Rosebud

My problem isn't major. Though last night I found myself laying in blue eyed cutie's bed, talking away about how miserable I feel. I went on and on about a current situation but after answering the usual, simple question... "how was your weekend?" from Spice, I'm realizing my whole weekend was kind of rough and disappointing and then you throw a rainy Monday night forced retirement party into the mix, I'm bound to feel shit-tay.

I've been in a haze for the last two days. Unable to smile much, ready to burst out in tears at any given moment... and we won't even mention the hangover because it's simply not useful. My biff and Grammy. I love them both and understand them both. And while I agree with one, I don't agree with the other. I also see a middle ground that's getting ignored but I'm vowing never to bring it up again. Mostly because I got beat red and angry in a way that I despise. I stopped listening to reason and stopped loving the way I want to. And the way I need to.

But, really... the problem wasn't just that fight, it was the drama that lived on... all weekend long. From Friday night to Saturday night, blue eyed cutie and I were not communicating the way we needed to. Me, I wasn't going to let my pride down and ask what the problem was. Yes, I knew what the problem was but I wasn't going to confirm it and I was ready to fight if that's what he wanted. And he just needed some time to process the situation we found ourselves in.

On Friday night, my car broke down. Then my mom's car, which I was supposed to borrow was having trouble. On Friday night, because my car broke down biff and I ended up running into a friend we had just about written off and talked the drama through. Which turned out not to be drama at all but rather depression. And Sunday night the big boom happened and by then, I'm feeling unsure of myself, unsure of how I feel about anyone anymore, and kind of numb in a painful way. Kind of self hating for simply not keeping my cool.

Then I get an email from sister in friend. Honestly, she is probably the sweetest person who's ever sent me an email. After all the spewing of curses and anger and grief on Sunday night she was concerned that her language may have been a bit rough. She attempted to be a peacemaker during the argument, she was not on anyone's side specifically. And the fact of the matter is, I hadn't even noticed her cursing. She tries to keep it down to a minimum due to the having kids factor at this point. Makes sense. But what I loved about it was simple. It was like a rose in the middle of a muddy road. My muddy path, if you will. Gentleness, kindness, and simplicity. Getting back to basics. While some of who were fighting are struggling to admit all of the factors involved or just simply don't even realize some of the factors involved or think they have a handle on something but finds themselves frustrated because we can't instantly change the world or even one person's feelings, here comes a sweetheart with an apology for something that wasn't even noticed. But something she felt she needed to offer up. Something she's not proud of. If only everything were as black and white as that.

But, in some ways, it all really is.