Fat and Flesh

I had a dream, not just any dream... a nightmare. Yeah, you probably thought I was going to break into some MLK type thing but alas... I'll tell you about the nightmare I had earlier this week which is what made me call first, my beloved. And second, my doctor.

Anxiety was overriding everything, including my drug induced nightly rest but this nightmare was the thing that pushed me over the edge.

I went to bed the other night thinking I may not make it through the night. My mom said recently that my 81 year old grandfather told her he's ready to go. He's still up and about, keeping busy but he's pretty tired of this life thing as only old people could be. Even those of us who've had bouts with suicidal behavior couldn't understand this idea. It's not that they're suicidal, or at least not most of them... they're just ready for whatever is next... a rest, you could say. After my mom expressed sadness about the sentiment she commented how it must be frightening to really not know whether you're going to make it through the day, each day. The other night when I was getting ready to lay down - I geniunely thought I might not make it through the night. It was scary... and I considered writing a note but I just didn't have it in me.

Eventually, I fell asleep.

Sometime, while it was still dark out I had a dream that I was laying in my bed, in my apartment, wide awake. Scared - in the dream - that someone was just outside my bedroom door, that someone or something was stalking me from inside. They could see me. I couldn't see them. So, I stared... not sure what to do at the ceiling. In the dream it was not dark out, probably early evening. I was watching the cracks in my ceiling's paint. (Mind you, in real life, there are no cracks in the ceiling's paint.) Then I heard a loud noise, a noise or movement loud enough to shake my apartment building. Whatever it was that I feared was now inside the apartment, definitely. I still saw no one but when I continued to stare at the cracks in the ceiling, suddenly they were larger with stuff leaking through... bubbling and thick... flesh and fat together, getting ready to break through. I sat up, trying to scream out... but all I could make was a grunt. My lips were sealed shut and I couldn't see out of my right eye. Something was blocking it. Then something moved outside of my bedroom door, I went to run at it... trying to knock whatever was blocking my eye out of the way. I had gone blind in my right eye. There was nothing to knock out of the way. And something was in my place... and I couldn't scream. I was trapped.

And I woke up.