'm good at several things. And I'm currently feeling very grateful for those things and for the people in my life who matter most. Who are the people who matter most? The ones who show me respect and also who love me even when I choose to disappear.

I am feeling pretty burnt out. I spent the day watching movies and monitoring backups at work. The resounding message I got from all the movies I watched (except one that just wasn't so good) was being thankful for what's in front of you. Instead of always looking elsewhere. To be proud of who you are even if you're not perfect and to love those who love you, forget the rest.

The other strange thing that I couldn't help but notice was the amount of Jewish characters. Nearly all of them were Jewish. But, almost none of them were stereotypical. Just like the Jewish boy who broke my heart. And why did he break my heart? Because he chose to not be the amazing person I know is there. At least not around me. My heart is broken right now, not because he wouldn't be with me on a daily basis but rather because he simply chose to not be anywhere near the man he could be. And because of this choice, he has treated me badly.

I have spent more times than I could name beating myself up for not being good enough for him. For not having my degree, for being bipolar, and for simply not being able to stand up to him when I should have. That last part was a failure on my end to not only challenge myself but also to challenge him. The one time I did, my phone was blowing up and I was ignoring him. He didn't like that too much.

I oftentimes put words in his mouth and in his mind. I'd figure "this is what he's thinking" when, really, it was me who was thinking it. Whatever the choice of that day may be. Whatever I would chose to pick on myself for in that instance. I have done many, many embarrassing things. Right down to last night. I went out limping and not feeling well (most of it was mental), made a fool of myself, I'm afraid. Just one more fucking time I have to forgive myself for. My fuckups come so regularly, it's a wonder I can look at myself long enough in the mirror to put my makeup on.

But... all I can do is keep moving. And that is something I will do. And I will choose to listen to and feel those people who contacted me today instead of worrying about what the one who didn't might have been thinking. Not that I actually did think about him much at all. Until I started noticing all the Jewish folks in the movies I was watching.