I stared at this picture yesterday from another friend's post (I will call her Spice from here on out, I'm slowly coming up with the names... please give it time until I figure out yours) and something clicked...
I've wondered for some time why I keep getting involved with people who don't treat me right. It's not as though it's everyone in my life but it is a certain group of "special" folks. And there's nearly consistently always been one who I would just let treat me like garbage and I'd stick with them. Through thick and thin. Even when everyone wanted me away from them. Even when people would confront me about how I wasn't being treated right. I nearly lost biff over one of these mediocre friends. I wouldn't "give up on them". I would do everything in my power to try and "love" them into liking me enough to treat me as I deserve to be treated. This is your basic cycle of abuse, tailored to my specific needs... as it would be for anyone.
It's been happening since I was in 6th grade. I got involved with a friend who became my world. And the cycle began. In fifth grade things changed for me. I became different on my own since my bipolar symptoms started making their way to the surface. However, it wasn't until 6th grade that it began to reflect in my relationships. That's when my co-dependent behavior began. My parents moved me out of public school and placed me in private. There were things going on at home and they thought Catholic school would teach us more morals. While I won't call it a curse, I will say it may have taught me morals, doctrine, and dogma it did not teach me the meaning behind "Loving others as you love yourself". The second greatest command according to the One who the entire religion is based on, spoken during the Sermon on the Mount. In order to love others like yourself you have to love yourself first or you won't know how to truly love others. And the first greatest command is to love God. Again, you can't love others until you love yourself. Seems we have a Catch 22 here.
So... how is my cycle operating itself? Before you can fix something you have to know what's wrong. And, finally... finally... finally I understand it. My therapist is going to love this when I see her again. This is the biggest breakthrough I've had since acknowledging that I needed medication. It's been just over a year. Apparently some good stuff really does happen during the holidays.
I don't like myself very much. I haven't since about 6th grade when I started listening to everyone around me and stopped listening to myself. Before that, I had no problem with me that I recall. Sure, I tried to act certain ways periodically but I could never keep up the fakeness long enough to convince anyone. Like when I tried to be tough in 4th grade when starting a new school... again. Ahh... about 5 minutes in when I had to stand up and say my name, turning red all the while, the mask fell off. I made plenty of friends quickly. It wasn't until walking into St. John's that I felt really out of place. That the other students made sure I would never be "one of them". Which looking back is fine with me because they were some mean S.O.Bs. With the exception of two other girls who by the end of 8th grade I had grown close to. One just didn't seem to care what anyone thought and another had also become an outcast over time. The girl who was "special" had failed a year so she was no longer in my class. Giving me the ability to move on.
But, as for the actual mechanics of the cycle: I don't like myself, I find someone who will help me feed my need to not like myself, will help me keep on beating myself up. I pray and hope and basically beg the situation to change, that they'll start being nice to me. They don't become nice to me. They just stay the same and that way so do I. I was praying recently to learn how to love myself. Finally, I was praying for the right thing. Being an enabler for those folks wasn't very loving either though I'm sure they'll continue to find people to feed into their own self hatred. I just don't want to be one of them anymore. I want to scoop out the bad stuff inside of me and replace it with good stuff. I want to be delicate with myself and treat myself right. It'll take one small choice and change at a time but eventually I'll be good to go.
Many of my panic attacks have been focused on the impending doom that God will ultimately reject me. Turns out it wasn't Him rejecting me, it was me rejecting me.
Thank you, Spice for yesterday's blog.
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