Doormatville

A few years ago, I had a definite "spine" moment. I watched something on the news, over and over and over again and wrote an editorial about it. I was direct and I was angry. The worst moment of a man's life was recorded by accident and shown live on-air at the time. What I disagreed with was the media showing the clip repeatedly. It wasn't necessary. The world could have found out what happened to those beautiful little boys in the trunk without seeing that horrific moment of "finding". So, I sat down and plugged away at my anger in a constructive way and then sent the editorial to every news outlet I could think of. It was published in the online edition of the local paper and I was proud. I also sent the editorial out via email to my friends and family. Getting a few responses, including one negative one. I took that on as well. If I'm going to put it out there I have to be willing to take the negatives as well as the positives without letting it rock me to the core.

My friend had a point but she missed the bigger picture. Yes, news is done on a demand and supply basis. But, that just points to a larger problem... and that is people, rubbernecking and train crash watching people. In short, most of us. Why would we demand the experience of seeing someone else's misery? It's just not cool of us at all.

That's not what this blog is about though...

This blog is about my spine. Or lack thereof, it seems. Both my therapist and I had a moment yesterday where we both acknowledged that we just can't figure out what the problem is, exactly. My beloved says his theory is that I haven't reached my potential in life (and he's right) so therefore my self worth is lagging behind. And in return I allow myself to be a doormat. Yes, my life has been rocky and finally seems to be in a place where I can make what I want of it. So... even though that's what I'm doing or trying to do, I keep falling back to this place of doormatville. It's an ugly little town with muddy streets and windows covered in old towels instead of curtains.

I'd like to start standing up for myself. Not that I need to go around yelling at everyone but I'd like to call it like I see it when I need to. But, a gear usually shifts inside and I shut up when it's most important. Then when it's not all that important I can tear something to shreds that doesn't deserve my time or energy. In other words, things that should have no real baring on my life seem to be of utmost importance. I get annoyed at things that shouldn't annoy me and I take offense to things I really don't care about. I ignore the flaws in some people when they need to be taken on because they hurt me and people who are simply acting foolish but aren't of critical issue to me take the passenger seat in my mind.

Where's the gap coming from? When did I get the message? Somewhere in childhood I know. I don't BLAME my parents but I see the reasons why I am this way in some of my rearing. Then I continued to reinforce it myself by finding other people who were important to me and letting them walk all over me. My parents are on a natural pedestal... the others were just lifted there by default. Coming along at the right time in the right way.

So... in conclusion... I recognize it. I need to get over. Grieve the losses and move on.

I mean, come on... if I could take on whomever in an editorial, knowing I was definitely going to piss someone, somewhere off with my name stapled right to the cover sheet then I certainely should be able to take on people I claim to love. After all, in many ways it's better for both of us.