Roger Rabbit's Final Dip

My phone flew across my bedroom, down the hall and halfway down the steps. The battery out and the back popped off. As I went to go pick it up, I was hoping I didn't destroy it. I can't afford to buy a new phone at the moment. I didn't mind my reaction to someone else's bad mood though I probably would have been angry if my phone didn't turn back on. But, it did.

Is it foolish of me to not go on MORE medication? I have a seasonal component to my disorder that is really showing it's ugly head lately. Pure depression. Not suicidal depression, just unfocused and feelingless depression. Going through the motions and sometimes the motions take everything out of me, even if they shouldn't. Running to the store to pick up my prescription surely should not be my "outing" for the day. It should just be an errand. Still, I'm ok. I don't feel like talking to that many people right now but that's mostly just because I can't focus.

I don't want to go on an antidepressant. For two reasons, I don't want to take more medication and two, an antidepressant could cause my cycles to go into overdrive, which is simply not a risk I am willing to take. Am I suffering right now? I dunno... suffering seems like a strong word for what this is. I'm just nothing right now. That's how it feels. Not that I believe I'm nothing but I'm nothing in the sense that I am feeling little good. The bad isn't SO bad, it just is.

However, I am feeling a bit on edge in some ways. I was prepared to tell my beloved I never wanted to speak to him again - even though I know that's not true. And I threw my phone. And Roger Rabbit got on my nerves last night. I could have cared less if he was dipped in that final dip... I think part of me was hoping for it as I watched the movie. Though the moments he would be dissolving would probably have actually caused a cringe.

Looking forward to March at this point.