Making Amends

Well, I sent out a text last night. To someone who used to be a close friend. I apologized for the way our friendship ended. Not so much for having stood up for myself as for the way I know she was hurt. I didn't give her good explanation, I didn't talk to her about it. I just didn't talk to her anymore. We had been very close for several years. Granted, she was always a bit on the goofy side but I never did feel right about the way it went down. So, I said sorry.

And she seems to have accepted the text. She wants to get together when she's back in town mid-month. But, that won't be until the weekend of my party. I don't feel comfortable inviting her to the party so maybe drinks the night before. I don't know that it's a friendship that can be fixed but it would be great to talk it out.

Where did the text come from? Why last night?

I was going over stuff in my head, as I seem to do often enough. And I have been angry and frustrated and hurt and tired of the crappiness that is in this world. I have hurt a few people and I started thinking about how I feel the need to make amends. How I would like a few heartfelt apologies in my life. People who have hurt me. But, who do I owe those same apologies to?

I have only ever cut a couple people out of my life. The first was a drug addict friend. I loved her very much. But, once she stole my rent money from me I just couldn't keep her in my life. In my goodbye letter to her I did tell her I loved her and that if she ever needed anything to please contact me. However, it couldn't have anything to do with her drug habit... I specifically said if her mother's illness progressed and things of that nature. I still look for her name in the obituaries from time to time. Another was a friend whom I never would have cut out if it hadn't been for the way she became when she got married. That is, not herself anymore. She allowed her husband to berate me about how I had "hidden sin" in my life. I felt ganged up on and attacked and she just sat by and wouldn't say a word. Attacking me with a Bible doesn't make it any less intrusive. I did, however, send her and her family a Christmas card last year as a peace offering. I loved her too. Another person I hurt, he and I made up years ago. A three hour talk at a bar did us good. Getting down to specifics, not just a blanket "sorry about everything" helped me clear the air. It's best if when you give an apology, you know what you're apologizing for. If you don't understand why someone is hurt, ask them. I hope he's doing well in Iraq right now. And I hope the bravado he displayed last time I saw him was just that - and nothing more. The last of the folk that I know I directly hurt is this girl. And luckily I have a way to get in touch with her.

There have been other people. I know there have. I've dated some guys or wouldn't date some guys and I know they were not happy about the way it turned out. But, the one consolation there is that I have always tried my best to be honest with them. And I try my best to never lead anyone on.