Building Blocks

I want to fix my self esteem.

And, unfortunately, this is a process that will take time and stability. My biff recently told me she thinks that's what I need to work on. And my beloved told me he was proud of me when a guy who wanted to sleep with me "one more time" was turned down. Proud of me for doing the rational thing? Yikes... doesn't say too much about how even those closest to me perceive me. But, I'm not saying they're wrong.

It'll take time... and it'll take me continuing to make smart choices for myself.

I listened to a story this morning of how a young woman I know (that phrase makes me feel old but she is younger than I) is going to follow her boyfriend, not fiance to another city. And start life anew with him there. However, she wants the ring and she's going to leave everything she has here behind to be with him. While it may sound like a romantic notion... it's not as peachy keen as it appears. She's never told him she wants to get married and he's not a mind reader. He has asked about it, not popping the question but gauging where she's at and she has lied. She has told him what she thinks he wants to hear. This is not his fault, of course. But I can only think of one reason why she only tells him what he wants to hear. She's afraid she'll lose him. Instead, she going to sacrifice her own life, her own career here, her relationships with her close-knit family and go follow him. I don't know, though I wonder, if she wants anything more than him for herself. What does she want for her own life? Is there any way to mesh the two? These are questions, of course, to be answered between the two of them. It's not for me to say. She's a beautiful girl... I hope she knows that.

And so... I realize... while I have allowed myself to be mistreated by some... I have not always bowed down and done exactly what was asked of me. I did what I needed to do. This comes as a surprise to me, as I look back. There have been many, many things I have done for "love" that I am certainely not proud of and I have allowed myself to be a figurative punching bag for extended periods of time. The difference here is when it mattered most, I rebelled and I stood strong. I had to work a second job so I could comfortably pay my bills, even if two jobs killed me and I worked hard to make a dream come true... travel. I did not quit because it was asked of me. I was making the decision I had to make, the right one for me. And when it seemed apparent that someone out there was looking for an "open" relationship even though I was in love, I still loved myself more and said "no". Even if it meant losing him. And lose him I did, in both situations.

I'd still make the same choices today. And it is knowing that I made these decisions when "everything" was at stake that I'll remind myself, I have more strength in me than I realized.